A Bit About Anal Play

This article is for those who are curious about anal play: how to try it…or what to do if it didn’t live up to your fantasies.

I’m a big ol’ anal top and have been taunting, training, and taking butts for almost 15 years now. Little butts, big butts, virgin butts, hungry-hungry-hippo butts. It’s one of my favorite things*. Butt, alass, this is not the case for all.

Sometimes when someone volunteers a little bit about why they dislike it, such as “I didn’t enjoy it because it hurt” or “I tried it once…wasn’t sexy”, I will ask if they don’t mind me inquiring further about their experience (for my own research purposes). What I usually discover is that they either tried it themselves and didn’t know what they were doing or they were introduced to it by a girlfriend or Domme who didn’t know what she was doing. It makes me sad because one bad experience — or even one less-than-hot experience — can sour people to the point of never wanting to try it again.

The reason why this happens is because people don’t bother educating themselves about how it works, what to do, and what not to do. They think it’s as simple as Put Thing In Hole. They don’t consider how their body might react or how it needs to adapt. Then, because they don’t know these things, they make assumptions and end up writing the whole thing off.

There is a common misconception that your first experience will look like what you see in porn. You know, that hot FemDom clip where she’s ramming a huge cock in his ass and he’s moaning in bliss. You swoon, “Ohmygoddess, I would do anything to be fucked like that!” I hate to break it to you, my slut, but that will not be anywhere close to what your first experience will be like. That is what may happen if you spend some quality time training your ass.

The reality is that your first experience putting something past your anus and into your rectum may feel unpleasant. Maybe even a little painful. You may feel like you suddenly have to shit. Which is the opposite of what you were expecting to feel. And is it at this point that some people decide they hate it. Because “this is supposed to feel as good as that FemDom clip looks!” and it doesn’t so horniness turns into bitter disappointment and the dildo goes into the dark drawer, never to be seen again.

Well, I say: give it another try. But let me help you get started on the right path.

If you want to experience what it would be like to be fucked like the gasping, whimpering, writhing-in-ecstasy bottom in the clip, start by exploring your own ass. Look at it in the mirror.  Touch it. Touch the area around it. Pay attention to how it feels when you lube up your finger and just slide it around your anus. Be gentle. You want to make friends with your budding cockhole.

Once you’re comfortable you can get ready to slide something in.

If you’re not sure where to look for the right toys there are plenty of guides online. (I may just write one myself.) Without a little help, people may end up getting something that’s not suitable for them. This can be because you feel like a kid in a candy store and you just buy whatever looks like it would feel good in your ass. It also can mean you may unknowingly buy something that shouldn’t actually be touching your private parts. See, the sex toy industry is not regulated and so they’re pretty much free to use all sorts of toxic materials to make the things you are rubbing back and forth against your delicate insides. Some of these compounds can be absorbed by your tissue and some of them are linked to things like endocrine disruption, birth defects, and cancer.

Another issue that can confuse consumers is that you can’t trust that a manufacturer actually knows what the hell they’re making. It’s true. Some of them clearly haven’t ever done the activity they are making products for. (I’m looking at you, Random China Brand Often Found In Places Like Amazon, eBay, or Alibaba.) Take for example this plug:

MistressTissa_wtfintroplug

Notice the way it’s marketed: “Perfect size for intro anal play”.

Hunty, this is in no way an “intro” plug — unless you are an elephant. This plug has a circumference of 6.5″. You know what else has a circumference of 6.5″? My vitamin bottle. No beginner should be trying to put a vitamin bottle in their ass.

Here’s a comparison of the above plug with a plug that is actually more suitable for introductory play:

MistressTissa_PlugCompariso

When you’re ready to try putting something in, start with something small. Like a finger. The actual beginner plug on the left is like a finger. A meaty, manly finger that will probe your wet, hungr–oh, sorry. I got carried away.

If you’re using a toy, and it’s not a body-safe material like silicone, glass, or medical-grade stainless steel, be sure to slide a condom on it. (We don’t want sexy time to later turn into anal cancer time.) If you don’t have a toy, or a meaty, manly finger, use your own finger. If a finger still feels too big, use something with an even smaller diameter. This could be a pen, wood dowel (make sure it’s not a wood that will easily snap in half), or anything else that doesn’t have sharp edges that can hurt you. And, of course, put a condom on it, too.

