Why Chronic Pain Sufferers Are Turning To BDSM

“…a kink environment has the potential to give pain a new vocabulary—which benefits both the chronically pained—and those trying to understand pain outside of its limited medical and socially constructed definition.”

Full article here.

Article: Kinky Sex Could Be the Secret to Your Success

“Many successful visionaries throughout history, from artists to scientists and even politicians, have had well-documented kinks and fetishes that affected how they operated in their daily lives.

A wave of recent research has confirmed this: If it’s something you desire in the first place, kinky sex can benefit you not just in the bedroom, but outside of it as well. “Unconventional” sexual practices and fantasies, such as BDSM, group sex, or role play, have been shown to reduce psychological stress, improve mental health and can help with satisfying and communicative relationships. Kinky people have also been found to have higher self-worth than those who are too afraid or ashamed to pursue their fantasies

People who engage in BDSM and kink have been found to be happier, more conscientious and less neurotic than people who don’t engage in so-called “deviant” sex. “

More confirmation of what many of us have known all along: kink is healthy and has tangible benefits.

Full article here: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12231118/how-kinky-sex-leads-to-career-success/ (worth the read)

Article: BDSM as Harm Reduction

“As I’ve indicated in a number of other articles, recent robust research has found no correlation between BDSM and pathology, and indeed the research that attempted to connect BDSM to trauma often had underlying deeply flawed and biased methodologies, such as cherry picking respondents and only using a small number of subjects (one study only had three).

For a distinct population however, BDSM may serve as both a healing and harm reduction approach to trauma and emotional pain. … Research shows that not only is BDSM not pathological, but it can also be used in a therapeutic sense, both in trauma healing and for some, as a harm reduction approach.”

Full article is here: “BDSM as Harm Reduction” Aaron, M., PhD. (2016, October 13)

Article: “The Thrilling, Messy Lives of New York’s Freelance Dominatrices”

I find most of this article problematic, but there is one part I did very much appreciate.

What I had issue with were that the examples they use of “freelance” (i.e. independent) Dominatrices are kind of odd, and ironically paint them (Us?) in an unprofessional light. The two Dommes they selected to represent New York’s independent were portrayed in a very unflattering way — one of which is running a Cyrano-de-Bergerac-esque operation. I can’t help but wonder if this was a ploy to draw business to houses by making independents look, well, “messy” —  and even dangerous.

The part I did like discusses the pathologization of kink:

The American Psychological Association defines a mental disorder as a “clinically significant behavior” associated with “present distress, disability, or a significant increased risk of suffering.” The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, a compendium of these disorders, is the text American psychologists use to diagnose patients.When the DSM was first published in 1952, it included “sexual deviation”—a category that included transvestism, pedophilia, homosexuality, fetishism, and sexual sadism. The second edition included masochism. The all-encompassing term was changed to the less-pejorative “paraphilias” in the third edition. When the fifth edition comes out in May, people who practice BDSM and feel distress about it will have a “paraphilic disorder.”This distresses the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, an advocacy group which considers DSM revision a “key project.” “We want to make sure that distress from society doesn’t mean a mental disorder,” says National Coalition of Sexual Freedom spokeswoman Susan Wright.

The DSM listed homosexuality as a sexual disorder until 1973, when extensive empirical evidence concluded that homosexuals performed no differently on psychological tests than their straight counterparts. Five different studies conducted on masochists since 1977 point to high functioning—measured by high educational level, income and occupational status—compared to the general population. Furthermore, other studies show there is no link between masochism and past abuse. Why should one atypical orientation be treated differently than another?

Charles Moser, a California researcher who asks exactly that, has emerged as the psychologist most active in advocating for BDSM’s removal from the manual. In an article co-authored with Peggy Kleinplatz this year, he wrote: “The situation of the Paraphilias at present parallels that of homosexuality in the early 1970s. Without the support or political astuteness of those who fought for the removal of homosexuality, the Paraphilias continue to be listed in the DSM.” No characteristic unifies paraphiliacs other than their sexual interests, he points out, just as no single trait is shared by all homosexuals besides same-sex attraction.

