Interview with Coalition Radio

On Friday the 16th, I was interviewed by Pat of Coalition Radio. In the interview, I discuss the SESTA bill. I touch on various related issues, but focus on what I believe are the psychosocial origins of the legislation.

You can listen here:

(This is an hour-long interview. Those who have attention issues [raises hand] may find it more palatable to listen to it in smaller chunks.)

Shaming Dominant Women Who Submit

There is a faction of men, and some women, who are very outspoken about their contempt for Dominant Women who enjoy submission. I have seen them stalk and harass such women, proclaiming, “She’s not a REAL Domme! She submits!” Aside from looking like a troll, there’s a clear lack of understanding about power exchange as it exists outside of their porn clips and fetish fantasies, as well as some possible double-standards and hidden misogyny. Let Me attempt to bring these people into the real world.

First of all, I want to say that I do not trust ANY Dominant — female, male, or otherwise — who claims to have never submitted and does not have an interest to do so. To Me, it’s a big ol’ red flag. It’s kinda like when you have a supervisor who has never done your job and has no interest in learning what you do, but they are happy to act like an authority about it and boss you around. Nobody likes these kind of people.

I believe that to be an effective and great Dominant, you need to experience submission. What does giving up power mean, how much are you willing to give, under what conditions are you able to let go, how do you feel and react when being given an order, what goes through your mind when you are pushed, and so on. This is important because having an experience as a submissive increases your empathy for submissives.

Likewise, to be a great top you need to understand what it means to bottom. If you want to use an implement on someone, you should know what it feels like to receive that implement (anatomical limitations aside). If you don’t understand the perspective of the person who is bottoming, your knowledge will be limited to what you can imagine their perspective being like. And, personally, despite My rich imagination, I can tell you that there really is no substitute for actually feeling a single tail yourself.

“But how can a woman say She’s Dominant but also be willing to submit? Dominant Women don’t submit! It’s against their nature! It invalidates Their Holy Dommliness!”

Here’s the reality: dominant men can kneel before Me, submit to My power for one, two, three or more hours, and at the conclusion of our scene, guess what? They get up off their knees and continue their lives as dominant men. Likewise, a Domme can relinquish control to another…and when She stops relinquishing that control, She’s still Dominant. People, like power, are things whose expression is multi-layered and dynamic.

One way power can be expressed is through an intrinsically “dominant” personality. You may have heard of “type A” personalities. These are dominant types. Their brain is wired in such a way that they are naturally take-charge people. They feel more comfortable in leadership roles, and being assertive and confrontational is usually easier for them.

Another way power is expressed is by making a conscious choice to express it in a given situation. If one makes a decision to take the advice of their doctor and have the surgery, this is actually an act of submission! However, agreeing to let someone else operate on you does not change your underlying personality — whether dominant, submissive, etc. — before, during, or after the procedure.

Also, like many men, women usually have requirements before they’ll agree to offer their submission. It might be only given during certain activities, definitely not during other activities, and there might even be conditions to “inspire” submission, without which they don’t feel the desire or ability to do so in the first place. Sometimes it’s a person’s sex or gender, sometimes their age or ethnicity, sometimes it’s physique or clothing, sometimes it’s money. I have heard several men tell Me that beauty inspires submission in them. Or height. Or intelligence. Or big tits. Or bitchiness. Or very high heels. Dommes who submit are pretty much guaranteed to have their own versions of these things. It’s all personal and valid.

If you’re asking yourself, “Why in the world would someone who is Dominant even feel a desire to submit in the first place? Isn’t that exactly what Dominant people don’t want to do?”  I think one reason why people feel this way is because they are, probably unconsciously, associating submission with weakness, humiliation, or because it’s a sign that someone is actually unable to effectively dominate. None of these are true.

