Concerns About Coronavirus/COVID-19

Addressing your concerns about the coronavirus outbreak.

I wanted to address concerns that people may have with the outbreak of the coronavirus, SARS-CoV2. I want to let you know how I’m handling it as a person who not only interacts with many people but often in very close proximity, and how this affects you.

The first thing to do is understand that a coronavirus infection isn’t a death sentence for most. In fact, most of us have been infected with one or more of the common strains of these viruses in our lifetime. Though this strain is new and serious, it’s mortality rate is currently relatively small, about 2% of infected people, and those people usually had pre-existing conditions or otherwise were more vulnerable because of weakened immune systems. So, if people become infected, most are likely to recover. Some may have little to no symptoms at all.

The second thing is to understand that while I come into contact with many people, some of whom are from different cities, states, even countries, you are probably much more likely to acquire this or any other airborne pathogen while at the post office, grocery store, or even the doctor’s office. Why? Simply put: numbers. You come into contact with far more people in those places than I do in my dungeon. And at the doctor’s office, specifically, you’re more likely to come into contact with sick people.

Those things aside, I have increased my safety measures.

I’m including additional questions in my health screening. I’m asking clients if they have had any symptoms of illness, especially fever, cough, or any breathing difficulties. If someone says yes, I ask them to postpone their session. If someone says no, I ask them if they have come into contact with anyone with those symptoms. If they say yes, I ask them to postpone their session. If they say no, I ask if they have traveled. Any people who have recently traveled to higher-risk areas (e.g. China, Iran, Italy) will be asked to postpone their session.

I have also stepped up the frequency of cleaning common surfaces which can easily transmit pathogens, such as doorknobs, lightswitches, handles, faucets, and the like. I’m now cleaning them after every visitor.

The procedures I use in my dungeon haven’t changed much because I already adhere to a rigorous method after each session.

I explain my procedure in my FAQ, but will review it here:

I use barriers such as gloves and disposable pads on surfaces such as my bench, table, couch, and floors. Not only does this reduce the risk of transmission between my clients and me, but between my clients and you.

I use appropriate disinfection techniques for the surface and material in question. When possible, materials are sterilized.

I use about five different products to disinfect. Which one I use depends on what I’m disinfecting. Four of the five disinfectants I use are medical grade (i.e. what are used in hospitals and doctor’s offices). While this is effective for the vast majority of pathogens that may be encountered in my dungeon, it is important to know that not all medical grade disinfectants kill everything. This particular coronavirus may be one such thing. Right now, there is no conclusive evidence of what kills this virus because it is a novel strain. Until they are able to rigorously test what renders it inactive, they are speculating.

Right now, the CDC and EPA have provided lists of products they believe should be effective because those products are effective against other similar viruses, such as what is known as “SARS” (SARS-CoV, the strain from 2002-2003) and “MERS” (MERS-CoV). Of the products I used, two are on the EPA’s list of registered products. Another one released a statement saying they can be used against this strain of coronavirus because they have shown efficacy against other similar viruses, presumably SARS-CoV and MERS-CoV. In short: I’m already disinfecting in the way the CDC recommends to protect against transmission of these types of viruses.

And I constantly wash my hands — correctly! Anyone who has sessioned with me has seen me over at my sink washing my hands at some point, usually multiple times.

So, if you are worried about getting SARS-CoV2 from visiting me, I want you to know that I can’t honestly tell you that you are completely safe. No Dominatrix, other BDSM professional, or any other professional can, for that matter. If they did they would be lying. People can be infected and be asymptomatic for 2-14 days (I read one source say up to four weeks). This means they have no idea they are infected with the virus. And though you are less likely to spread it when you’re asymptomatic, it is still possible — not just through touch but through the air.

Me? I believe I’m low risk to be a carrier. I have traveled only within Philadelphia since the beginning of the year, have had no symptoms of any communicable illness, nor have the people I have seen since this outbreak began. However, this does not mean someone I had contact with was not a carrier. We all have to use our best judgment here.

The number one most important preventative measure I can do is to ask those who have have been sick or who have traveled to areas in which infections have been reported to not book sessions with me at this time. Those who are not sick cannot acquire this or any other virus by people who are not infected with it. By you staying home, you keep all of us safer. Thank you.

Response to Vice’s “I Give Disabled People Orgasms For a Living”


A friend recently shared this article with me:

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/bmwbz3/i-give-disabled-people-orgasms-for-a-living

I appreciate when people provide a platform for those of us in the sex work community to educate others about the reality of our work. Much of what we do is heavily misunderstood, stigmatized, and subject to heavy doses of misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, ageism — you name it. This all has a tangible effect on the lives of both us and our clients and makes this work sometimes very difficult to do.