On the other hand, Richard Krueger, a Columbia University researcher who was part of the workgroup that authors the paraphilias section, is among those favoring retention. He cites people like Richard Benjamin who asphyxiate for sexual excitement: “There are people who hang themselves, and we felt universally that dying that way is very different from accidentally hanging yourself in the process of becoming sexually excited.” Indeed, a study conducted in 1972 found 50 people died each year in the United States from this practice. Thus the reasoning: Homosexuality isn’t innately dangerous; some forms of masochism are.

How dangerous is BDSM? “It is said that the most common reason for an emergency room visit in New York City on Sunday mornings is a hand laceration from cutting a bagel,” Moser says. “I can find essentially no emergency room visits related to S&M injuries in the professional literature. So if danger or injury is your criteria, then cutting a bagel is the sign of a mental disorder, and S&M is healthy.”

One thing Moser and Krueger agree on is the lack of studies on BDSM. Michael W. Wiederman’s 2003 article “Paraphilia and Fetishism,” which appeared in the Family Journal, argues that this lack of research could stem from the misconception that sexuality researchers study topics of personal relevance which makes them want to avoid taboo subjects. Meg Kaplan, a psychologist who also happens to be Krueger’s wife, says she frequently receives referrals from other doctors who are either unable or unwilling to discuss BDSM fantasies with clients.

“There’s very little money for studying typical sexual behavior, nevermind atypical sexual behavior,” Kaplan says.

[Source: http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/the-thrilling-messy-lives-of-new-yorks-freelance-dominatrices/274582/]

This Kind of Sex Can Create an Altered Mental State

Article: This Kind of Sex Can Create an Altered Mental State (Time.com)

Aside from the ad for the new 50 Shades movie at the top, I also have a criticism about:

“The researchers randomly assigned a person in each pair to the “top” role—the person who gives orders—or the “bottom” role, the one who follows them.”

This is a common error, as it conflates the role of top with Dominant and bottom with submissive. These often pair, but not always. Being a top does not inherently mean you are the Dominant (“person who gives orders”) and being the bottom does not always mean you are submissive (“the one who follows them”).

Bonus: a brief interview with Dr. Shirley Zussman, a 100-year-old sex therapist!

Human Nature

Society tends to view people like Me as things to be criminalized and eradicated. Likewise with others whose livelihood involves eroticism or sex. When people like them are faced with some aspect they do not like about themselves, such as an interest in being tied down and flogged, people like Me who joyously do these things (consensually, of course), become scapegoats for their repressed sexuality.

One reason why I do what I do is because I am genuinely passionate about people expressing who they really are. I am especially interested in matters of identity, sexuality (especially kink), and intimacy. All of which are conscious elements of how I approach and practice BDSM.

Sadly, our world attempts to define and control these things from the moment we are born. We are color-coded and assigned roles and expectations about how we dress, behave, have sex–and with whom. We are told what is okay and what is not. And when we don’t fit into those boxes and express our true nature, we are often shamed.

I don’t think most people fall neatly into “woman” or “man” or “straight” or “gay”. I don’t even think most people are strictly “vanilla”. Identity and sexuality are far more interesting and nuanced than what we are lead to believe. Challenging and experimenting with what we have been taught about them can be very exciting, gratifying, and liberating.

I am here to provide a safe space for you to explore these things that you may feel afraid to express. I am here to usher you into a new awareness of yourself.

What You Need to Know About “Forced Bi” (and Cuckolding and…)

“Forced bi” is a common fantasy, and men regularly ask for it, so I think it’s important to discuss what is involved in this type of scene before one decides to make it a reality. I’m doing this because I’m incredibly tired of going through the process and having the same conversation over and over, which often ends with the guy disappearing. Now, I’m going to point them to this article instead. If they come out alive, then I’ll know I’m dealing with someone who is as serious as I am.

If you don’t know, “forced bi” entails a Dominant woman “forcing” a man to erotically interact with another male. (I prefer to call it “forced homo” or “forced gay” to push My own homoerotic buttons.) Activities can include fondling, kissing, oral, anal, etc. The setting and motivation can vary.