If you’re concerned about the possibility of getting a little poo on your hand, put a glove on. Or, if you want to be sure that there will definitely not be any poo on your hand — glove or not — you can get one of those cheap enema kits (like Fleet), empty the contents, fill with lukewarm water, and gently rinse yourself out until you’re clear.

Once you’re ready, lube it up.

Lay on your back and slowly slide the toy or finger in. Not very far; just the tip. Just enough to get your anus familiar with the sensation of something going in instead of coming out. Breathe and relax while you’re doing this.

Once that feels okay, you can slide it in a little further. If it doesn’t, either just sit there and wait to see if the discomfort passes or, if it doesn’t, take it out. Wait a few moments and try again. Then breathe and relax. Repeat. Until you have it where you want it.

If it feels uncomfortable, focus on relaxing that area. If it still feels uncomfortable, you can stroke or use a vibe on your cock or clit and see if that helps. If not, you can stop and try again another time.

Keep in mind that it can take several tries to feel any pleasure. And for some it never seems to feel pleasurable. That’s okay. You can do something else. Maybe come back to it next month or next year. Or never. Whatever you want.

Dicks. Lots of dicks.

For those who do find the right feel and are ready to move on, you can size up, if that is your goal.

Again: always use condoms on unsafe or unknown materials and always with a lot of lube.

Once you get to where you feel like you can take a dildo, start slowly there, too. No matter how eager you are to be your Mistress’s dirty, dirty slut, don’t force anything. You can injure yourself, which can be very painful, and possibly lose some of the progress you’ve made as your body heals.

Now, for those who want to ask a professional Domme for anal play…

*Please be aware that some Dommes don’t openly offer it. The reason is laws can make it a risky endeavor. This is because, depending on your jurisdiction or which judge’s courtroom you may unfortunately end up in, anal penetration within a professional practice could be — and in some cases definitely is — construed as “prostitution”. Therefore, to be safe, some Dommes, like myself, do not advertise it.

You can mention that you find anal play interesting. (Unless she indicates it’s a hard limit.) You can tell her what your experience level is. Just be prepared that the negotiation process may be slightly different than other activities, if she is willing to negotiate it at all — especially if you have no references. Just be patient and follow her lead.

Once you do get to the point of making that dream come true, be sure to rinse that hiney out. Practice beforehand until you’re good at it. Then make sure you do it before you arrive for the session so there aren’t any surprises. Then, relax and enjoy every minute of it!

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Concerns About Coronavirus/COVID-19

Addressing your concerns about the coronavirus outbreak.

I wanted to address concerns that people may have with the outbreak of the coronavirus, SARS-CoV2. I want to let you know how I’m handling it as a person who not only interacts with many people but often in very close proximity, and how this affects you.

The first thing to do is understand that a coronavirus infection isn’t a death sentence for most. In fact, most of us have been infected with one or more of the common strains of these viruses in our lifetime. Though this strain is new and serious, it’s mortality rate is currently relatively small, about 2% of infected people, and those people usually had pre-existing conditions or otherwise were more vulnerable because of weakened immune systems. So, if people become infected, most are likely to recover. Some may have little to no symptoms at all.

The second thing is to understand that while I come into contact with many people, some of whom are from different cities, states, even countries, you are probably much more likely to acquire this or any other airborne pathogen while at the post office, grocery store, or even the doctor’s office. Why? Simply put: numbers. You come into contact with far more people in those places than I do in my dungeon. And at the doctor’s office, specifically, you’re more likely to come into contact with sick people.

Those things aside, I have increased my safety measures.

I’m including additional questions in my health screening. I’m asking clients if they have had any symptoms of illness, especially fever, cough, or any breathing difficulties. If someone says yes, I ask them to postpone their session. If someone says no, I ask them if they have come into contact with anyone with those symptoms. If they say yes, I ask them to postpone their session. If they say no, I ask if they have traveled. Any people who have recently traveled to higher-risk areas (e.g. China, Iran, Italy) will be asked to postpone their session.

I have also stepped up the frequency of cleaning common surfaces which can easily transmit pathogens, such as doorknobs, lightswitches, handles, faucets, and the like. I’m now cleaning them after every visitor.

The procedures I use in my dungeon haven’t changed much because I already adhere to a rigorous method after each session.

I explain my procedure in my FAQ, but will review it here:

I use barriers such as gloves and disposable pads on surfaces such as my bench, table, couch, and floors. Not only does this reduce the risk of transmission between my clients and me, but between my clients and you.

I use appropriate disinfection techniques for the surface and material in question. When possible, materials are sterilized.

