The Plagiarism Wall Of Shame

Plagiarism. I’ve spoken about it several times before. It’s a regular issue, because, apparently, I’m so damn awesome that people want to copy me.

I often find my writing, and occasionally my photos, in all sorts of places online: Dommes’ websites and ads (including, surprisingly, other Philly Dommes), escort ads, dating profiles (I’m an unwilling Cyrano de Bergerac), FetLife, Twitter, an interview with a well-known stripper, and even an entire catfish website that had stolen more than a dozen pages from my site (see a screenshot below).

I would have never found this if it wasn’t for a kind submissive in Spain who alerted me.

This is an upsetting thing to deal with. My writing is a product of my unique voice. I put it out there for people to get to know me and to advance my craft and business. So when people steal it and use it to make themselves look better (than they clearly are) and make money from my labor it pisses me right the hell off. It’s also just such a dumb move, showing a lack of awareness that people may notice and it will make them look bad.

It’s most upsetting when other Dommes do it. Because aside from these being my colleagues, with whom you’d like to think there’s a certain level of respect, it’s ostensibly like they’re competing against me (and other women) with the shit I came up with. LOL!

To help manage my sanity, I vent. And now I think I’m going to document the times I find people who’ve stolen my work so you both can be alerted to the fakes and thieves, and understand how pervasive the issue is and how frustrating and time consuming it can be to deal with. I also hope it educates those who truly do not understand what plagiarism is.

But, Mistress, isn’t calling people out unprofessional? Rubbish. The people who are doing it are the unprofessional ones. I have privately and nicely asked people not to do it several times. I have given vague, non-identifiable public warnings. It still happens. As jerzeyguy40 said to me on FetLife, “It’s an inexcusable but inescapable hazard of writing well.” True…but that doesn’t mean I have to be polite about it.

So, here we are: The Plagiarism Wall of Shame. Stealing people’s work is intellectual property theft. This is violation of copyright law. This means you can be reported to your web host or advertiser, or even taken to court for it. Do it and you should expect to be put on notice. I would report all the copyright infringement I find but that would be a full time job. I do tend to report on behalf of other Dommes, especially when I see their videos pirated, as that has a very measurable effect on one’s revenue. (By the way, this is the primary reason I don’t offer clips for sale. I will have to deal with even more copyright infringement.)

OK, so what is plagiarism? The most common understanding is taking something and copying it word for word. I have most commonly experienced with this my FAQ page. (I guess people can’t come up with their own frequently asked questions?) One Domme, who was involved in the Order of Indomitus, stole several of them and put them on her site. When I confronted her, she admitted it had been there for TWO YEARS. That’s two years of misleading people about who you are. People read that and thought they were booking the person who wrote those.

This catfisher calling themselves “Indian Mistress Seema” erected a complete website using entire pages from my site while using Mistress Ezada’s photos. It took me four days to get the site taken down.

Here one of my fellow Philadelphia colleagues, who ironically claims to be a “radical permissionist”, didn’t have my permission when she took this from my website:

When confronted she claimed that her mentor told her to do it (a mentor of whom I could find no mention) and that she also thought it was “common copy”. I didn’t buy the story and, for those that don’t know, “common copy” isn’t anything like what I’ve written above, it’s something like “you must be 21 years of age to enter”. It’s writing so generic that no one knows who originally wrote it.

There’s also what’s called “mosaic plagiarism”. This is probably the most common form, as it’s harder to find. As defined by MosaicVenetianParc.com: It’s when someone “steals sentences from a source without using quote marks, or finds synonyms for the author’s language but maintaining the same overall structure and meaning as the original“.

I used this tagline from 2015 to maybe late 2017 or early 2018. Later, I changed “highly” to “top” and “ultra” to “consummate”.
From a Backpage ad in 2017. This is considered “mosaic plagiarism”.

If you’re thinking, “Well, Mistress, that isn’t that original.” You’re missing the point. Yes, many people have created a sentence adjective noun, adjective noun, and adjective noun, but having another Domme use a sentence structured similarly to mine, at the same time I was using it, while kind of swapping some adjectives around is the issue. Would I take any action against this Domme? No. That would be ridiculous in this case. But aside from someone lazily taking ideas from me (or others), the lack of originality in doing something like this is both kind of pathetic and comical.