Since cuckolding includes similar activities, what I’m going to say is also applicable for cuckolding scenarios. So it is useful for cucks, hotwives, and bulls to read as well. Or, really, anyone who wants to include intimate contact in their scenes.

Now, though it is popular, not all Dommes engage in this type of play, or if they do they may not allow all facets of it. There are a variety of reasons, some of which may be a personal lack of interest in this type of scene, legal concerns, or the number of flakes. That’s right: a lot of people ask for this play and when the Domme begins planning the scene, they suddenly go MIA. Whether they got cold feet, changed their mind, or had no real intention to play, there is a very high rate of people who don’t follow through.

As a result, when you ask for this type of session, you may be required to go through some extra checks to ensure you’re sincere. The Domme may ask for references, a deposit, a larger tribute, the entire tribute up-front, or something else that makes Her feel more secure. This is to gauge how serious you are. Because so many people are not serious, it is imperative that we weed those people out so we spend our time wisely.

Oh, you’re one of the serious ones? Hot.

The next thing you need to know is the Domme may not allow you to select who She is “forcing” you on. She may have one or more people that She works with for this type of scenario, and She may be the one who chooses who it will be. In that case, it is typical that the Domme will increase the tribute to cover the cost of the additional person’s time and work. In the event She is willing to let you specify, consider yourself very fortunate, but know it may come with additional requirements.

So, you have some very specific person in mind? Let’s say you’d like a guy who’s 6’4″, African American, 225lbs, muscular, smooth, and has a cock 8″ long. Well, I hate to tell you this, but there is no McStud drive-through window. We can’t just place an order off a menu for you; these people have to be found. Depending on your criteria, it may be very, very difficult to find your ideal. Now, if your Domme is amazing and willing to try to find your dreamboat, don’t be surprised or offended if She requires a finder’s fee. This fee may be commensurate with how much of Her time She invests or expects to invest in this search.

Why a finder’s fee? Your Domme is taking time out of Her day to help your fantasy come true. The time She’s spending trying to make your fantasy come true is time She’s not spending doing other work. And it is work. Don’t believe Me? Stop and think for a moment what you would do if you wanted to find your ideal and set this scenario up yourself. Where would you look? How would you contact people? Screen them? Maybe coordinate a time to meet them? Know you can trust them? It can take a lot of time, and there’s no guarantee that if the Domme finds this person they will actually be suitable for the scene. That’s another sometimes lengthy process.

Still with Me? Excellent.

The last thing you need to be aware of is the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). This is the part where the fantasy usually falls apart. Guys usually want to be forced onto bare cocks and it’s clear they haven’t thought it through. As soon as the details are discussed, the boner dies — possibly forever. As a former sexual health educator and counselor, I believe very a honest conversation about this is a mandatory part of ethical play. To allow people to remain ignorant or make decisions under the influence of a Boner High is pretty irresponsible.

If you didn’t know, all contact with other people’s bodies involves some kind of risk. Some things are more risky than others. Obviously, we work to mitigate this risk by introducing harm reduction efforts. We thoroughly clean anything that will come into contact with bodies, like furniture, equipment, and toys; and by introducing barriers, like gloves, condoms, chux, etc. If you remove any of these measures, you increase risk.

So, you want to suck or fuck a cock without a condom? Cool, but make sure you are very clear about what could happen when you do. It is especially crucial that those of you who are engaging in this type of play without the knowledge of your significant others know this before you put your partner at risk. I’ll skip My diatribe on honesty, but I will be blunt as hell in saying that if you recklessly catch an STI and pass it to your unknowing partner, possibly creating a life-changing situation for them, then you are a fucking shitbag of a human being.

What about getting tested? Getting tested is a fantastic idea — for everyone. There are lots of places around the country which provide free testing. Do a search for “free STI testing [your area]”. Just be aware that some clinics do not provide all available tests, so be sure to ask which are covered. And some tests don’t exist, such as one for HPV. If you still want to do this type of scene, don’t be afraid to ask your Domme about Her process: how She selects someone, screens them, how She cleans, what barriers She uses, etc. If She refuses to answer your questions or acts offended, I do not recommend doing this type of scene with Her.

