Online Class: BDSM 101 – Foundations

BDSM 101: Foundations

Wednesday, August 12th 5pm
60 minutes
$20

This isn’t your average 101 class!

I will NOT be covering “this is what spanking is…and this is what a piece of rope is…” I will instead provide a rich and in-depth discussion of various concepts fundamental to BDSM but are often confusing and misunderstood. This will provide a rock-solid foundation for genuine understanding and improved play and for beginners and experienced players alike. Some concepts include:

  • Understanding the difference between BDSM and abuse
  • Dominant/submissive & Top/bottom: how they differ from one another and why they are commonly confused
  • What is fetishism and how does it affect me
  • “Topping from the bottom” is real but it has nothing to do with topping
  • Fantasy or Reality: why you need to know where you’re at

Length: 60 minutes
Cost : $20

To register please visit my classes page and click on the Buy Tickets link under the BDSM 101 class.

The event will be held on Crowdcast.

Study: Between pleasure and pain

Between pleasure and pain: a pilot study on the biological mechanisms associated with BDSM interactions in dominants and submissives

This research is the first study of some of the biological mechanisms of BDSM. It was conducted by the University of Antwerp in collaboration with Club 78, a BDSM club in Belgium. The paper will be published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. (Congrats, U of Antwerp!)

The aim of the study was to shed light upon the rewarding biological mechanisms associated with BDSM interactions.” … “we investigated how BDSM interactions affect blood-based biomarkers for stress (cortisol), pleasure (beta-endorphin, endocannabinoids AEA and 2-AG), sexuality (estrogen, testosterone) and attachment (oxytocin) in Dominants and submissives. “

[source]

Excerpt:

[Full research paper]

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Who Really Has The Power?

When speaking of power exchange relationships in BDSM, such as Dominance/submission (“D/s”), you may occasionally hear some people claim, “it’s the sub who truly holds the power.” Often this is followed with the assertion that submission is a “gift”. While there is truth to this, it’s not the whole truth.

The first error is the implication that power is held by one person: the sub. Just like outside of our kinky play, everyone has power. It’s just up to you whether you’re going to exercise it or give it up.

So, while the submissive does in fact hold power, so does the Dominant. Both roles involve having and expressing power. The sub can be controlled only as much as they allow and the Domme will control only as much as they are willing.

This is a symbiotic relationship. It’s characterized by interdependence. One is defined by the existence of the other.

In other words: while it’s true that without a sub the Domme has no one to control, it’s also true that without a Domme the sub has no one to be controlled by. They are both receiving benefits from — and giving “gifts” to — one another.

Article: Kinky Sex Could Be the Secret to Your Success

“Many successful visionaries throughout history, from artists to scientists and even politicians, have had well-documented kinks and fetishes that affected how they operated in their daily lives.

A wave of recent research has confirmed this: If it’s something you desire in the first place, kinky sex can benefit you not just in the bedroom, but outside of it as well. “Unconventional” sexual practices and fantasies, such as BDSM, group sex, or role play, have been shown to reduce psychological stress, improve mental health and can help with satisfying and communicative relationships. Kinky people have also been found to have higher self-worth than those who are too afraid or ashamed to pursue their fantasies

People who engage in BDSM and kink have been found to be happier, more conscientious and less neurotic than people who don’t engage in so-called “deviant” sex. “

More confirmation of what many of us have known all along: kink is healthy and has tangible benefits.

Full article here: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12231118/how-kinky-sex-leads-to-career-success/ (worth the read)

Interview with Coalition Radio

On Friday the 16th, I was interviewed by Pat of Coalition Radio. In the interview, I discuss the SESTA bill. I touch on various related issues, but focus on what I believe are the psychosocial origins of the legislation.

You can listen here:

(This is an hour-long interview. Those who have attention issues [raises hand] may find it more palatable to listen to it in smaller chunks.)