You can also plagiarize people’s ideas. If I have a unique idea, that’s my idea. If I say that I’m the Julia Child of CBT (whatever the fuck that means), you should not also say you’re the Julia Child of CBT. I thought this was obvious. I mean, I would never do such a silly thing, so it always surprises me when other’s step up on stage and do just that.

Back shortly after I went pro, I came up with a “fast food” and “McDonalds” analogy for how I don’t practice BDSM. I’ve found like 4 or 5 Dommes who have copied this analogy, using my terms and phrases “McDonald’s-style Domination”, “McDomination”, “McKink”, “Drive-Through/Fast Food Domination/Kink” and other permutations. This has included Dommes that have been around longer than I have and should have their own ideas and brand by now. One of them is very well-known and involved with the Order of Indomitus.

Some Dommes liked my “McDonalds” analogy. I found four people who used it shortly after I started doing it.

Another is something I call “backdoor plagiarism”. If someone else has a name for this I am not aware of it. So, if you know, please tell me. Backdoor plagiarism is more insidious way of copying someone. The person doing it will say things like, “I say that all the time,”, “I was thinking that just this morning,” “I have been doing that for years!” This is a way to attempt to claim “copyright” over something that someone has said or done so they can start saying or doing it and claiming they’ve been saying or doing it all along, knowing it can be difficult if not impossible to prove that someone did or did not do it. Of course people make statements like this and they are actually true, so in order to discern between someone telling the truth and it being backdoor plagiarism you have to figure out if it’s a habit for someone. Have you heard them repeat these kinds of things a lot? Have they produced evidence to support their claims? One Domme started saying things like this to me and I didn’t think much of it until she had done it several times. It got to the point where I knew there was no way she could be saying these things I say so often, especially when some of them were unique to my way of thinking. It just all seemed far too coincidental. I gently asked for evidence. She didn’t come up with any. So, this, combined with seeing a pattern of her recycling my (and possible others’) ideas on her Twitter feed, I began to believe she was a compulsive liar. I eventually caught her copying someone verbatim and confronted her, with the screenshot. I ended up blocked.

An example of what I call “backdoor plagiarism”. This person said this in reply to my tweet in which I say I don’t practice “50 Shades of Bullshit”. I don’t know how someone could have been saying it “forever” when “50 Shades of Gray” came out in like 2015.

Some recents…

Last week I found my writing on the FetLife profile of “Philadelphia Airport Dungeon”. I privately, and civilly, asked them to remove it. It was met with antagonism. I was taunted with, “make us” and “WE ARE NOT YOUR BITCHES Sweetie!” I would copy and paste our private exchange but I don’t think I need to do that, do I? (I convinced them to remove it.)

Now, I just found this moments ago:

I just randomly selected a paragraph from my sessions page, put into Google, and found that this person has it in their ad. (They’re using it on another site as well.)

What’s crazy is that this was the first thing I tried searching for. When the very first paragraph I chose comes up with hits, I ask myself how many other people are out there attracting clients and making coin using my stolen shit?

If you have no interest in my discussing and venting about this not-very-sexy but very real aspect of being a (bad-ass) Dominatrix, then use this as a lesson to help you avoid being mislead or scammed. Before you contact someone to book them, take their writing, put quotes around it, paste it into Google, and see what you come up with. Then try it again without quotes. If you get parts of the paragraph, you may have the kind of plagiarist who is smart enough to mix up their stolen writing so it isn’t as easily found. Either way, you’ve got a thief on your hands. Is that the kind of person you want to put your trust into?

To those who choose to steal other people’s work: May you get what’s coming to you. Hopefully, a short career. Which is very likely if you’re so bad at this that can’t come up with your own content.

A Bit About Anal Play

This article is for those who are curious about anal play: how to try it…or what to do if it didn’t live up to your fantasies.

I’m a big ol’ anal top and have been taunting, training, and taking butts for almost 15 years now. Little butts, big butts, virgin butts, hungry-hungry-hippo butts. It’s one of my favorite things*. Butt, alass, this is not the case for all.