Imagine a dominant male CEO who is responsible for leading his company and the people in it every flipping day. He’s very good at this, but it’s still a lot of pressure and it can wear a person out. Most people will want to find ways to manage the stress that is generated. We all tend to do this naturally; it’s part of our inclination to homeostasis. The more “on” and “in control” a person has to be in their lives, they more they might feel a need to do the opposite to find their equilibrium. (The inverse can be true for people in positions in which they lack power.) This is not weakness. It’s a function of emotional health. So, the CEO might find his equilibrium by going sailing, gambling at a casino, or visiting a Dominatrix.

It’s the same for a Domme. She might spend all week controlling Her subs’ every move; tying them down and doing all sorts of things to them “without their consent” and on the weekend think, “All these guys seemed so at peace afterward. I want to know what it’s like to be tied down and have things done to Me ‘against My will’. I want to take a break and give someone else the power to make the decisions.” And so, like the always-in-control CEO, She decides to release some pressure by situationally submitting to another.

The thing about this that shamers don’t seem to understand or care about is: the rope that ties Her down or the thing that does whatever to Her doesn’t magically change Her desire, ability, or wiring to be Dominant anymore than the CEO who gets on his knees and licks the bottom of My shiny black boots. These are just experiences people are having. It doesn’t fundamentally change who they are. (Well, it could have an effect on one’s consciousness and self-concept which can change over time, but that’s for another article.)

People also can submit just for fun. I mean, some of you do it for that reason, right? You’re not hardcore, “lifestyle” slaves, you just want to negotiate some activities and then let your Dominant make the decisions about what they look like for a couple hours. You enjoy the mystery, the suspense, even the “game”. It’s sexy. It’s a good time. Why would that be any different for a Domme?

Lastly, if a woman is really Dominant, She’s going to do whatever the hell She wants, anyway — whether someone thinks it’s okay or not. A person’s ignorance won’t change that, and any unexamined beliefs regarding women, dominance, submission, and how they relate to that person’s fantasies about those things are theirs to own and don’t necessarily have any bearing on reality. So stop shaming Dominant Women who submit.

 

All-inclusive Dominatrix

I WELCOME people of any:

Gender ♀♂⚧☿⚨⚭
Sexuality ⚢⚣⚤🔗🛐
Ethnicity/color 🖐🏽🖐🏿🖐🖐🏾🖐🏻
Religion 🕉✡☸☪️☯✝️☮⚛
Age (legal) 👧🏻👨🏿👵🏽👴
Body/ability 😇🤡😺👽👻♿

 

I have experience playing with people who are…

  • cis men, trans men, cis women, trans women, genderqueer, genderfluid, non-binary, gender non-confirming, etc.
  • hetero men, gay men, lesbians, bisexual, pansexual, queer, etc.
  • African American, Latinx, Arab, South American, African, Caucasian, Asian, etc.
  • Pagan, Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, Atheist, Jewish, Hindu, Taoist, etc
  • ages 18 to 79 (and everything between)
  • voluptuous, skinny, swimmer’s build, muscular, large, tall, short, depressed, anxious, personality “disordered”, autistic, bipolar, PTSD, etc.

I want everyone to feel that they’re safe to explore and express their identity and sexuality, regardless of whatever combination of the above they are!

Come as you are

Contrary to what some of you might believe, I do not want you to be someone other than who you are when you come to session with Me.

This means I do not want you to pretend to be:

  • a slave
  • a submissive
  • into the things you think I want you to be into
  • not into the things you are actually into

The truth is: I want you to be YOU. It is YOU who I am interested in exploring our mutual interests with, not some imagined person you think I want. I am not pretending for you and I don’t want you to pretend for Me either. (And chances are very good I will know you’re pretending, anyway.)

Now, because I am a genuine Dominant, I do especially enjoy scenes with people who are either genuinely submissive or enjoy choosing a submissive role in play, but if that’s not you, then don’t try to pretend to be that. If you are a bottom and/or a fetishist looking for a service top and not power exchange then be honest with yourself and clear about that when requesting and negotiating a session. Sometimes this means we won’t be compatible. I’m okay with that and you should be, too.