Meeting Heather

One of My favorite things about being a Dominatrix is offering a space for people to be themselves without fear of being judged. I believe feeling safe to be one’s self is essential to people’s well-being – emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. So, when people come to Me believing that I am someone who they can feel safe with, I feel deeply honored.

This month I had an especially gratifying experience offering a much needed safe space to an absolutely lovely femme, Heather. She had been repressing some fundamental aspects of herself, like many of us do at some point in our lives. But, after bringing her back from an impulse to cancel, which I believed was coming from fear and not a change of heart, she came to Me for her very first session with a Dominatrix.

Sometimes what I imagine a session might be like is not quite how it ends up being. This was one of those sessions. When I had her stand in front of Me, the bottled-up emotion was palpable. It only took the slightest touch and a few carefully chosen words to feel her tremble and sigh, “that feels incredible”. There was a lot in there that I sensed wanted out. I knew this session was not going to go as I planned.

I decided to scrap the bulk of what I had envisioned and use the Zen approach. The next two hours encompassed dressing, introspection, makeup, confessions, bondage,  discovery, spanking, and back again. The mood moved from casual, to sensual, to poignant, to very sexy. It was one of those sessions that leaves Me feeling especially energized and reminds Me that I’m doing important work.

The next day, I received this email:

Thank you very much for our conversation yesterday.

i loved my experience and will be reaching back to you

I sent you a “thank you” gift …

You brought out the real me  – and it felt good.

Thank you

Heather

Her generous gift came next:

MistressTissa_hFF

Thank you, Heather!! I was a delight meeting and playing with you!

Shaming Dominant Women Who Submit

There is a faction of men, and some women, who are very outspoken about their contempt for Dominant Women who enjoy submission. I have seen them stalk and harass such women, proclaiming, “She’s not a REAL Domme! She submits!” Aside from looking like a troll, there’s a clear lack of understanding about power exchange as it exists outside of their porn clips and fetish fantasies, as well as some possible double-standards and hidden misogyny. Let Me attempt to bring these people into the real world.

First of all, I want to say that I do not trust ANY Dominant — female, male, or otherwise — who claims to have never submitted and does not have an interest to do so. To Me, it’s a big ol’ red flag. It’s kinda like when you have a supervisor who has never done your job and has no interest in learning what you do, but they are happy to act like an authority about it and boss you around. Nobody likes these kind of people.

I believe that to be an effective and great Dominant, you need to experience submission. What does giving up power mean, how much are you willing to give, under what conditions are you able to let go, how do you feel and react when being given an order, what goes through your mind when you are pushed, and so on. This is important because having an experience as a submissive increases your empathy for submissives.

Likewise, to be a great top you need to understand what it means to bottom. If you want to use an implement on someone, you should know what it feels like to receive that implement (anatomical limitations aside). If you don’t understand the perspective of the person who is bottoming, your knowledge will be limited to what you can imagine their perspective being like. And, personally, despite My rich imagination, I can tell you that there really is no substitute for actually feeling a single tail yourself.

“But how can a woman say She’s Dominant but also be willing to submit? Dominant Women don’t submit! It’s against their nature! It invalidates Their Holy Dommliness!”

Here’s the reality: dominant men can kneel before Me, submit to My power for one, two, three or more hours, and at the conclusion of our scene, guess what? They get up off their knees and continue their lives as dominant men. Likewise, a Domme can relinquish control to another…and when She stops relinquishing that control, She’s still Dominant. People, like power, are things whose expression is multi-layered and dynamic.

One way power can be expressed is through an intrinsically “dominant” personality. You may have heard of “type A” personalities. These are dominant types. Their brain is wired in such a way that they are naturally take-charge people. They feel more comfortable in leadership roles, and being assertive and confrontational is usually easier for them.

Another way power is expressed is by making a conscious choice to express it in a given situation. If one makes a decision to take the advice of their doctor and have the surgery, this is actually an act of submission! However, agreeing to let someone else operate on you does not change your underlying personality — whether dominant, submissive, etc. — before, during, or after the procedure.