I use about five different products to disinfect. Which one I use depends on what I’m disinfecting. Four of the five disinfectants I use are medical grade (i.e. what are used in hospitals and doctor’s offices). While this is effective for the vast majority of pathogens that may be encountered in my dungeon, it is important to know that not all medical grade disinfectants kill everything. This particular coronavirus may be one such thing. Right now, there is no conclusive evidence of what kills this virus because it is a novel strain. Until they are able to rigorously test what renders it inactive, they are speculating.

Right now, the CDC and EPA have provided lists of products they believe should be effective because those products are effective against other similar viruses, such as what is known as “SARS” (SARS-CoV, the strain from 2002-2003) and “MERS” (MERS-CoV). Of the products I used, two are on the EPA’s list of registered products. Another one released a statement saying they can be used against this strain of coronavirus because they have shown efficacy against other similar viruses, presumably SARS-CoV and MERS-CoV. In short: I’m already disinfecting in the way the CDC recommends to protect against transmission of these types of viruses.

And I constantly wash my hands — correctly! Anyone who has sessioned with me has seen me over at my sink washing my hands at some point, usually multiple times.

So, if you are worried about getting SARS-CoV2 from visiting me, I want you to know that I can’t honestly tell you that you are completely safe. No Dominatrix, other BDSM professional, or any other professional can, for that matter. If they did they would be lying. People can be infected and be asymptomatic for 2-14 days (I read one source say up to four weeks). This means they have no idea they are infected with the virus. And though you are less likely to spread it when you’re asymptomatic, it is still possible — not just through touch but through the air.

Me? I believe I’m low risk to be a carrier. I have traveled only within Philadelphia since the beginning of the year, have had no symptoms of any communicable illness, nor have the people I have seen since this outbreak began. However, this does not mean someone I had contact with was not a carrier. We all have to use our best judgment here.

The number one most important preventative measure I can do is to ask those who have have been sick or who have traveled to areas in which infections have been reported to not book sessions with me at this time. Those who are not sick cannot acquire this or any other virus by people who are not infected with it. By you staying home, you keep all of us safer. Thank you.

Response to Vice’s “I Give Disabled People Orgasms For a Living”


A friend recently shared this article with me:

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/bmwbz3/i-give-disabled-people-orgasms-for-a-living

I appreciate when people provide a platform for those of us in the sex work community to educate others about the reality of our work. Much of what we do is heavily misunderstood, stigmatized, and subject to heavy doses of misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, ageism — you name it. This all has a tangible effect on the lives of both us and our clients and makes this work sometimes very difficult to do.

In this brief interview, there are several things that Ms. Nerdahl gets right. We help people with their sexual development. We often teach them, whether they (or we) are conscious of it or not, to better understand and accept themselves, their bodies, and their desires. We do in fact see individual men the most but many of us are open to couples and to women, though far fewer women contact us. And she is absolutely correct that our work should be decriminalized and not legalized (they’re not the same thing) and that people aren’t “criminals” for seeking out support for their erotic needs. (It can’t be a crime if there are no victims!)

On the other hand, there are some things that Ms. Nerdahl gets wrong. For example, this paragraph:

The difference between prostitution and what I do is that we were saying 1) this is medically assisted, but 2) it’s not just about getting your money. I shouldn’t say prostitution’s all about money, but if you were just to hire an escort, she’s not necessarily going to care about getting you to a better place than when she found you, or to help you achieve whatever it is or help you learn something or help you explore something. The other thing is, she wants your repeat business. With us, we have more of a set protocol. Because emotional attachment is an issue that comes up, especially when you’re dealing with intimacy like this, there is a cap on sessions. And there’s a debrief that is supposed to happen at the end of each session, to help the clients process what’s happened and to help them process any emotional attachments that have maybe come up. And to make sure that everybody stays in a healthy space with it. It’s very client-led. The client identifies what it is that they want to explore or what it is that they want to learn or experience, and the coach is there as a guide or as a facilitator.

First of all, there really isn’t a difference between what she does and calls “medically assisted sex” and what people broadly call “prostitution”. Plenty of “prostitutes”, or sex workers, do in fact see people who need the kind of support she offers her clients. Sometimes this support is with sex itself. Sometimes it’s more about being held or caressed. Sometimes it’s to help process emotional and psychological concerns, which may be reflected in the types of activities or roleplays chosen; or through coaching, counsel, or various techniques which resemble those used in psychotherapy. Or it’s a combination of all of these.