When you try to be someone you’re not, you’re lying to yourself. When you lie to yourself, you will in variably lie to Me. This will be awkward for the both of us. For one, I won’t be able to really connect with you. When that happens, it’s likely you will probably leave our session feeling “off”. You may feel confused, angry, unsettled, embarrassed, ashamed, quite possibly like you cheated yourself, and ultimately you are likely to feel unfulfilled. The end result is not Me being happy with you fulfilling what you think I want, the end result is both you and I not feeling good.

So, please, BE YOURSELF.

But, Mistress Tissa, what if I’m new and aren’t sure who I am and what I’m into?” Or maybe, “Mistress, I’m not new but have found my experiences not to quite live up to what I hoped. Why not?” I’m happy to help. I can offer ideas and guidance as you sort through your thoughts and feelings. I have an educational and professional background in psychology, I also have a natural aptitude for understanding people and getting to what’s going on underneath.

So, if you’re not sure if you’re actually a submissive or maybe you’re a fetishist (or both), or you aren’t sure if you actually want to be a cuckold or if it might be best left as a fantasy, or you keep feeling the same uncomfortable feelings after sessions, and you would like to some figuring this out, I offer intelligent, insightful, and compassionate coaching by phone.

If you’re interested in this and would like to request a time to speak with Me, please visit My coaching page and follow the directions.

(If you want to read some reviews people I’ve spoken with have written, please visit My NiteFlirt “Chat with Mistress Tissa” page and click on the number beneath the yellow stars.)

 

 

McKink not served here

Have you had an experience which feels like you’re just gone through a fast food drive-through window? “How may I dominate you today, sir?” Where you provided your order to a “Dominant” and She delivered it up blandly, predictably, and with a feeling like She’s just there for the paycheck? Almost as if you’re in on some kind of BDSM conveyor belt?

MistressTissa_NoMcKink.gif

Sorry, no “McKink” is practiced here!

My approach is more like fine dining: quality ingredients, artisanally crafted, and with great attention to our experience. I am an ethical person and have high standards and like what I do to reflect that. I not only prefer to be authentic, sincere, and conscious in My practice, I’m unhappy if I’m not.

All sessions are thoughtfully considered to reflect our mutual interests & develop from our unique energetic chemistry. While I may make loose plans for our time together, to ensure both our needs get met, I don’t enjoy scripts. (This is why scripted scenes are a limit for Me.) I prefer to let the moment dictate what best fits the space. What determines that is how I react to you and how you react to Me.

What do I mean when I talk about “conscious in My practice”? I like to think of what I do as “conscious kink”. This isn’t just about going through the motions, it’s about awareness and acting deliberately. While you can certainly approach kink as just a place to get an itch scratched, it can also have an underlying meaning, value, and a potential for growth, whether I’ve got you tied up, pinned to the ground, am humiliating you, and am testing your limits with My cane. My desire is that you leave Me better than when you came to Me, and sessions with Me will reflect that desire. “McKink” is just delivering a “cheap”, cookie-cutter product without any concern for any of this.

So, why settle for “fast food” when you can get more?

Article: “The Thrilling, Messy Lives of New York’s Freelance Dominatrices”

I find most of this article problematic, but there is one part I did very much appreciate.

What I had issue with were that the examples they use of “freelance” (i.e. independent) Dominatrices are kind of odd, and ironically paint them (Us?) in an unprofessional light. The two Dommes they selected to represent New York’s independent were portrayed in a very unflattering way — one of which is running a Cyrano-de-Bergerac-esque operation. I can’t help but wonder if this was a ploy to draw business to houses by making independents look, well, “messy” —  and even dangerous.

The part I did like discusses the pathologization of kink:

The American Psychological Association defines a mental disorder as a “clinically significant behavior” associated with “present distress, disability, or a significant increased risk of suffering.” The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, a compendium of these disorders, is the text American psychologists use to diagnose patients.When the DSM was first published in 1952, it included “sexual deviation”—a category that included transvestism, pedophilia, homosexuality, fetishism, and sexual sadism. The second edition included masochism. The all-encompassing term was changed to the less-pejorative “paraphilias” in the third edition. When the fifth edition comes out in May, people who practice BDSM and feel distress about it will have a “paraphilic disorder.”This distresses the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, an advocacy group which considers DSM revision a “key project.” “We want to make sure that distress from society doesn’t mean a mental disorder,” says National Coalition of Sexual Freedom spokeswoman Susan Wright.