Sometimes when someone volunteers a little bit about why they dislike it, such as “I didn’t enjoy it because it hurt” or “I tried it once…wasn’t sexy”, I will ask if they don’t mind me inquiring further about their experience (for my own research purposes). What I usually discover is that they either tried it themselves and didn’t know what they were doing or they were introduced to it by a girlfriend or Domme who didn’t know what she was doing. It makes me sad because one bad experience — or even one less-than-hot experience — can sour people to the point of never wanting to try it again.

The reason why this happens is because people don’t bother educating themselves about how it works, what to do, and what not to do. They think it’s as simple as Put Thing In Hole. They don’t consider how their body might react or how it needs to adapt. Then, because they don’t know these things, they make assumptions and end up writing the whole thing off.

There is a common misconception that your first experience will look like what you see in porn. You know, that hot FemDom clip where she’s ramming a huge cock in his ass and he’s moaning in bliss. You swoon, “Ohmygoddess, I would do anything to be fucked like that!” I hate to break it to you, my slut, but that will not be anywhere close to what your first experience will be like. That is what may happen if you spend some quality time training your ass.

The reality is that your first experience putting something past your anus and into your rectum may feel unpleasant. Maybe even a little painful. You may feel like you suddenly have to shit. Which is the opposite of what you were expecting to feel. And is it at this point that some people decide they hate it. Because “this is supposed to feel as good as that FemDom clip looks!” and it doesn’t so horniness turns into bitter disappointment and the dildo goes into the dark drawer, never to be seen again.

Well, I say: give it another try. But let me help you get started on the right path.

If you want to experience what it would be like to be fucked like the gasping, whimpering, writhing-in-ecstasy bottom in the clip, start by exploring your own ass. Look at it in the mirror.  Touch it. Touch the area around it. Pay attention to how it feels when you lube up your finger and just slide it around your anus. Be gentle. You want to make friends with your budding cockhole.

Once you’re comfortable you can get ready to slide something in.

If you’re not sure where to look for the right toys there are plenty of guides online. (I may just write one myself.) Without a little help, people may end up getting something that’s not suitable for them. This can be because you feel like a kid in a candy store and you just buy whatever looks like it would feel good in your ass. It also can mean you may unknowingly buy something that shouldn’t actually be touching your private parts. See, the sex toy industry is not regulated and so they’re pretty much free to use all sorts of toxic materials to make the things you are rubbing back and forth against your delicate insides. Some of these compounds can be absorbed by your tissue and some of them are linked to things like endocrine disruption, birth defects, and cancer.

Another issue that can confuse consumers is that you can’t trust that a manufacturer actually knows what the hell they’re making. It’s true. Some of them clearly haven’t ever done the activity they are making products for. (I’m looking at you, Random China Brand Often Found In Places Like Amazon, eBay, or Alibaba.) Take for example this plug:

MistressTissa_wtfintroplug

Notice the way it’s marketed: “Perfect size for intro anal play”.

Hunty, this is in no way an “intro” plug — unless you are an elephant. This plug has a circumference of 6.5″. You know what else has a circumference of 6.5″? My vitamin bottle. No beginner should be trying to put a vitamin bottle in their ass.

Here’s a comparison of the above plug with a plug that is actually more suitable for introductory play:

MistressTissa_PlugCompariso

When you’re ready to try putting something in, start with something small. Like a finger. The actual beginner plug on the left is like a finger. A meaty, manly finger that will probe your wet, hungr–oh, sorry. I got carried away.

If you’re using a toy, and it’s not a body-safe material like silicone, glass, or medical-grade stainless steel, be sure to slide a condom on it. (We don’t want sexy time to later turn into anal cancer time.) If you don’t have a toy, or a meaty, manly finger, use your own finger. If a finger still feels too big, use something with an even smaller diameter. This could be a pen, wood dowel (make sure it’s not a wood that will easily snap in half), or anything else that doesn’t have sharp edges that can hurt you. And, of course, put a condom on it, too.

If you’re concerned about the possibility of getting a little poo on your hand, put a glove on. Or, if you want to be sure that there will definitely not be any poo on your hand — glove or not — you can get one of those cheap enema kits (like Fleet), empty the contents, fill with lukewarm water, and gently rinse yourself out until you’re clear.