If people aren’t aware, there are a helluva lot of sexually conflicted people in this world. We sex workers give them space to be and heal. And we assume the burden of all the misunderstanding, stigma, and hatred in order to do it. In that sense, it could be said we all offer “medically assisted” services.

It’s not true that “prostitutes” are necessarily all about money or that she (or he) isn’t concerned about getting you in a better place. I’m sure Ms. Nerdahl has a big heart, but let’s be honest: she wants to get paid for her work like the rest of us. (No different than people who don’t do sex work for a living.) Many sex workers are wonderfully caring, empathic people who care about their clients just as much — if not more — than Ms. Nerdahl does.

It’s also untrue that we don’t do things to mitigate or discourage emotional attachment. We Dominatrices tend to “debrief” our clients after their experiences with us, especially those which are particularly intense and challenging. Some of us also uphold very clear boundaries with our clients between sessions to ensure they don’t confuse the fantasy we explore together with the reality of our relationship outside of that fantasy. And though Ms. Nerdahl, and other workers like her, may put a limit on sessions, we don’t usually do that because, as she herself acknowledges, everyone is different. So, the need one person has might get fulfilled in one session but for another take years.

The larger problem here is that she’s speaking from a place in which there is a moral hierarchy of erotic services, often referred to as the “whorearchy”, of which she seems to place herself at the top. It’s disappointing but I don’t hold it against her. We’re all indoctrinated to see “prostitutes” as lesser people. She’s just acting that out.

What I want people to understand from this is that one does not need to call sex work “medically assisted” to make it respectable. This furthers stigma, and also sets us up for some really ugly regulatory possibilities when we finally decriminalize all sex work. I would also argue that it feeds the idea that women need to be men’s “nurses” in order to get approval for how we use our bodies.

There are a lot of reasons why people see sex workers — disabilities, working through psychological issues, wanting sexual experience, lack of time to develop relationships, and more — but there are also people who just want to have pure, raw sex for sex’s sake. And there is nothing wrong with that. And nothing wrong with paying someone who provides this as their job.

Ask yourselves: why does our culture normalize deceit as a way to get one’s sexual needs met but stigmatizes those who want to pay for it? Why is it more noble to manipulate a woman into sex than to honestly negotiate it with her in exchange for payment?

So, while this interview with Ms. Nerdahl is a welcome dialogue about the realities of sex work, it also illuminates our need to better understand and destigmatize the different types of work within our own community. We all may do different things, but they are all a necessary way to express human needs and desires — not only for our clients but often often us, too — and that itself is respectful enough.

Another One Bites The Dust

On January 28th, I received an email from a popular payment vehicle stating that I had been flagged as a “prohibited use case”. I was told that I should look elsewhere for a payment provider and that any payments sent to or from my email would be automatically cancelled. It closed with, “Thank you for your understanding.”

The email was brief and offered no explanation as to how they identified me as in violation of their terms. And, as I came to see the next day, it was received by many other people who also worked in the adult industry, and who also didn’t get an explanation. I emailed the company to ask, but have yet to receive a reply. Having been banned by another popular payment app, who also did not provide any reason, nor a response to how I had violated their terms, I don’t expect to ever receive one.

Was I frustrated? Of course. Surprised? Nope. When it comes to ways that those of us in adult work send or receive money (gifts or otherwise), we are used to the ways in which we are initially welcomed but later banned.

In the case of this site, I didn’t even know this until I did some research and found this:

https://twitter.com/myfreecats/status/1222592006779629568

This is a pattern, actually.

People in the adult industry are a great way to get your business off the ground. Gain a following. Make some money. I mean, sex work is a multi-billion dollar industry. Sex sells, right? Get us on there posting sexy photos and videos and writing and you’re guaranteed to attract users.

We have been included in popular platforms, such as Facebook and Instagram, and in many ways sexy content has been the driving force of these interfaces, or a regular part of it, at least. However, once the company seems to achieve its user goals or generates some impressive revenue growth reports or something, we’re booted off, or heavily censored. (Twitter is one we’re all just waiting to see if we’ll be booted from. We’ve already experienced censorship in the form of “shadowbanning” and recent concerns that Twitter may be engineering a way to soft ban adult content through tweet reporting.)

So, here we are. Again. Banned from another platform. This time one it’s one we use for sending money.

But why can’t we use a regular credit card processor, or something like PayPal or Cash or Google Pay, like other businesses do? Because most of them, and their affiliates, won’t do business with us. Even if the work we’re doing is legal, we’re considered too “high risk”. Whether that’s true or whether it’s an issue of pearl-clutching, the result has been the same: denial of service.