Also, like many men, women usually have requirements before they’ll agree to offer their submission. It might be only given during certain activities, definitely not during other activities, and there might even be conditions to “inspire” submission, without which they don’t feel the desire or ability to do so in the first place. Sometimes it’s a person’s sex or gender, sometimes their age or ethnicity, sometimes it’s physique or clothing, sometimes it’s money. I have heard several men tell Me that beauty inspires submission in them. Or height. Or intelligence. Or big tits. Or bitchiness. Or very high heels. Dommes who submit are pretty much guaranteed to have their own versions of these things. It’s all personal and valid.

If you’re asking yourself, “Why in the world would someone who is Dominant even feel a desire to submit in the first place? Isn’t that exactly what Dominant people don’t want to do?”  I think one reason why people feel this way is because they are, probably unconsciously, associating submission with weakness, humiliation, or because it’s a sign that someone is actually unable to effectively dominate. None of these are true.

Imagine a dominant male CEO who is responsible for leading his company and the people in it every flipping day. He’s very good at this, but it’s still a lot of pressure and it can wear a person out. Most people will want to find ways to manage the stress that is generated. We all tend to do this naturally; it’s part of our inclination to homeostasis. The more “on” and “in control” a person has to be in their lives, they more they might feel a need to do the opposite to find their equilibrium. (The inverse can be true for people in positions in which they lack power.) This is not weakness. It’s a function of emotional health. So, the CEO might find his equilibrium by going sailing, gambling at a casino, or visiting a Dominatrix.

It’s the same for a Domme. She might spend all week controlling Her subs’ every move; tying them down and doing all sorts of things to them “without their consent” and on the weekend think, “All these guys seemed so at peace afterward. I want to know what it’s like to be tied down and have things done to Me ‘against My will’. I want to take a break and give someone else the power to make the decisions.” And so, like the always-in-control CEO, She decides to release some pressure by situationally submitting to another.

The thing about this that shamers don’t seem to understand or care about is: the rope that ties Her down or the thing that does whatever to Her doesn’t magically change Her desire, ability, or wiring to be Dominant anymore than the CEO who gets on his knees and licks the bottom of My shiny black boots. These are just experiences people are having. It doesn’t fundamentally change who they are. (Well, it could have an effect on one’s consciousness and self-concept which can change over time, but that’s for another article.)

People also can submit just for fun. I mean, some of you do it for that reason, right? You’re not hardcore, “lifestyle” slaves, you just want to negotiate some activities and then let your Dominant make the decisions about what they look like for a couple hours. You enjoy the mystery, the suspense, even the “game”. It’s sexy. It’s a good time. Why would that be any different for a Domme?

Lastly, if a woman is really Dominant, She’s going to do whatever the hell She wants, anyway — whether someone thinks it’s okay or not. A person’s ignorance won’t change that, and any unexamined beliefs regarding women, dominance, submission, and how they relate to that person’s fantasies about those things are theirs to own and don’t necessarily have any bearing on reality. So stop shaming Dominant Women who submit.

 

More time with subP

I always look forward to My time with subP. Our scenes feel very much about exploring the heart of kink, rather than the fantasy of kink, if that makes sense.

Each phase is a warm interplay between our very complementary energies.

I confidently control and She confidently yields.

MistressTissa_justrelax

(One of our favorite ways to relax: tight bondage.)

I am always impressed by her level of trust because with each moan and sigh and “yes, Mistress”, I feel her genuine surrender to My will.

MistressTissa_openandexpose

(I cut her panties.)

Our three hours were over far too quickly. I felt like I could have gone another three.

She sent Me this the next day:

“The session You crafted was wonderful.  I so appreciate the care You showed and the way You took me places I have very rarely been.  I feel blessed to be permitted to serve You, a genuine Dominant Woman, a consummate professional and a truly nice person.  I will look forward to the next time I can see You.”

Thank you, subP!