Yep, this is all real shit, My sluts. This is why cleanliness is so important. And disclosure about one’s status.

Now, if you’ve completely lost your hard-on and think there is no way you can ever have your fantasy come true safely, that’s not so. If you take the right precautions, it’s possible to keep the risk very, very low. If everyone is careful, you can make it happen and stay safe.

If you’ve made it this far, bravo. I know discussing logistics can be pretty unsexy — but it’s a lot sexier than coming down with syphilis.

tl;dr: if you have this fantasy, great, but understand that if you really want it to come true, it will not happen with the wave of magic wand; it will take work. And if the Dominant is a professional, it may require compensating them, and possibly the other party, appropriately. It may also require some flexibility on your part. You may need to give up the Stud of your Dreams and let the Domme bring in the person She is already working with. Lastly, you need to be aware of risk and what you need to do to keep yourself (and possibly someone else) safe.

Take Care of Yourselves, courtesy of Mistress Michelle Lacy

I am re-posting this here with Mistress Michelle Lacy‘s permission. She said everything I could have said about why it is VITAL you share any and all health matters with your Dominant — but She said it better. Please read.

I recently gave a lecture on this at True Desires as Maitresse Renee has us give a lot of really helpful and educational classes to the slaves so they leave feeling more enriched. SO I decided to give a brief but I felt, important lecture on safety. No, nothing bad happened in her dungeon, I just have been around a long time and the horror stories I have seen and heard in general in the industry…. prevention people. Prevention.

I feel it’s becoming really important to stress as our world (especially our country) becomes more obese, unhealthy, and at risk for strokes.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.

If something bad happens to you, at your Mistress’s dungeon, she might have to call an ambulance. Hurt man in a dungeon? That becomes a news story. That ruins your life, and hers. People will think SHE hurt you somehow, now her business is ruined.
Think twice about keeping medical issues from your dominatrix.

Feeling faint? dizzy? On medications where that is a side effect? TELL YOUR DOMINATRIX. Don’t tell her you are FINE and she unties you, and you fall FACE FIRST onto the tile floor. While most of us are smart enough and skilled enough to read you, assist in taking you off of a piece of furniture, and make sure you cannot fall IN CASE you happen to be dizzy, or suddenly start to feel dizzy like all Pro Dommes SHOULD do, it also helps if when you DO feel dizzy, to tell us instead of playing the “tough guy” act and winding up hurt.

Serving a Mistress and in bad health? We have enough things to worry about in our lives. We don’t need to worry about the man who is supposed to bring us joy and make our lives easier, behaving unsafely and giving himself health problems that are easily preventable or worsening existing health issues. When you end up sick and in the hospital or worse, DEAD, your family members are not going to call your Mistress and tell her that you are in _____ Hospital on ______ road and to come and see you. They also won’t tell us that you have died. You simply disappear, leaving us freaking out, checking obituaries, unable to even attend your funeral and say goodbye.

Mistresses who have health issues….. you should not be playing with a sub where he is in inescapable bondage. FORBID you have a seizure, a stroke, collapse in some way and hit your head, this man is now tied up and in a bad way, his circulation might be limited (hands tied above his head, bondage in a certain spot might be a bit too tight) and now this poor man is screwed.

Subs, you should not be engaging in ANY PLAY that you are not healthy enough for and keeping that a secret from your Mistress.

Mistresses, it is a good idea to become CPR certified. It’s NOT time consuming or expensive. Even if it was….holy shit…. get CPR certified.

In certain cases, in certain legal climates, under certain circumstances, a pro domme can get her CHILDREN taken away from her if something bad happens to you due to your own negligence and law enforcement catches wind of it. While it isn’t smart to be a dominatrix where pro domination isn’t allowed especially with having children to lose, it’s not the point.

She can lose her vanilla career depending on what kind of job she has, if something happens to you, and it is somehow made public due to police turning it into a media circus.

Please play safe, and keep yourselves healthy.

So, for all of you who have spoken with Me about a session and wondered why I am so adamant about knowing if you have or have had any health problems — this is why!