Why not lie about what we’re being paid for? Some people do. But it often comes with a great risk. If discovered, you could potentially be prosecuted for money laundering. (Would you want to take the risk of a felony charge, hefty fine, and possible prison time? For accepting a $300 payment?) In some cases, they have not only shut down the accounts of adult workers, but confiscated their money. So, we routinely have to find ways to work around a continually changing landscape of barriers.

This payment site was one quick and easy way for us to send and receive cash. But no more. It’s now become the latest site who seemed to use us to meet their goals…before suddenly banning us without warning.

Of course, FOSTA/SESTA could be a factor in this decision. Sites don’t want to be accused of “facilitating (sex) trafficking”, which is somehow considered the same thing as consensual commercial sex, so they naturally drop us like a hot potato. If this is the reason, then why did they wait almost 2 years after it having been signed into law to cut the rug out from under us?

Regardless of the reason, we now have to scramble to find solutions. As we do this, be prepared for:

  • being asked to send gifts to us in a different way
  • changes in how you may be vetted
  • being asked to send payment for goods or services in a different way
  • increases in prices

Why changes in vetting? Some providers use payments as a vetting method. If that provider is no longer able to accept a payment in a way that works with her safety model, she may need to change how she vets you.

Why an increase in price? Most sites that specifically cater to the adult industry take a larger and significant portion of the payments than other sites geared toward the general public. This is because of the “high risk” I mentioned. One of these high risks is because we’re supposedly more likely to have chargebacks.

Here’s an example: a guy gets horny, buys a porn clip, jacks off to it, and then decides he’s going to be a prick and ask for his money back. Depending on the policies and resources of the site he bought the clip from, the policies of the card he used to purchase it, and the reasons he gave for asking for a refund, this is an added expense for processors to deal with and it contributes to the obstacles we face when doing this work. Guess who assumes the economic burden of fraudsters and thieves? Not the people committing the actual crimes, but those of us providing the goods.

So, in order to maintain necessary income levels, please don’t be alarmed if you notice some of us raising our tributes as we figure how run our businesses in a way that is friendly to modern-day needs of convenience and immediacy within a culture that is hostile to adult entertainers.

When these changes occur they not only require adjustments on our part but yours as well. When we lose access to safety and convenience, you lose access to it, too. Know that you may need to work with us and adhere to new ways that ensure that safety. Understand that some of us may not be able to receive payment as quickly as before which may result in delays from the time you send payment to the time we provide a good or service. Accept that you may need to plan ahead more often. And, please, don’t blame us for it.

(Don’t like this? Tell your lawmakers to Decriminalize Sex Work.)

[Image © Paul Campbell, 147222511]

A Real FemDom Island? Welcome To Estonia’s Isle Of Women

Kihnuwomanwithdog

“…the concept of feminism, often met with bewilderment here. The reasoning: Of course, women are capable. Of course, women are competent. But no, men and women aren’t equal — women have proven they can do everything men can, but men can’t do everything women can.”

“People think we are making some statement with the women being in charge, but that’s our culture,” she reasoned. “It works. We can’t imagine it any other way.”

Full article here.

How Do I Know If My Kink Is Good Or Bad? And What Can I Do About It?

Do you feel unsure about your sexuality, specifically your kinks? Have you been concerned whether what you enjoy is “good” or if it’s “bad”? Have you asked yourself, “Is it OK that I’m doing this?” or “Is there something wrong with me?” If you have, it’s normal. People have these concerns — sometimes to the point of causing great distress — that something is just not right about the “kinky” things they enjoy, but they have difficulty considering this objectively.

When trying to get some insight, it’s important to remember that since everyone has different likes, dislikes, levels of comfort, etc., and what feels good for one person may not be for another. “Good” and “bad” can be used as a shorthand for a value judgment and these values don’t necessarily apply to everyone. Because of this, I encourage you to instead think of them as either “healthy” or “unhealthy”.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help evaluate where yours fall:

When engaging in your kink, do you…

MistressTissa_Strippedrequire that you first become intoxicated? Are you unable to engage in your interest without first needing to get drunk or do drugs?

…ignore boundaries — whether your own or someone else’s? Do you routinely allow yourself to be pressured to do things you don’t want to do? Or do you pressure or “trick” someone else into doing things? Is “consent” something you let someone else decide for you or something you believe you should decide for others? (This does not include the practice of “consensual non-consent”.)