The DSM listed homosexuality as a sexual disorder until 1973, when extensive empirical evidence concluded that homosexuals performed no differently on psychological tests than their straight counterparts. Five different studies conducted on masochists since 1977 point to high functioning—measured by high educational level, income and occupational status—compared to the general population. Furthermore, other studies show there is no link between masochism and past abuse. Why should one atypical orientation be treated differently than another?

Charles Moser, a California researcher who asks exactly that, has emerged as the psychologist most active in advocating for BDSM’s removal from the manual. In an article co-authored with Peggy Kleinplatz this year, he wrote: “The situation of the Paraphilias at present parallels that of homosexuality in the early 1970s. Without the support or political astuteness of those who fought for the removal of homosexuality, the Paraphilias continue to be listed in the DSM.” No characteristic unifies paraphiliacs other than their sexual interests, he points out, just as no single trait is shared by all homosexuals besides same-sex attraction.

On the other hand, Richard Krueger, a Columbia University researcher who was part of the workgroup that authors the paraphilias section, is among those favoring retention. He cites people like Richard Benjamin who asphyxiate for sexual excitement: “There are people who hang themselves, and we felt universally that dying that way is very different from accidentally hanging yourself in the process of becoming sexually excited.” Indeed, a study conducted in 1972 found 50 people died each year in the United States from this practice. Thus the reasoning: Homosexuality isn’t innately dangerous; some forms of masochism are.

How dangerous is BDSM? “It is said that the most common reason for an emergency room visit in New York City on Sunday mornings is a hand laceration from cutting a bagel,” Moser says. “I can find essentially no emergency room visits related to S&M injuries in the professional literature. So if danger or injury is your criteria, then cutting a bagel is the sign of a mental disorder, and S&M is healthy.”

One thing Moser and Krueger agree on is the lack of studies on BDSM. Michael W. Wiederman’s 2003 article “Paraphilia and Fetishism,” which appeared in the Family Journal, argues that this lack of research could stem from the misconception that sexuality researchers study topics of personal relevance which makes them want to avoid taboo subjects. Meg Kaplan, a psychologist who also happens to be Krueger’s wife, says she frequently receives referrals from other doctors who are either unable or unwilling to discuss BDSM fantasies with clients.

“There’s very little money for studying typical sexual behavior, nevermind atypical sexual behavior,” Kaplan says.

[Source: http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/the-thrilling-messy-lives-of-new-yorks-freelance-dominatrices/274582/]

Plagiarism

Dommes, I appreciate that some of you are reading My website and blog, and checking out My adverts, but please do not copy My words and ideas for on your own sites and adverts. Maybe you don’t think I notice. Or maybe you’re not sure what plagiarism is. Here’s a guide:

http://www.plagiarism.org/plagiarism-101/what-is-plagiarism

An example that people may not realize counts is taking someone’s sentence and/or idea and swapping the words. That’s still plagiarism.

I’m flattered that some — especially those who have been doing this professionally for far longer than I have — like My ideas and want to use them yourself, but not only is it unethical, it’s illegal. Please come up with your own content. Thank you.

What You Need to Know About “Forced Bi” (and Cuckolding and…)

“Forced bi” is a common fantasy, and men regularly ask for it, so I think it’s important to discuss what is involved in this type of scene before one decides to make it a reality. I’m doing this because I’m incredibly tired of going through the process and having the same conversation over and over, which often ends with the guy disappearing. Now, I’m going to point them to this article instead. If they come out alive, then I’ll know I’m dealing with someone who is as serious as I am.

If you don’t know, “forced bi” entails a Dominant woman “forcing” a man to erotically interact with another male. (I prefer to call it “forced homo” or “forced gay” to push My own homoerotic buttons.) Activities can include fondling, kissing, oral, anal, etc. The setting and motivation can vary.