Once you’re ready, lube it up.

Lay on your back and slowly slide the toy or finger in. Not very far; just the tip. Just enough to get your anus familiar with the sensation of something going in instead of coming out. Breathe and relax while you’re doing this.

Once that feels okay, you can slide it in a little further. If it doesn’t, either just sit there and wait to see if the discomfort passes or, if it doesn’t, take it out. Wait a few moments and try again. Then breathe and relax. Repeat. Until you have it where you want it.

If it feels uncomfortable, focus on relaxing that area. If it still feels uncomfortable, you can stroke or use a vibe on your cock or clit and see if that helps. If not, you can stop and try again another time.

Keep in mind that it can take several tries to feel any pleasure. And for some it never seems to feel pleasurable. That’s okay. You can do something else. Maybe come back to it next month or next year. Or never. Whatever you want.

Dicks. Lots of dicks.

For those who do find the right feel and are ready to move on, you can size up, if that is your goal.

Again: always use condoms on unsafe or unknown materials and always with a lot of lube.

Once you get to where you feel like you can take a dildo, start slowly there, too. No matter how eager you are to be your Mistress’s dirty, dirty slut, don’t force anything. You can injure yourself, which can be very painful, and possibly lose some of the progress you’ve made as your body heals. 

Now, for those who want to ask a professional Domme for anal play…

*Please be aware that some Dommes don’t openly offer it. The reason is laws can make it a risky endeavor. This is because, depending on your jurisdiction or which judge’s courtroom you may unfortunately end up in, anal penetration within a professional practice could be — and in some cases definitely is — construed as “prostitution”. Therefore, to be safe, some Dommes, like myself, do not advertise it.

You can mention that you find anal play interesting. (Unless she indicates it’s a hard limit.) You can tell her what your experience level is. Just be prepared that the negotiation process may be slightly different than other activities, if she is willing to negotiate it at all — especially if you have no references. Just be patient and follow her lead.

Once you do get to the point of making that dream come true, be sure to rinse that hiney out. Practice beforehand until you’re good at it. Then make sure you do it before you arrive for the session so there aren’t any surprises. Then, relax and enjoy every minute of it!

Like my free article? Send me a tip!

Concerns About Coronavirus/COVID-19

Addressing your concerns about the coronavirus outbreak.

I wanted to address concerns that people may have with the outbreak of the coronavirus, SARS-CoV2. I want to let you know how I’m handling it as a person who not only interacts with many people but often in very close proximity, and how this affects you.

The first thing to do is understand that a coronavirus infection isn’t a death sentence for most. In fact, most of us have been infected with one or more of the common strains of these viruses in our lifetime. Though this strain is new and serious, it’s mortality rate is currently relatively small, about 2% of infected people, and those people usually had pre-existing conditions or otherwise were more vulnerable because of weakened immune systems. So, if people become infected, most are likely to recover. Some may have little to no symptoms at all.

The second thing is to understand that while I come into contact with many people, some of whom are from different cities, states, even countries, you are probably much more likely to acquire this or any other airborne pathogen while at the post office, grocery store, or even the doctor’s office. Why? Simply put: numbers. You come into contact with far more people in those places than I do in my dungeon. And at the doctor’s office, specifically, you’re more likely to come into contact with sick people.

Those things aside, I have increased my safety measures.

I’m including additional questions in my health screening. I’m asking clients if they have had any symptoms of illness, especially fever, cough, or any breathing difficulties. If someone says yes, I ask them to postpone their session. If someone says no, I ask them if they have come into contact with anyone with those symptoms. If they say yes, I ask them to postpone their session. If they say no, I ask if they have traveled. Any people who have recently traveled to higher-risk areas (e.g. China, Iran, Italy) will be asked to postpone their session.

I have also stepped up the frequency of cleaning common surfaces which can easily transmit pathogens, such as doorknobs, lightswitches, handles, faucets, and the like. I’m now cleaning them after every visitor.

The procedures I use in my dungeon haven’t changed much because I already adhere to a rigorous method after each session.