…not know when or how to stop? Do you have a compulsive need to do your kink? Does it feel like you’re “addicted” to it? Do you want to stop but you believe you can’t?

 …feel guilt or regret afterward? Do you wish you hadn’t done what you just did? Do you experience anxiety or depression afterward? Perhaps feeling bad about yourself, beating yourself up, or even go so far as to have thoughts of self-harm?

…see that it has had an overall negative impact on your life? Such as preoccupying much of your thoughts at the expense of other important things? Compelling you to recklessly spend money? Causing you be late for or miss work? Affecting your interpersonal relationships, such as with family or friends? Or generally decreasing your quality of life?

If you said yes to any of these questions, you may have an unhealthy relationship to your kink. (If you didn’t then your relationship may be healthy.)

What’s important to note with feelings of guilt or regret is that while they may indicate a problem they don’t necessarily mean that the kink itself is the problem. Sometimes people feel guilt or regret because of their own beliefs about their kink; such as that they are a defective or bad person, something which our culture may teach us but may not be true. Some people feel guilt or regret after secretly engaging in their kink because they assume the people in their lives will not understand or approve. In both these cases, the issue may not be the kink but the attitudes and circumstances surrounding the kink.

What do you do if you think you might have an unhealthy relationship to your kink?

I recommend finding a qualified professional who is trained in mental health and has competency with human sexuality, particularly kink, and experience helping people with the kinds of emotions you’re having (e.g. shame, guilt, anger, addiction).

Where can you get a kink-competent* provider?

One place I’d recommend looking is the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom’s Kink-Aware Professional database. This database does not include all providers; only those that have requested to be listed. So, if you don’t see someone in your area, that does not mean there isn’t someone out there.

Another place to look is a search engine. Try searching for “therapy” or “counseling” or even “coaching”; your city or state; and your specific kink, or just “kink”, or even “sexuality”. See who comes up. If anyone looks interesting, give them a call. You may find other directories this way as well.

What if I have/don’t have insurance?

If you have insurance and need the provider to be in-network, contact your insurer for a list of mental health professionals in your area and then do a quick web search for each of them. See if they have a website with information about their competencies. If you’re unclear, give them a quick call. Most providers will be happy to answer a few questions about their qualifications and if they think they might be able to help you.

If you can’t find someone in-network, don’t despair. Sometimes insurers will cover out-of-network providers if their rate is comparable to those in-network. Or, they will cover a certain amount and you pay the rest. Ask your insurer about this. Then ask the provider you’re interested in if they are willing to work with your insurer.

If you are able to pay out of pocket you are likely to have more options. So consider if you’re willing to go that route and how much you are able to afford. I recommend thinking about this before you make any calls so you’re prepared to discuss it if you find a provider that interests you. (Note: unlicensed providers are not able to take insurance.)

How do you know if the person is right for you?

This is usually not immediately apparent. It’s like going to a doctor or restaurant or even meeting a new friend. Sometimes you may feel like it’s a good fit from the first visit, sometimes it takes a little more time. Prepare yourself for there to be some trial and error.

Before you make an appointment with someone, know that you are completely within your right to vet the person with whom you will be sharing many personal details of your life. This means you’re allowed to ask them about their education, experience, attitudes toward and competency with your specific kink (and even kinks, in general), and how they have helped people like you in the past. If they do not welcome your questions, this is, in my view, a red flag.

Also important is to be aware that if you do find someone and they in any way try to shame and tell you that you should not be kinky and are bad for being this way, I recommend that you STOP seeing them. This is not the behavior of a kink-friendly or competent provider and is not an appropriate match for kinky people. (They are also likely to not be a good mental health practitioner in general.) Seeing someone like this would be like a gay person wanting support for being gay and the provider telling them that being gay is bad and to stop being gay. If you do not feel they are offering reasonable support, then try someone else.

Does having unhealthy thoughts or feelings make you “crazy”?

If you are worried about the possibility that because you might have an unhealthy relationship to your kink that you are in some way “crazy”, please understand that having any of the above thoughts or feelings doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “mentally ill” in the way a lot of people think of it, but that understanding unhealthy thoughts, feelings, and behavior, and the processing and modification of those things, is what therapists, counselors, and even some coaches are trained to do. This is why they are a good choice to support you through these types of issues.

(*Not just kink-friendly. Anyone can be “friendly” to a situation or type of person; it doesn’t mean that have any idea of how to appropriately help and support them.)