Since cuckolding includes similar activities, what I’m going to say is also applicable for cuckolding scenarios. So it is useful for cucks, hotwives, and bulls to read as well. Or, really, anyone who wants to include intimate contact in their scenes.

Now, though it is popular, not all Dommes engage in this type of play, or if they do they may not allow all facets of it. There are a variety of reasons, some of which may be a personal lack of interest in this type of scene, legal concerns, or the number of flakes. That’s right: a lot of people ask for this play and when the Domme begins planning the scene, they suddenly go MIA. Whether they got cold feet, changed their mind, or had no real intention to play, there is a very high rate of people who don’t follow through.

As a result, when you ask for this type of session, you may be required to go through some extra checks to ensure you’re sincere. The Domme may ask for references, a deposit, a larger tribute, the entire tribute up-front, or something else that makes Her feel more secure. This is to gauge how serious you are. Because so many people are not serious, it is imperative that we weed those people out so we spend our time wisely.

Oh, you’re one of the serious ones? Hot.

The next thing you need to know is the Domme may not allow you to select who She is “forcing” you on. She may have one or more people that She works with for this type of scenario, and She may be the one who chooses who it will be. In that case, it is typical that the Domme will increase the tribute to cover the cost of the additional person’s time and work. In the event She is willing to let you specify, consider yourself very fortunate, but know it may come with additional requirements.

So, you have some very specific person in mind? Let’s say you’d like a guy who’s 6’4″, African American, 225lbs, muscular, smooth, and has a cock 8″ long. Well, I hate to tell you this, but there is no McStud drive-through window. We can’t just place an order off a menu for you; these people have to be found. Depending on your criteria, it may be very, very difficult to find your ideal. Now, if your Domme is amazing and willing to try to find your dreamboat, don’t be surprised or offended if She requires a finder’s fee. This fee may be commensurate with how much of Her time She invests or expects to invest in this search.

Why a finder’s fee? Your Domme is taking time out of Her day to help your fantasy come true. The time She’s spending trying to make your fantasy come true is time She’s not spending doing other work. And it is work. Don’t believe Me? Stop and think for a moment what you would do if you wanted to find your ideal and set this scenario up yourself. Where would you look? How would you contact people? Screen them? Maybe coordinate a time to meet them? Know you can trust them? It can take a lot of time, and there’s no guarantee that if the Domme finds this person they will actually be suitable for the scene. That’s another sometimes lengthy process.

Still with Me? Excellent.

The last thing you need to be aware of is the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). This is the part where the fantasy usually falls apart. Guys usually want to be forced onto bare cocks and it’s clear they haven’t thought it through. As soon as the details are discussed, the boner dies — possibly forever. As a former sexual health educator and counselor, I believe very a honest conversation about this is a mandatory part of ethical play. To allow people to remain ignorant or make decisions under the influence of a Boner High is pretty irresponsible.

If you didn’t know, all contact with other people’s bodies involves some kind of risk. Some things are more risky than others. Obviously, we work to mitigate this risk by introducing harm reduction efforts. We thoroughly clean anything that will come into contact with bodies, like furniture, equipment, and toys; and by introducing barriers, like gloves, condoms, chux, etc. If you remove any of these measures, you increase risk.

So, you want to suck or fuck a cock without a condom? Cool, but make sure you are very clear about what could happen when you do. It is especially crucial that those of you who are engaging in this type of play without the knowledge of your significant others know this before you put your partner at risk. I’ll skip My diatribe on honesty, but I will be blunt as hell in saying that if you recklessly catch an STI and pass it to your unknowing partner, possibly creating a life-changing situation for them, then you are a fucking shitbag of a human being.

What about getting tested? Getting tested is a fantastic idea — for everyone. There are lots of places around the country which provide free testing. Do a search for “free STI testing [your area]”. Just be aware that some clinics do not provide all available tests, so be sure to ask which are covered. And some tests don’t exist, such as one for HPV. If you still want to do this type of scene, don’t be afraid to ask your Domme about Her process: how She selects someone, screens them, how She cleans, what barriers She uses, etc. If She refuses to answer your questions or acts offended, I do not recommend doing this type of scene with Her.