I explain my procedure in my FAQ, but will review it here:

I use barriers such as gloves and disposable pads on surfaces such as my bench, table, couch, and floors. Not only does this reduce the risk of transmission between my clients and me, but between my clients and you.

I use appropriate disinfection techniques for the surface and material in question. When possible, materials are sterilized.

I use about five different products to disinfect. Which one I use depends on what I’m disinfecting. Four of the five disinfectants I use are medical grade (i.e. what are used in hospitals and doctor’s offices). While this is effective for the vast majority of pathogens that may be encountered in my dungeon, it is important to know that not all medical grade disinfectants kill everything. This particular coronavirus may be one such thing. Right now, there is no conclusive evidence of what kills this virus because it is a novel strain. Until they are able to rigorously test what renders it inactive, they are speculating.

Right now, the CDC and EPA have provided lists of products they believe should be effective because those products are effective against other similar viruses, such as what is known as “SARS” (SARS-CoV, the strain from 2002-2003) and “MERS” (MERS-CoV). Of the products I used, two are on the EPA’s list of registered products. Another one released a statement saying they can be used against this strain of coronavirus because they have shown efficacy against other similar viruses, presumably SARS-CoV and MERS-CoV. In short: I’m already disinfecting in the way the CDC recommends to protect against transmission of these types of viruses.

And I constantly wash my hands — correctly! Anyone who has sessioned with me has seen me over at my sink washing my hands at some point, usually multiple times.

So, if you are worried about getting SARS-CoV2 from visiting me, I want you to know that I can’t honestly tell you that you are completely safe. No Dominatrix, other BDSM professional, or any other professional can, for that matter. If they did they would be lying. People can be infected and be asymptomatic for 2-14 days (I read one source say up to four weeks). This means they have no idea they are infected with the virus. And though you are less likely to spread it when you’re asymptomatic, it is still possible — not just through touch but through the air.

Me? I believe I’m low risk to be a carrier. I have traveled only within Philadelphia since the beginning of the year, have had no symptoms of any communicable illness, nor have the people I have seen since this outbreak began. However, this does not mean someone I had contact with was not a carrier. We all have to use our best judgment here.

The number one most important preventative measure I can do is to ask those who have have been sick or who have traveled to areas in which infections have been reported to not book sessions with me at this time. Those who are not sick cannot acquire this or any other virus by people who are not infected with it. By you staying home, you keep all of us safer. Thank you.

Response to Vice’s “I Give Disabled People Orgasms For a Living”


A friend recently shared this article with me:

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/bmwbz3/i-give-disabled-people-orgasms-for-a-living

I appreciate when people provide a platform for those of us in the sex work community to educate others about the reality of our work. Much of what we do is heavily misunderstood, stigmatized, and subject to heavy doses of misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, ageism — you name it. This all has a tangible effect on the lives of both us and our clients and makes this work sometimes very difficult to do.

In this brief interview, there are several things that Ms. Nerdahl gets right. We help people with their sexual development. We often teach them, whether they (or we) are conscious of it or not, to better understand and accept themselves, their bodies, and their desires. We do in fact see individual men the most but many of us are open to couples and to women, though far fewer women contact us. And she is absolutely correct that our work should be decriminalized and not legalized (they’re not the same thing) and that people aren’t “criminals” for seeking out support for their erotic needs. (It can’t be a crime if there are no victims!)

On the other hand, there are some things that Ms. Nerdahl gets wrong. For example, this paragraph:

The difference between prostitution and what I do is that we were saying 1) this is medically assisted, but 2) it’s not just about getting your money. I shouldn’t say prostitution’s all about money, but if you were just to hire an escort, she’s not necessarily going to care about getting you to a better place than when she found you, or to help you achieve whatever it is or help you learn something or help you explore something. The other thing is, she wants your repeat business. With us, we have more of a set protocol. Because emotional attachment is an issue that comes up, especially when you’re dealing with intimacy like this, there is a cap on sessions. And there’s a debrief that is supposed to happen at the end of each session, to help the clients process what’s happened and to help them process any emotional attachments that have maybe come up. And to make sure that everybody stays in a healthy space with it. It’s very client-led. The client identifies what it is that they want to explore or what it is that they want to learn or experience, and the coach is there as a guide or as a facilitator.