In this brief interview, there are several things that Ms. Nerdahl gets right. We help people with their sexual development. We often teach them, whether they (or we) are conscious of it or not, to better understand and accept themselves, their bodies, and their desires. We do in fact see individual men the most but many of us are open to couples and to women, though far fewer women contact us. And she is absolutely correct that our work should be decriminalized and not legalized (they’re not the same thing) and that people aren’t “criminals” for seeking out support for their erotic needs. (It can’t be a crime if there are no victims!)

On the other hand, there are some things that Ms. Nerdahl gets wrong. For example, this paragraph:

The difference between prostitution and what I do is that we were saying 1) this is medically assisted, but 2) it’s not just about getting your money. I shouldn’t say prostitution’s all about money, but if you were just to hire an escort, she’s not necessarily going to care about getting you to a better place than when she found you, or to help you achieve whatever it is or help you learn something or help you explore something. The other thing is, she wants your repeat business. With us, we have more of a set protocol. Because emotional attachment is an issue that comes up, especially when you’re dealing with intimacy like this, there is a cap on sessions. And there’s a debrief that is supposed to happen at the end of each session, to help the clients process what’s happened and to help them process any emotional attachments that have maybe come up. And to make sure that everybody stays in a healthy space with it. It’s very client-led. The client identifies what it is that they want to explore or what it is that they want to learn or experience, and the coach is there as a guide or as a facilitator.

First of all, there really isn’t a difference between what she does and calls “medically assisted sex” and what people broadly call “prostitution”. Plenty of “prostitutes”, or sex workers, do in fact see people who need the kind of support she offers her clients. Sometimes this support is with sex itself. Sometimes it’s more about being held or caressed. Sometimes it’s to help process emotional and psychological concerns, which may be reflected in the types of activities or roleplays chosen; or through coaching, counsel, or various techniques which resemble those used in psychotherapy. Or it’s a combination of all of these.

If people aren’t aware, there are a helluva lot of sexually conflicted people in this world. We sex workers give them space to be and heal. And we assume the burden of all the misunderstanding, stigma, and hatred in order to do it. In that sense, it could be said we all offer “medically assisted” services.

It’s not true that “prostitutes” are necessarily all about money or that she (or he) isn’t concerned about getting you in a better place. I’m sure Ms. Nerdahl has a big heart, but let’s be honest: she wants to get paid for her work like the rest of us. (No different than people who don’t do sex work for a living.) Many sex workers are wonderfully caring, empathic people who care about their clients just as much — if not more — than Ms. Nerdahl does.

It’s also untrue that we don’t do things to mitigate or discourage emotional attachment. We Dominatrices tend to “debrief” our clients after their experiences with us, especially those which are particularly intense and challenging. Some of us also uphold very clear boundaries with our clients between sessions to ensure they don’t confuse the fantasy we explore together with the reality of our relationship outside of that fantasy. And though Ms. Nerdahl, and other workers like her, may put a limit on sessions, we don’t usually do that because, as she herself acknowledges, everyone is different. So, the need one person has might get fulfilled in one session but for another take years.

The larger problem here is that she’s speaking from a place in which there is a moral hierarchy of erotic services, of which she seems to place herself at the top. Some call this “whorephobia”. I don’t hold it against her. We’re all indoctrinated to see “prostitutes” as lesser people. She’s just acting that out.

What I want people to understand from this is that one does not need to call sex work “medically assisted” to make it respectable. This furthers stigma, and also sets us up for some really ugly regulatory possibilities when we finally decriminalize all sex work. I would also argue that it feeds the idea that women need to be men’s “nurses” in order to get approval for how we use our bodies.

There are a lot of reasons why people see sex workers — disabilities, working through psychological issues, wanting sexual experience, lack of time to develop relationships, and more — but there are also people who just want to have pure, raw sex for sex’s sake. And there is nothing wrong with that. And nothing wrong with paying someone who provides this as their job.

Ask yourselves: why does our culture normalize deceit as a way to get one’s sexual needs met but stigmatizes those who want to pay for it? Why is it more noble to manipulate a woman into sex than to honestly negotiate it with her in exchange for payment?

So, while this interview with Ms. Nerdahl is a welcome dialogue about the realities of sex work, it also illuminates our need to better understand and destigmatize the different types of work within our own community. We all may do different things, but they are all a necessary way to express human needs and desires — not only for our clients but often often us, too — and that itself is respectful enough.

