Know Your Limits

When you approach me for a scene please make sure that you can tell me your limits, not just your interests. Lately, I have noticed more people are not prepared and don’t know what theirs are. They’re approaching me for a session and have sometimes no idea about what they’re not okay with.

For my play-style, this is a problem. Your limits are actually more important than your interests as they tell me important boundaries that I cannot cross. This is essential for me to know so I, you know, don’t cross them.

What’s happening is that during the scene consultation I start asking about limits and I’m getting “I’m not sure” or “I don’t know” kind of answers. Then I’m spending valuable time asking if this or that is okay when I should be spending it on other things. The consultation is not the place for me to help you figure out your own rules but to ask you clarifying questions about them, if needed. Figuring things out can take a lot of time and will quickly eat up the call.

If you’re not aware, there are (at least) two categories of limits: “hard” and “soft”. Everyone seems to be in agreement that “hard” are things that are completely off the table, but “soft” has some confusion. I see most people define it as “things you don’t really like doing but will do if the Mistress wants to do them”. I don’t think that definition makes sense as you are not telling me a limit but a preference. A limit is a boundary. There is no boundary in that you don’t really like wax play but will do it if I like it. So, I define “soft” as something that falls between being completely OKAY or completely NOT OKAY.

In short:

HARD limit: done under NO conditions.
SOFT limit: done under CERTAIN conditions.

For example:

If femme play (aka “feminization”) was a hard limit it means you’re not okay with any kind of femme play. There are no conditions by which you’re willing to do anything femme related.

If femme had a soft limit, it means you have specific conditions around it. It could be that you’re only okay with panties OR panties and stockings OR everything but makeup, etc.

If femme play has no limits, then you’re okay with anything femme related.

I realize that new players may honestly not yet know their limits. I get that. However, you still should have some idea of what you are absolutely not interested in incorporating into a scene, or even what kinds of things you’d be okay with as much as you can imagine having them done to you.

I have hard new players say things like, “Mistress, I’ve never done bondage before. I think I’d be okay if you tied my wrists or ankles down but I’m not sure about both yet.” You have just given me a soft limit.

If you’re having a difficult time coming up with your list a good place to start is my interests page. Go through the things I have listed there and add anything that you would not want in a scene to your hard limits or things that you have particular requirements about to your soft limits. Don’t worry about being afraid that you don’t get it right or that you end up wanting or not wanting to do something. You can change your limits at any time. But you should have this ready when you ask to play with someone. All good players — tops and bottoms — should be familiar with their partner’s limits.

If you would like personalized help I recommend scheduling a coaching call with me before you ask for a scene. I can go through a variety of things with you and we can hone in on your boundaries. I’m very good at this so you can feel confident that you will learn something about yourself during our call.

So, again, PLEASE BE PREPARED!

A Bit About Anal Play

This article is for those who are curious about anal play: how to try it…or what to do if it didn’t live up to your fantasies.

I’m a big ol’ anal top and have been taunting, training, and taking butts for almost 15 years now. Little butts, big butts, virgin butts, hungry-hungry-hippo butts. It’s one of my favorite things*. Butt, alass, this is not the case for all.

Sometimes when someone volunteers a little bit about why they dislike it, such as “I didn’t enjoy it because it hurt” or “I tried it once…wasn’t sexy”, I will ask if they don’t mind me inquiring further about their experience (for my own research purposes). What I usually discover is that they either tried it themselves and didn’t know what they were doing or they were introduced to it by a girlfriend or Domme who didn’t know what she was doing. It makes me sad because one bad experience — or even one less-than-hot experience — can sour people to the point of never wanting to try it again.

The reason why this happens is because people don’t bother educating themselves about how it works, what to do, and what not to do. They think it’s as simple as Put Thing In Hole. They don’t consider how their body might react or how it needs to adapt. Then, because they don’t know these things, they make assumptions and end up writing the whole thing off.

There is a common misconception that your first experience will look like what you see in porn. You know, that hot FemDom clip where she’s ramming a huge cock in his ass and he’s moaning in bliss. You swoon, “Ohmygoddess, I would do anything to be fucked like that!” I hate to break it to you, my slut, but that will not be anywhere close to what your first experience will be like. That is what may happen if you spend some quality time training your ass.

The reality is that your first experience putting something past your anus and into your rectum may feel unpleasant. Maybe even a little painful. You may feel like you suddenly have to shit. Which is the opposite of what you were expecting to feel. And is it at this point that some people decide they hate it. Because “this is supposed to feel as good as that FemDom clip looks!” and it doesn’t so horniness turns into bitter disappointment and the dildo goes into the dark drawer, never to be seen again.

Well, I say: give it another try. But let me help you get started on the right path.