Yep, this is all real shit, My sluts. This is why cleanliness is so important. And disclosure about one’s status.

Now, if you’ve completely lost your hard-on and think there is no way you can ever have your fantasy come true safely, that’s not so. If you take the right precautions, it’s possible to keep the risk very, very low. If everyone is careful, you can make it happen and stay safe.

If you’ve made it this far, bravo. I know discussing logistics can be pretty unsexy — but it’s a lot sexier than coming down with syphilis.

tl;dr: if you have this fantasy, great, but understand that if you really want it to come true, it will not happen with the wave of magic wand; it will take work. And if the Dominant is a professional, it may require compensating them, and possibly the other party, appropriately. It may also require some flexibility on your part. You may need to give up the Stud of your Dreams and let the Domme bring in the person She is already working with. Lastly, you need to be aware of risk and what you need to do to keep yourself (and possibly someone else) safe.

Beware of iFet.com

When iFet.com popped up, I noticed people flocking to it. It seemed like it might be a step up from other similar sites because, for one, they have a more attractive interface. However, being the cautious, not-so-easily-lead, and nonconformist type, I held back. So many people seem so quick to get listed on any new site without asking questions like:

  • Who runs this site?
  • Are they trustworthy?
  • Do they have good business practices?
  • What are they doing with the information I submit?
  • Is the information secure?
  • Could this be a scam?
  • Could My reputation be affected by listing Myself here?

Well, I read iFet.com’s Terms and Conditions and was very displeased to see that anything you transmit through their site — word, images, ideas — essentially becomes theirs to use in whatever way they see fit.

Here it is, taken directly from their site:

Personal Communications and License to Your Content – Right to Block or Remove Content

  • You acknowledge and agree that your communications with other Users or Members via emails, chats, conferences, bulletin boards, blogs, posts and any other publicly accessible avenues of communication through the Services are public and not private communications. Therefore, we strongly encourage you to use caution before disclosing any personal information about yourself in your public communications. We are not responsible for information that you choose to communicate to other users or members, or for the actions of other users or members, and you agree to indemnify us and hold us harmless from any losses, liabilities, damages or expenses you may incur due to such communications or actions. Except as provided in our Privacy Policy, once you post, send or otherwise make publicly available any Content through the Services (‘Personal Content’), you expressly grant us, and hereby represent that you have the right to grant us, a perpetual, irrevocable, world-wide, assignable, sub-licensable, and transferable right and license to quote, re-post, use, copy, reproduce, modify, create derivative works of, incorporate into other works, distribute, transmit, broadcast, communicate, publicly display, publicly perform and otherwise exploit such Content in any form or media, anywhere, and without any notice or compensation to you of any kind. You hereby grant us all consents, rights and clearances to enable us to use such Personal Content for such purposes. Personal Content may be searchable by, and you may be able to view and search Personal Content on, different websites (i.e., different URLs in the form of ‘co-brands’ or ‘private labels’) operated by us or our affiliated entities. Personal Content may also be searchable by third-party search engines, such as Google, Yahoo and Bing. [http://www.ifet.com/terms-of-service]

Yes, that’s right: When you use their site — including EMAILS and CHATS — it’s all considered PUBLIC information. Of this public information, they get to take anything they want in the form of a quote (or misquote), reproduction, modification (of your photos, for example), create a derivation or incorporate it into other works (imagine the possibilities…and profits), take and display or perform anywhere they choose, but they also get to sub-license it to any affiliate, PERPETUALLY AND IRREVOCABLY! (read: now and forever without you calling a do-over)

In short: ANYTHING YOU DO ON THIS SITE IS NO LONGER YOURS ONCE YOU DO IT — AND IF THEY MAKE MONEY OFF WHAT YOU’VE DONE, YOU DON’T GET ANY OF IT.