First of all, there really isn’t a difference between what she does and calls “medically assisted sex” and what people broadly call “prostitution”. Plenty of “prostitutes”, or sex workers, do in fact see people who need the kind of support she offers her clients. Sometimes this support is with sex itself. Sometimes it’s more about being held or caressed. Sometimes it’s to help process emotional and psychological concerns, which may be reflected in the types of activities or roleplays chosen; or through coaching, counsel, or various techniques which resemble those used in psychotherapy. Or it’s a combination of all of these.

If people aren’t aware, there are a helluva lot of sexually conflicted people in this world. We sex workers give them space to be and heal. And we assume the burden of all the misunderstanding, stigma, and hatred in order to do it. In that sense, it could be said we all offer “medically assisted” services.

It’s not true that “prostitutes” are necessarily all about money or that she (or he) isn’t concerned about getting you in a better place. I’m sure Ms. Nerdahl has a big heart, but let’s be honest: she wants to get paid for her work like the rest of us. (No different than people who don’t do sex work for a living.) Many sex workers are wonderfully caring, empathic people who care about their clients just as much — if not more — than Ms. Nerdahl does.

It’s also untrue that we don’t do things to mitigate or discourage emotional attachment. We Dominatrices tend to “debrief” our clients after their experiences with us, especially those which are particularly intense and challenging. Some of us also uphold very clear boundaries with our clients between sessions to ensure they don’t confuse the fantasy we explore together with the reality of our relationship outside of that fantasy. And though Ms. Nerdahl, and other workers like her, may put a limit on sessions, we don’t usually do that because, as she herself acknowledges, everyone is different. So, the need one person has might get fulfilled in one session but for another take years.

The larger problem here is that she’s speaking from a place in which there is a moral hierarchy of erotic services, often referred to as the “whorearchy”, of which she seems to place herself at the top. It’s disappointing but I don’t hold it against her. We’re all indoctrinated to see “prostitutes” as lesser people. She’s just acting that out.

What I want people to understand from this is that one does not need to call sex work “medically assisted” to make it respectable. This furthers stigma, and also sets us up for some really ugly regulatory possibilities when we finally decriminalize all sex work. I would also argue that it feeds the idea that women need to be men’s “nurses” in order to get approval for how we use our bodies.

There are a lot of reasons why people see sex workers — disabilities, working through psychological issues, wanting sexual experience, lack of time to develop relationships, and more — but there are also people who just want to have pure, raw sex for sex’s sake. And there is nothing wrong with that. And nothing wrong with paying someone who provides this as their job.

Ask yourselves: why does our culture normalize deceit as a way to get one’s sexual needs met but stigmatizes those who want to pay for it? Why is it more noble to manipulate a woman into sex than to honestly negotiate it with her in exchange for payment?

So, while this interview with Ms. Nerdahl is a welcome dialogue about the realities of sex work, it also illuminates our need to better understand and destigmatize the different types of work within our own community. We all may do different things, but they are all a necessary way to express human needs and desires — not only for our clients but often often us, too — and that itself is respectful enough.

Another One Bites The Dust

On January 28th, I received an email from a popular payment vehicle stating that I had been flagged as a “prohibited use case”. I was told that I should look elsewhere for a payment provider and that any payments sent to or from my email would be automatically cancelled. It closed with, “Thank you for your understanding.”

The email was brief and offered no explanation as to how they identified me as in violation of their terms. And, as I came to see the next day, it was received by many other people who also worked in the adult industry, and who also didn’t get an explanation. I emailed the company to ask, but have yet to receive a reply. Having been banned by another popular payment app, who also did not provide any reason, nor a response to how I had violated their terms, I don’t expect to ever receive one.

Was I frustrated? Of course. Surprised? Nope. When it comes to ways that those of us in adult work send or receive money (gifts or otherwise), we are used to the ways in which we are initially welcomed but later banned.

In the case of this site, I didn’t even know this until I did some research and found this:

https://twitter.com/myfreecats/status/1222592006779629568

This is a pattern, actually.