Another One Bites The Dust

On January 28th, I received an email from a popular payment vehicle stating that I had been flagged as a “prohibited use case”. I was told that I should look elsewhere for a payment provider and that any payments sent to or from my email would be automatically cancelled. It closed with, “Thank you for your understanding.”

The email was brief and offered no explanation as to how they identified me as in violation of their terms. And, as I came to see the next day, it was received by many other people who also worked in the adult industry, and who also didn’t get an explanation. I emailed the company to ask, but have yet to receive a reply. Having been banned by another popular payment app, who also did not provide any reason, nor a response to how I had violated their terms, I don’t expect to ever receive one.

Was I frustrated? Of course. Surprised? Nope. When it comes to ways that those of us in adult work send or receive money (gifts or otherwise), we are used to the ways in which we are initially welcomed but later banned.

In the case of this site, I didn’t even know this until I did some research and found this:

https://twitter.com/myfreecats/status/1222592006779629568

This is a pattern, actually.

People in the adult industry are a great way to get your business off the ground. Gain a following. Make some money. I mean, sex work is a multi-billion dollar industry. Sex sells, right? Get us on there posting sexy photos and videos and writing and you’re guaranteed to attract users.

We have been included in popular platforms, such as Facebook and Instagram, and in many ways sexy content has been the driving force of these interfaces, or a regular part of it, at least. However, once the company seems to achieve its user goals or generates some impressive revenue growth reports or something, we’re booted off, or heavily censored. (Twitter is one we’re all just waiting to see if we’ll be booted from. We’ve already experienced censorship in the form of “shadowbanning” and recent concerns that Twitter may be engineering a way to soft ban adult content through tweet reporting.)

So, here we are. Again. Banned from another platform. This time one it’s one we use for sending money.

But why can’t we use a regular credit card processor, or something like PayPal or Cash or Google Pay, like other businesses do? Because most of them, and their affiliates, won’t do business with us. Even if the work we’re doing is legal, we’re considered too “high risk”. Whether that’s true or whether it’s an issue of pearl-clutching, the result has been the same: denial of service.

Why not lie about what we’re being paid for? Some people do. But it often comes with a great risk. If discovered, you could potentially be prosecuted for money laundering. (Would you want to take the risk of a felony charge, hefty fine, and possible prison time? For accepting a $300 payment?) In some cases, they have not only shut down the accounts of adult workers, but confiscated their money. So, we routinely have to find ways to work around a continually changing landscape of barriers.

This payment site was one quick and easy way for us to send and receive cash. But no more. It’s now become the latest site who seemed to use us to meet their goals…before suddenly banning us without warning.

Of course, FOSTA/SESTA could be a factor in this decision. Sites don’t want to be accused of “facilitating (sex) trafficking”, which is somehow considered the same thing as consensual commercial sex, so they naturally drop us like a hot potato. If this is the reason, then why did they wait almost 2 years after it having been signed into law to cut the rug out from under us?

Regardless of the reason, we now have to scramble to find solutions. As we do this, be prepared for:

  • being asked to send gifts to us in a different way
  • changes in how you may be vetted
  • being asked to send payment for goods or services in a different way
  • increases in prices

Why changes in vetting? Some providers use payments as a vetting method. If that provider is no longer able to accept a payment in a way that works with her safety model, she may need to change how she vets you.

Why an increase in price? Most sites that specifically cater to the adult industry take a larger and significant portion of the payments than other sites geared toward the general public. This is because of the “high risk” I mentioned. One of these high risks is because we’re supposedly more likely to have chargebacks.

Here’s an example: a guy gets horny, buys a porn clip, jacks off to it, and then decides he’s going to be a prick and ask for his money back. Depending on the policies and resources of the site he bought the clip from, the policies of the card he used to purchase it, and the reasons he gave for asking for a refund, this is an added expense for processors to deal with and it contributes to the obstacles we face when doing this work. Guess who assumes the economic burden of fraudsters and thieves? Not the people committing the actual crimes, but those of us providing the goods.

So, in order to maintain necessary income levels, please don’t be alarmed if you notice some of us raising our tributes as we figure how run our businesses in a way that is friendly to modern-day needs of convenience and immediacy within a culture that is hostile to adult entertainers.

When these changes occur they not only require adjustments on our part but yours as well. When we lose access to safety and convenience, you lose access to it, too. Know that you may need to work with us and adhere to new ways that ensure that safety. Understand that some of us may not be able to receive payment as quickly as before which may result in delays from the time you send payment to the time we provide a good or service. Accept that you may need to plan ahead more often. And, please, don’t blame us for it.

(Don’t like this? Tell your lawmakers to Decriminalize Sex Work.)

