Professional BDSM & Confidentiality: It Goes Both Ways

Almost every client expresses some kind of concern about their privacy. Some people are very laid back about it and some people are very, very paranoid. I understand and respect the range of concerns and needs that exist. However, what some clients don’t understand is that We professionals share some of these same concerns.

Clients take it upon themselves to protect their interests in a variety of ways. Sometimes they use pseudonyms, create a free email account just for the purposes of pursuing BDSM and fetish play, use different phone numbers (perhaps getting a dedicated cell phone number they have not shared with anyone other than the Domme(s) they see), pay for deposits and tributes in cash or via gift card (so as to be untraceable), and more. All of this is done to afford themselves some privacy from those they don’t want knowing about their proclivities.

As a professional, I believe that one of My primary responsibilities is to uphold confidentiality for My clients. I take people’s trust in Me very seriously. Though My personal ethics are sometimes in conflict with My professional ones, because I am here as a professional, that is the place from which I make My ethical decisions.

I uphold the highest level of confidentiality I can by law. This means, if a spouse were to contact Me asking Me if I knew their husband or wife, I would tell them I can’t say anything about anyone I have sessioned with — ever. If another pro Domme asked Me for My client’s contact info (name, address, phone number, email), I would tell them I cannot release any information about anyone I see without the client’s permission — including inquiries for a reference.

However, there are three instances where I will break confidentiality. One is if a person is a potential harm to someone. For example, if a person harmed or threatened to harm a Domme or other individual, this person is pretty much guaranteed to be placed on professional BDSM watchlists/blacklists. We DO NOT play around with people who hurt other Dommes or make threats. Really, it’s better We don’t session with them anyway as some of Us have deep sadistic reserves that may show themselves when provoked. The second instance is if someone indicates they may be a harm to themselves. That is, if a client tells Me they are going to kill themselves, I am going to get them some help. Of course, I will do whatever I can to maintain the confidentiality of the nature of our relationship, but if I really think you might kill yourself, I am not going to ignore that — even if it might mean I have to explain to a crisis center’s staff that I’m your Dominatrix. The last instance is in some legal situations. In certain cases, I may be forced to disclose details about Our relationship or be faced with fines and jail. Which cases are those, you ask? Let’s say someone liked child pornography. And let’s say they got involved in a “ring”. And let’s say that person also came to Me for sessions. Now, if that person gets caught, and their computer is seized, it is likely that when law enforcement sees the emails I have exchanged with that person talking about “sessions”, they will contact Me asking for information. I will, of course, tell them I can’t disclose information; at which time they will likely get a subpoena. Then, I will be forced to break confidentiality.

Now, there is a flip side to this coin that it does not appear many people think about: Us professionals. We have concerns about and take measures to protect Our privacy, too. Given that the laws around these kind of activities vary across the country and the world, the wrong person knowing that someone is doing any of this can get them thrown in jail — and sometimes that “wrong person” can be someone you might think is harmless or an “ally”. Not just another potential client who is asking you for a Domme’s number, but another Domme Herself.

It’s really unfortunate but some professionals aren’t all that ethical, professional, and/or mentally stable. Some Dommes don’t understand how to conduct themselves like a professional (other than the getting paid part). Some Dommes don’t have personal ethical codes — let alone know what ethics even mean. Some Dommes have emotional problems and it’s not beneath them to retaliate against clients and other Dommes. If one such person gets a hold of another Domme’s phone number or physical location, it could end up with that Domme having her home taken away, fined, thrown in jail, and life ruined. Sounds dramatic, but it can — and has — happened.

Unless a Domme has made it explicitly clear that she consents to you sharing ANY of Her personal info — whether it’s Her email, Her phone number, (especially) Her address, or even Her neighborhood — do not share it with anyone.

So, please understand that when we agree to even speak to you about a session, We are extending a level of trust to you. And when We agree to actually see you? An even greater level of trust. When a Domme extends that trust to you, treat it with deep respect, as We (should) do when you extend it to Us. If a Domme does not have Her email address on Her website, don’t share it with anyone. If a Domme does not have Her phone number on Her website, keep it to yourself. If a Domme is independent and is willing to session with you in Her own home, WOW, you are one lucky slut! Treat Her location as something that should be known only to you  — even if you think sharing would be harmless. Unless a Domme has made it explicitly clear that she consents to you sharing ANY of Her personal info — whether it’s Her email, Her phone, (especially) Her address, or even Her neighborhood — do not share it with anyone. You may not only cause harm to Her, but you may fuck yourself over, too.

We Dommes have screening procedures for those who want to session with Us. This is to help Us and Our clients stay safe. (If a Domme doesn’t screen and/or is willing to take anyone, that tells you a little bit about Her values.) If you give out Our contact info, then you may have helped someone We may have not felt safe sessioning with have access to Us in ways We may not have let them had. You may actually put Us in danger. This is why it’s important to treat Us with the same discretion as We treat you. If someone wants to know how to email or call Us, or wants to know where We are located, direct them to Our website. They can get Our email, phone, or location there — if We have chosen to publish it. If not, it’s guaranteed to be for a very good reason.

Take a moment to really grasp the weight of what it means when these kinds of personal details are shared — with strangers! Think about the kind of trust W/we are giving to each other. Think about what can happen if W/we don’t honor that trust. Understand that for many of U/us, someone knowing even one little thing could profoundly affect someone’s life: loss of a relationship, a career, friends, a business, a home, children. We are ALL taking risks here, and we can only continue when respect for one another’s privacy is maintained.