People in the adult industry are a great way to get your business off the ground. Gain a following. Make some money. I mean, sex work is a multi-billion dollar industry. Sex sells, right? Get us on there posting sexy photos and videos and writing and you’re guaranteed to attract users.

We have been included in popular platforms, such as Facebook and Instagram, and in many ways sexy content has been the driving force of these interfaces, or a regular part of it, at least. However, once the company seems to achieve its user goals or generates some impressive revenue growth reports or something, we’re booted off, or heavily censored. (Twitter is one we’re all just waiting to see if we’ll be booted from. We’ve already experienced censorship in the form of “shadowbanning” and recent concerns that Twitter may be engineering a way to soft ban adult content through tweet reporting.)

So, here we are. Again. Banned from another platform. This time one it’s one we use for sending money.

But why can’t we use a regular credit card processor, or something like PayPal or Cash or Google Pay, like other businesses do? Because most of them, and their affiliates, won’t do business with us. Even if the work we’re doing is legal, we’re considered too “high risk”. Whether that’s true or whether it’s an issue of pearl-clutching, the result has been the same: denial of service.

Why not lie about what we’re being paid for? Some people do. But it often comes with a great risk. If discovered, you could potentially be prosecuted for money laundering. (Would you want to take the risk of a felony charge, hefty fine, and possible prison time? For accepting a $300 payment?) In some cases, they have not only shut down the accounts of adult workers, but confiscated their money. So, we routinely have to find ways to work around a continually changing landscape of barriers.

This payment site was one quick and easy way for us to send and receive cash. But no more. It’s now become the latest site who seemed to use us to meet their goals…before suddenly banning us without warning.

Of course, FOSTA/SESTA could be a factor in this decision. Sites don’t want to be accused of “facilitating (sex) trafficking”, which is somehow considered the same thing as consensual commercial sex, so they naturally drop us like a hot potato. If this is the reason, then why did they wait almost 2 years after it having been signed into law to cut the rug out from under us?

Regardless of the reason, we now have to scramble to find solutions. As we do this, be prepared for:

  • being asked to send gifts to us in a different way
  • changes in how you may be vetted
  • being asked to send payment for goods or services in a different way
  • increases in prices

Why changes in vetting? Some providers use payments as a vetting method. If that provider is no longer able to accept a payment in a way that works with her safety model, she may need to change how she vets you.

Why an increase in price? Most sites that specifically cater to the adult industry take a larger and significant portion of the payments than other sites geared toward the general public. This is because of the “high risk” I mentioned. One of these high risks is because we’re supposedly more likely to have chargebacks.

Here’s an example: a guy gets horny, buys a porn clip, jacks off to it, and then decides he’s going to be a prick and ask for his money back. Depending on the policies and resources of the site he bought the clip from, the policies of the card he used to purchase it, and the reasons he gave for asking for a refund, this is an added expense for processors to deal with and it contributes to the obstacles we face when doing this work. Guess who assumes the economic burden of fraudsters and thieves? Not the people committing the actual crimes, but those of us providing the goods.

So, in order to maintain necessary income levels, please don’t be alarmed if you notice some of us raising our tributes as we figure how run our businesses in a way that is friendly to modern-day needs of convenience and immediacy within a culture that is hostile to adult entertainers.

When these changes occur they not only require adjustments on our part but yours as well. When we lose access to safety and convenience, you lose access to it, too. Know that you may need to work with us and adhere to new ways that ensure that safety. Understand that some of us may not be able to receive payment as quickly as before which may result in delays from the time you send payment to the time we provide a good or service. Accept that you may need to plan ahead more often. And, please, don’t blame us for it.

(Don’t like this? Tell your lawmakers to Decriminalize Sex Work.)

[Image © Paul Campbell, 147222511]

Preparing For Play

So, you found a Domme, agreed upon the activities, scheduled the session, and here it is, the day you’re going to play. Now what? What should you do before you get there?

While we don’t always have complete control over how well a scene will go, we do have control over how we prepare ourselves for that scene.  That preparation can make a big difference in our experience, physically and emotionally.

Here are some things to do that will help you start your scene off on the right foot.