Why Chronic Pain Sufferers Are Turning To BDSM

“…a kink environment has the potential to give pain a new vocabulary—which benefits both the chronically pained—and those trying to understand pain outside of its limited medical and socially constructed definition.”

Full article here.

BDSM and the Law

This is not an easy job. Not just because of everything you have to learn or acquire or manage, but because of the mores of the society in which we live and how they have affected the creation of laws and the enforcement of those laws. It’s a consideration that those of us on the providing end think about regularly — if not daily.

Offering BDSM/kink professionally involves navigating some choppy waters. While many of us have been doing what we do without incident for years — if not decades — there have been some arrests, prosecutions, and lawsuits relating to the practice of BDSM. This can create what is called “precedent”, or a court decision used as an example or authority to help resolve subsequent cases which are similar in nature. Though rulings in our favor can offer potential help, they can only help if they’re out there. And I don’t think there’s a lot of precedent out there.

While we tend to live in what one kink-friendly attorney called, “a culture of tolerance”, which means that while some things may technically not be deemed “permissible”, the laws around them are not really enforced. As a result, the unpredictability of this, mixed with a lack of precedent, means these waters are uncharted. So, if you want to explore these waters, it behooves you to understand what you might find in them.

People may not be aware of this but offering BDSM professionally is actually illegal in some places. New Jersey is one of them*. This means that someone could conceivably be arrested for offering to tie you down and spank you for payment. (Wild, huh?) It means that advertising yourself as offering or looking for pro play would be a violation of the law.

In other places professional BDSM itself isn’t illegal but certain activities might be. Do you have a fetish for strap-on play (aka “pegging”) or forced “cock” sucking? Or do you have a fantasy of being Dominated by more than one person or being in a “forced bi” scene? That’s hot and all, but in some jurisdictions those things could be construed as “prostitution” or “pimping”, respectively.

“Is this truly risky?”, you may ask. This is the nature of uncharted waters. We don’t always know the level of risk we’re taking. It’s dependent on various factors — some which we have control over and some that we don’t.

This is one reason why you may see differences in how Dommes advertise themselves. Some don’t advertise at all or don’t talk about what they do or don’t discuss payment. This can be because it’s beyond Her comfort zone to be so open, whether it’s for privacy reasons or legal ones.

If you’re thinking, “If this is true, then why have I seen Dommes offer all these things?” Sometimes it’s because the Domme honestly doesn’t care and is willing to assume the risk, in other cases She doesn’t know the law and the risk She’s taking.

Whatever the reason for the Domme, it’s in your best interest to learn the law in the area in which you play. This does not mean you have to give up on your kinky dreams. It just means you should be wise and pursue your passions carefully.

So, before sending a message to a Domme and asking, “Can you fuck me in the ass?” or “Can you pimp me out to your other clients?”, know that it may be met with silence and ruin your chances of sessioning with Her. You may need to prove yourself trustworthy before some of these things are discussed — if they ever will be at all.

*In statute 34:1, it defines “prostitution” as including “sadistic or masochistic abuse and other deviate sexual relations.”

The others states in which their prostitution statutes specifically includes sadomasochistic abuse or some variant as a “sexual act” or “sexual contact”:

Arizona
Hawaii
Louisiana
Maryland
DC

States in which toilet play (urine and/or feces) is included in the statute about prostitution:

New Hampshire
North Carolina
North Dakota

States in which the definition of “touching genitals” and/or “masturbation” could include CBT:

Oklahoma
Rhode Island
South Dakota
Texas
Washington

States in which there are extremely broad definitions which include anything designed for “sexual gratification” or that which is “lewd” and “lascivious”:

Delaware
Oklahoma

State in which a live BDSM show is considered illegal due to “indecency”:

Oregon

State in which “basic dominance and submission” are specifically EXCLUDED from the prostitution statute:

New York

This is not a complete list of all statues and it doesn’t qualify as a substitute for legal advice from an attorney.

(Credit to attorney Steven Sandler for the source I’m citing.)

If you want to better understand the law, I recommend starting at the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s (NCSF) write up. You can also check their legal resources tag.

If you’re outside the US, you can start on the BDSM and the law Wiki page which mentions the law in other countries. (You probably want to verify the sources, though.)

After that, I advise you to contact an attorney in your area. The type of attorney who is most-likely to be able to answer questions about this are criminal defense attorneys.