If you want to experience what it would be like to be fucked like the gasping, whimpering, writhing-in-ecstasy bottom in the clip, start by exploring your own ass. Look at it in the mirror.  Touch it. Touch the area around it. Pay attention to how it feels when you lube up your finger and just slide it around your anus. Be gentle. You want to make friends with your budding cockhole.

Once you’re comfortable you can get ready to slide something in.

If you’re not sure where to look for the right toys there are plenty of guides online. (I may just write one myself.) Without a little help, people may end up getting something that’s not suitable for them. This can be because you feel like a kid in a candy store and you just buy whatever looks like it would feel good in your ass. It also can mean you may unknowingly buy something that shouldn’t actually be touching your private parts. See, the sex toy industry is not regulated and so they’re pretty much free to use all sorts of toxic materials to make the things you are rubbing back and forth against your delicate insides. Some of these compounds can be absorbed by your tissue and some of them are linked to things like endocrine disruption, birth defects, and cancer.

Another issue that can confuse consumers is that you can’t trust that a manufacturer actually knows what the hell they’re making. It’s true. Some of them clearly haven’t ever done the activity they are making products for. (I’m looking at you, Random China Brand Often Found In Places Like Amazon, eBay, or Alibaba.) Take for example this plug:

MistressTissa_wtfintroplug

Notice the way it’s marketed: “Perfect size for intro anal play”.

Hunty, this is in no way an “intro” plug — unless you are an elephant. This plug has a circumference of 6.5″. You know what else has a circumference of 6.5″? My vitamin bottle. No beginner should be trying to put a vitamin bottle in their ass.

Here’s a comparison of the above plug with a plug that is actually more suitable for introductory play:

MistressTissa_PlugCompariso

When you’re ready to try putting something in, start with something small. Like a finger. The actual beginner plug on the left is like a finger. A meaty, manly finger that will probe your wet, hungr–oh, sorry. I got carried away.

If you’re using a toy, and it’s not a body-safe material like silicone, glass, or medical-grade stainless steel, be sure to slide a condom on it. (We don’t want sexy time to later turn into anal cancer time.) If you don’t have a toy, or a meaty, manly finger, use your own finger. If a finger still feels too big, use something with an even smaller diameter. This could be a pen, wood dowel (make sure it’s not a wood that will easily snap in half), or anything else that doesn’t have sharp edges that can hurt you. And, of course, put a condom on it, too.

If you’re concerned about the possibility of getting a little poo on your hand, put a glove on. Or, if you want to be sure that there will definitely not be any poo on your hand — glove or not — you can get one of those cheap enema kits (like Fleet), empty the contents, fill with lukewarm water, and gently rinse yourself out until you’re clear.

Once you’re ready, lube it up.

Lay on your back and slowly slide the toy or finger in. Not very far; just the tip. Just enough to get your anus familiar with the sensation of something going in instead of coming out. Breathe and relax while you’re doing this.

Once that feels okay, you can slide it in a little further. If it doesn’t, either just sit there and wait to see if the discomfort passes or, if it doesn’t, take it out. Wait a few moments and try again. Then breathe and relax. Repeat. Until you have it where you want it.

If it feels uncomfortable, focus on relaxing that area. If it still feels uncomfortable, you can stroke or use a vibe on your cock or clit and see if that helps. If not, you can stop and try again another time.

Keep in mind that it can take several tries to feel any pleasure. And for some it never seems to feel pleasurable. That’s okay. You can do something else. Maybe come back to it next month or next year. Or never. Whatever you want.

Dicks. Lots of dicks.

For those who do find the right feel and are ready to move on, you can size up, if that is your goal.

Again: always use condoms on unsafe or unknown materials and always with a lot of lube.

Once you get to where you feel like you can take a dildo, start slowly there, too. No matter how eager you are to be your Mistress’s dirty, dirty slut, don’t force anything. You can injure yourself, which can be very painful, and possibly lose some of the progress you’ve made as your body heals. 

Now, for those who want to ask a professional Domme for anal play…

*Please be aware that some Dommes don’t openly offer it. The reason is laws can make it a risky endeavor. This is because, depending on your jurisdiction or which judge’s courtroom you may unfortunately end up in, anal penetration within a professional practice could be — and in some cases definitely is — construed as “prostitution”. Therefore, to be safe, some Dommes, like myself, do not advertise it.

You can mention that you find anal play interesting. (Unless she indicates it’s a hard limit.) You can tell her what your experience level is. Just be prepared that the negotiation process may be slightly different than other activities, if she is willing to negotiate it at all — especially if you have no references. Just be patient and follow her lead.

Once you do get to the point of making that dream come true, be sure to rinse that hiney out. Practice beforehand until you’re good at it. Then make sure you do it before you arrive for the session so there aren’t any surprises. Then, relax and enjoy every minute of it!