Take a shower just prior to the session. If you have to travel some distance to your Domme and you get sweaty, ask to freshen up when you arrive. Some of Us offer a shower if you need it. Personally, I appreciate this kind of conscientiousness, so you never have to feel embarrassed to ask. If you’re swift, I won’t count it against your session time. One area on which to especially focus: your behind. It doesn’t take long for an ass to get smelly from sitting. A smelly ass is not a pleasant ass. (I realize it may be your fetish, but, sorry, it’s not Mine.)

Brush your teeth and use mouthwash. Bad breath is the number one hygiene issue I encounter (a stinky ass is the second). While some of the more pungent odors can be a real mood breaker, it’s okay; it happens to us all. Just freshen your mouth before we play. Flossing is helpful, too, because it helps remove food trapped between your teeth which, if it sits there long enough will rot…and rot never smells good.

Use deodorant. Seems obvious, but sometimes people show up with stinky pits. I realize that some people do not like to use it, but please do. Personally, I find smelly pits super distracting. It also has an effect of my wanting to keep my distance from you. If you balk because you have a problem with antiperspirants — how it’s unnatural that they stop you from sweating (I get this) or because they make you break out or something else — you don’t have to wear them, in particular. You can use mineral salt deodorants, clay-based deodorants, or even just essential oils. While they won’t keep you from sweating (which is fine) they will make your pits smell nice and not repel your Domme.

Don’t wear any fragrances. Unless a Domme has specifically asked you to, it’s best to err on the side of omitting the cologne or perfume. This is because some of Us may get a headache, it gets on our gear — which can be difficult or impossible to remove (and perhaps expensive to replace) — and We may not want it competing with Our own lovely scent…which you should take in with gratitude.

Groom yourself. Nails and hair. If you’re going to be doing anal play and have a hairy asshole, try to trim or shave it down, if you can. If you’re going to be doing any suction/pumping, shaving or buzzing down the area that will be pumped (e.g. nipples, genitals) will facilitate a better seal. If you’ve never trimmed or shaved and would like help, ask your Domme! She may have experience with this sort of thing and be willing to work it into your session.

Rinse out your hiney. If you’re doing any anal play with your Domme, DO NOT neglect this area. “Rinsing” means “douching” or giving yourself an enema. This cleans you out so we don’t encounter any surprise nuggets. We usually don’t want to deal with any more shit than we have to as it can be very messy, stinky, and an increased health risk to us. It can also make a sexy scene turn very unsexy. So, please, give it a nice rinse. If you don’t know how to do this, go buy one from the drugstore (they’re very cheap), empty the solution from the container, and fill it with tepid water. Gently flush yourself out. Repeat until the water runs clear. Do this shortly before play. (Some Dommes are okay if you quick rinse when you arrive, just check with her.) If you need more detailed instructions, use a search engine for help. Again, if you’d like to incorporate this process into your session, check with your Domme to see if She offers enemas. Make sure to ask before the session. Because if She doesn’t and you’re not prepared, you may not end up getting what you’ve been looking forward to all week.

Assess your physical and emotional states. Is your back or knees bothering you today? Do you feel stressed or depressed or especially sensitive? If your Domme doesn’t ask about these things, tell Her if anything is “off”. I always check-in with people before we begin so I know if I need to take something into consideration before I beat your ass, fuck with your mind, or have you grovel at My feet.

Eat something and hydrate. Eating something light before a scene is a good idea. (If it’s too heavy you may end up feeling sluggish or sleepy.) Making sure you’re hydrated is important too. If you feel you need to have a drink or snack during the session, mention this to your Domme. If you’re a diabetic, check with her beforehand to make sure she has what you need, or you can bring it yourself and have it on standby.

Stretch. If you’re prone to stiffness or aches, or you might be getting into awkward or sustained positions, do a little stretching beforehand. It helps with bloodflow and reduces the chance of injury.

And lastly…

Relax and enjoy yourself! The more relaxed and receptive you are to the experience, the more your Domme can focus on the scene, which increases the likelihood you will both have a great time.

💡 Tip: you can always bring travel-sized items with you and do a little prep before the scene. Some of My clients have done this and it works well. Or you’re welcome to use some of Mine. I have soap, shampoo, floss, mouthwash, and clean towels available along with a clean, modern shower.