[Image © Paul Campbell, 147222511]

Preparing For Play

So, you found a Domme, agreed upon the activities, scheduled the session, and here it is, the day you’re going to play. Now what? What should you do before you get there?

While we don’t always have complete control over how well a scene will go, we do have control over how we prepare ourselves for that scene.  That preparation can make a big difference in our experience, physically and emotionally.

Here are some things to do that will help you start your scene off on the right foot.

Take a shower just prior to the session. If you have to travel some distance to your Domme and you get sweaty, ask to freshen up when you arrive. Some of Us offer a shower if you need it. Personally, I appreciate this kind of conscientiousness, so you never have to feel embarrassed to ask. If you’re swift, I won’t count it against your session time. One area on which to especially focus: your behind. It doesn’t take long for an ass to get smelly from sitting. A smelly ass is not a pleasant ass. (I realize it may be your fetish, but, sorry, it’s not Mine.)

Brush your teeth and use mouthwash. Bad breath is the number one hygiene issue I encounter (a stinky ass is the second). While some of the more pungent odors can be a real mood breaker, it’s okay; it happens to us all. Just freshen your mouth before we play. Flossing is helpful, too, because it helps remove food trapped between your teeth which, if it sits there long enough will rot…and rot never smells good.

Use deodorant. Seems obvious, but sometimes people show up with stinky pits. I realize that some people do not like to use it, but please do. Personally, I find smelly pits super distracting. It also has an effect of my wanting to keep my distance from you. If you balk because you have a problem with antiperspirants — how it’s unnatural that they stop you from sweating (I get this) or because they make you break out or something else — you don’t have to wear them, in particular. You can use mineral salt deodorants, clay-based deodorants, or even just essential oils. While they won’t keep you from sweating (which is fine) they will make your pits smell nice and not repel your Domme.

Don’t wear any fragrances. Unless a Domme has specifically asked you to, it’s best to err on the side of omitting the cologne or perfume. This is because some of Us may get a headache, it gets on our gear — which can be difficult or impossible to remove (and perhaps expensive to replace) — and We may not want it competing with Our own lovely scent…which you should take in with gratitude.

Groom yourself. Nails and hair. If you’re going to be doing anal play and have a hairy asshole, try to trim or shave it down, if you can. If you’re going to be doing any suction/pumping, shaving or buzzing down the area that will be pumped (e.g. nipples, genitals) will facilitate a better seal. If you’ve never trimmed or shaved and would like help, ask your Domme! She may have experience with this sort of thing and be willing to work it into your session.

Rinse out your hiney. If you’re doing any anal play with your Domme, DO NOT neglect this area. “Rinsing” means “douching” or giving yourself an enema. This cleans you out so we don’t encounter any surprise nuggets. We usually don’t want to deal with any more shit than we have to as it can be very messy, stinky, and an increased health risk to us. It can also make a sexy scene turn very unsexy. So, please, give it a nice rinse. If you don’t know how to do this, go buy one from the drugstore (they’re very cheap), empty the solution from the container, and fill it with tepid water. Gently flush yourself out. Repeat until the water runs clear. Do this shortly before play. (Some Dommes are okay if you quick rinse when you arrive, just check with her.) If you need more detailed instructions, use a search engine for help. Again, if you’d like to incorporate this process into your session, check with your Domme to see if She offers enemas. Make sure to ask before the session. Because if She doesn’t and you’re not prepared, you may not end up getting what you’ve been looking forward to all week.

Assess your physical and emotional states. Is your back or knees bothering you today? Do you feel stressed or depressed or especially sensitive? If your Domme doesn’t ask about these things, tell Her if anything is “off”. I always check-in with people before we begin so I know if I need to take something into consideration before I beat your ass, fuck with your mind, or have you grovel at My feet.

Eat something and hydrate. Eating something light before a scene is a good idea. (If it’s too heavy you may end up feeling sluggish or sleepy.) Making sure you’re hydrated is important too. If you feel you need to have a drink or snack during the session, mention this to your Domme. If you’re a diabetic, check with her beforehand to make sure she has what you need, or you can bring it yourself and have it on standby.

Stretch. If you’re prone to stiffness or aches, or you might be getting into awkward or sustained positions, do a little stretching beforehand. It helps with bloodflow and reduces the chance of injury.

And lastly…

Relax and enjoy yourself! The more relaxed and receptive you are to the experience, the more your Domme can focus on the scene, which increases the likelihood you will both have a great time.

💡 Tip: you can always bring travel-sized items with you and do a little prep before the scene. Some of My clients have done this and it works well. Or you’re welcome to use some of Mine. I have soap, shampoo, floss, mouthwash, and clean towels available along with a clean, modern shower.