NCSF’s website also has a searchable database of kink-aware professionals, which includes lawyers. (Be sure you select at least a country or you will get zero results.) Please note that not every kink-aware professional in listed in this directory; only those who have submitted a request to be listed.

Femme Exploration

If you’re a man who is interested in exploring your “feminine” or “femme” side you may feel embarrassed or ashamed. Though it’s common to feel this way, you don’t have to. You can release the fear or shame you carry about exploring yourself as a whole human being.

Why do you feel so embarrassed or ashamed? One reason stems from the way men are socialized. Men are taught to believe that comparisons to women — whether in the tone or cadence of their voice, body shape, clothing preference, or mannerisms —  are emasculating and ultimately an indicator of their lack of authenticity and value as a man and person. In short: if you are in any way like a woman, you are defective; you aren’t “man enough”.

I’m here to tell you: none of it is true. You have been lied to.

You may feel that the entirety of the construct of “male” doesn’t apply to you. Or maybe just some of it. You may feel that you’d prefer to act or dress differently. Even if only on special occasions. You might want to have different interests and hobbies. Express your emotions freely. But you feel trapped by the expectation that’s been created for you.

Know this: the template that men are assigned to is only someone’s idea about who they think you should be. And it is likely in some way rooted in their need to control the existence of others to compensate for the fears they have about their own. The great news? You don’t need to let someone else’s fears become yours too and rule your life.

So you think you’d like to explore your femme self but you have some apprehensions. You don’t know where to start. You’re afraid you might be judged. You feel like you might not relate to what you see other men do, so you think that maybe it’s not your thing.

If you would like to explore these parts of yourself with someone you can feel safe with, I welcome you. You are free to be who you are without fear that you will be mocked or judged. In fact, I explicitly state under femme/feminization on my interests page that, unlike the typical approach to “feminization”, I don’t do any femme play as a form of humiliation. Aside from my not seeing femme as anything to be degraded for, but as one way of being beautiful and sexy, I find it antithetical to Female Dominance.

I’m highly competent with this idea we call “gender” and the way in which it can be expressed. I have spent a lot of time both working with people who have unconventional ideas about their gender or don’t feel the identity they’ve been assigned applies to them, to having done a lot of thinking about the phenomenological and epistemological aspects of identity, including gender and sexuality, and how I personally feel about and relate to them.

My awareness extends from the commonly-understood constructs of “male”, “female”, “masculine”, “feminine”, “androgynous”, etc.; to the fusion of seemingly contradictory concepts like “boydyke” or “girlfag”; to gender not actually being a real thing.

If you see how others express their “feminine” or “femme” selves and you feel alienated, it’s important to know that “femme” is a range of expression. It doesn’t have to be done in stereotypical ways or with hyperfeminine clothing, as is commonly depicted in BDSM.

This means it doesn’t have to be:

  • You assuming a female persona. That is: men can wear lingerie, be sexy, be slutty, and NOT have to become “women” to do it. You can retain your identity as a male person and wear panties, stockings, bra, makeup, eyelashes, heels, etc. (Though it’s okay if you do want to be your “female” self.)
  • Include anything pink. Love red? White? Black? Blue? Gold? Your expression of femme can be any color you like.
  • Include anything frilly, lacey, with ribbons, or otherwise “cutesy”. This is what I mean by “hyperfeminine”. It sort of like taking stereotypically girly things and turning it up to 13. The effect is you looking like a doll or child or wedding cake. Again, if you genuinely like this, wonderful, but it’s not necessarily what femme looks or feels like to everyone. (In fact, it doesn’t for the vast majority of femme/female-identified people.)
  • A “full transformation”. Though some people want to spend hours transforming their appearance from head to toe, others just want to put on lipstick or panties or heels.

Here’s some images that depict a range of femme expression by men (or at least people who were likely assigned male at birth):

Expressing yourself in a femme way also doesn’t mean:

  • You’re confused about your identity as a man
  • You’re a “sissy”
  • You’re really a woman
  • You’re gay (panties or heels don’t make you gay, they make you pretty)
  • You’re “weak”
  • You deserve ridicule

How you explore your femme side can be as lighthearted or as deep as you want it to be. It can be the entire focus of our session or it can be almost a “non-issue”, like your hair or eye color. This means your femme expression can range from highly eroticized (you sexy slut in your pretty panties and garter belt) to devoid of intentional eroticism (you’re wearing panties, sure, but this is really about me tying you down until you can’t move a muscle).

Whatever feels good, I’d love to facilitate an experience for you!

MistressTissa_PBPanties