Like my free article? Send me a tip!

Preparing For Play

So, you found a Domme, agreed upon the activities, scheduled the session, and here it is, the day you’re going to play. Now what? What should you do before you get there?

While we don’t always have complete control over how well a scene will go, we do have control over how we prepare ourselves for that scene.  That preparation can make a big difference in our experience, physically and emotionally.

Here are some things to do that will help you start your scene off on the right foot.

Take a shower just prior to the session. If you have to travel some distance to your Domme and you get sweaty, ask to freshen up when you arrive. Some of Us offer a shower if you need it. Personally, I appreciate this kind of conscientiousness, so you never have to feel embarrassed to ask. If you’re swift, I won’t count it against your session time. One area on which to especially focus: your behind. It doesn’t take long for an ass to get smelly from sitting. A smelly ass is not a pleasant ass. (I realize it may be your fetish, but, sorry, it’s not Mine.)

Brush your teeth and use mouthwash. Bad breath is the number one hygiene issue I encounter (a stinky ass is the second). While some of the more pungent odors can be a real mood breaker, it’s okay; it happens to us all. Just freshen your mouth before we play. Flossing is helpful, too, because it helps remove food trapped between your teeth which, if it sits there long enough will rot…and rot never smells good.

Use deodorant. Seems obvious, but sometimes people show up with stinky pits. I realize that some people do not like to use it, but please do. Personally, I find smelly pits super distracting. It also has an effect of my wanting to keep my distance from you. If you balk because you have a problem with antiperspirants — how it’s unnatural that they stop you from sweating (I get this) or because they make you break out or something else — you don’t have to wear them, in particular. You can use mineral salt deodorants, clay-based deodorants, or even just essential oils. While they won’t keep you from sweating (which is fine) they will make your pits smell nice and not repel your Domme.

Don’t wear any fragrances. Unless a Domme has specifically asked you to, it’s best to err on the side of omitting the cologne or perfume. This is because some of Us may get a headache, it gets on our gear — which can be difficult or impossible to remove (and perhaps expensive to replace) — and We may not want it competing with Our own lovely scent…which you should take in with gratitude.

Groom yourself. Nails and hair. If you’re going to be doing anal play and have a hairy asshole, try to trim or shave it down, if you can. If you’re going to be doing any suction/pumping, shaving or buzzing down the area that will be pumped (e.g. nipples, genitals) will facilitate a better seal. If you’ve never trimmed or shaved and would like help, ask your Domme! She may have experience with this sort of thing and be willing to work it into your session.

Rinse out your hiney. If you’re doing any anal play with your Domme, DO NOT neglect this area. “Rinsing” means “douching” or giving yourself an enema. This cleans you out so we don’t encounter any surprise nuggets. We usually don’t want to deal with any more shit than we have to as it can be very messy, stinky, and an increased health risk to us. It can also make a sexy scene turn very unsexy. So, please, give it a nice rinse. If you don’t know how to do this, go buy one from the drugstore (they’re very cheap), empty the solution from the container, and fill it with tepid water. Gently flush yourself out. Repeat until the water runs clear. Do this shortly before play. (Some Dommes are okay if you quick rinse when you arrive, just check with her.) If you need more detailed instructions, use a search engine for help. Again, if you’d like to incorporate this process into your session, check with your Domme to see if She offers enemas. Make sure to ask before the session. Because if She doesn’t and you’re not prepared, you may not end up getting what you’ve been looking forward to all week.

Assess your physical and emotional states. Is your back or knees bothering you today? Do you feel stressed or depressed or especially sensitive? If your Domme doesn’t ask about these things, tell Her if anything is “off”. I always check-in with people before we begin so I know if I need to take something into consideration before I beat your ass, fuck with your mind, or have you grovel at My feet.

Eat something and hydrate. Eating something light before a scene is a good idea. (If it’s too heavy you may end up feeling sluggish or sleepy.) Making sure you’re hydrated is important too. If you feel you need to have a drink or snack during the session, mention this to your Domme. If you’re a diabetic, check with her beforehand to make sure she has what you need, or you can bring it yourself and have it on standby.

Stretch. If you’re prone to stiffness or aches, or you might be getting into awkward or sustained positions, do a little stretching beforehand. It helps with bloodflow and reduces the chance of injury.

And lastly…

Relax and enjoy yourself! The more relaxed and receptive you are to the experience, the more your Domme can focus on the scene, which increases the likelihood you will both have a great time.

💡 Tip: you can always bring travel-sized items with you and do a little prep before the scene. Some of My clients have done this and it works well. Or you’re welcome to use some of Mine. I have soap, shampoo, floss, mouthwash, and clean towels available along with a clean, modern shower.