Why is anyone using this shady-ass site?? None of Us are really that desperate for yet another BDSM directory, are We?

And what about the pros who are careful about where they advertise or are known? Well, using iFet.com means that now you are ostensibly placing that power in their hands.

Another kicker? I happened to notice they had My logo on their links page. I did not authorize this. A “Bruce”, from the “admin team”, said he doesn’t know where they obtained it. Well, I do: it was stolen from My website. I know this because I have not used it anywhere else, and it’s not hotlinked; I turned that off.

Now, you may think, “But, Mistress Tissa, isn’t that a good thing? They want to help you by listing you on their site!” No. It’s a shitty, unprofessional, and illegal thing.

#1: It’s never OK to steal someone else’s content.

#2: Since one of My images is (was) on their site, does this mean they believe they are granted all the rights they claim above?

#3: The links (and listing) page is actually useless, and does not help Me or other professionals.

Truly, fellow professionals, it’s pure vanity. A huge page full of banners is nearly pointless. (As is the page which states when a Domme was added.) It only makes those who are easily-won-over feel like iFet.com has done something useful for you. It doesn’t really help people find you and book a session with you. I mean, do you really think people are going to sit there and comb through all those banners to find someone in their area? No. Just like someone isn’t going to look at hundreds of banners for restaurants all over the world when all they want to know is where they can eat in the Spokane, Washington area. Sure, people perusing the banners may get you a little exposure, but you can get that elsewhere without someone trying to steal and claim rights to everything you do on their site.

I hope that those who are currently using the site reconsider. Or, in the very least, demand they change their terms.

 

Professional BDSM & Confidentiality: It Goes Both Ways

Almost every client expresses some kind of concern about their privacy. Some people are very laid back about it and some people are very, very paranoid. I understand and respect the range of concerns and needs that exist. However, what some clients don’t understand is that We professionals share some of these same concerns.

Clients take it upon themselves to protect their interests in a variety of ways. Sometimes they use pseudonyms, create a free email account just for the purposes of pursuing BDSM and fetish play, use different phone numbers (perhaps getting a dedicated cell phone number they have not shared with anyone other than the Domme(s) they see), pay for deposits and tributes in cash or via gift card (so as to be untraceable), and more. All of this is done to afford themselves some privacy from those they don’t want knowing about their proclivities.

As a professional, I believe that one of My primary responsibilities is to uphold confidentiality for My clients. I take people’s trust in Me very seriously. Though My personal ethics are sometimes in conflict with My professional ones, because I am here as a professional, that is the place from which I make My ethical decisions.

I uphold the highest level of confidentiality I can by law. This means, if a spouse were to contact Me asking Me if I knew their husband or wife, I would tell them I can’t say anything about anyone I have sessioned with — ever. If another pro Domme asked Me for My client’s contact info (name, address, phone number, email), I would tell them I cannot release any information about anyone I see without the client’s permission — including inquiries for a reference.

However, there are three instances where I will break confidentiality. One is if a person is a potential harm to someone. For example, if a person harmed or threatened to harm a Domme or other individual, this person is pretty much guaranteed to be placed on professional BDSM watchlists/blacklists. We DO NOT play around with people who hurt other Dommes or make threats. Really, it’s better We don’t session with them anyway as some of Us have deep sadistic reserves that may show themselves when provoked. The second instance is if someone indicates they may be a harm to themselves. That is, if a client tells Me they are going to kill themselves, I am going to get them some help. Of course, I will do whatever I can to maintain the confidentiality of the nature of our relationship, but if I really think you might kill yourself, I am not going to ignore that — even if it might mean I have to explain to a crisis center’s staff that I’m your Dominatrix. The last instance is in some legal situations. In certain cases, I may be forced to disclose details about Our relationship or be faced with fines and jail. Which cases are those, you ask? Let’s say someone liked child pornography. And let’s say they got involved in a “ring”. And let’s say that person also came to Me for sessions. Now, if that person gets caught, and their computer is seized, it is likely that when law enforcement sees the emails I have exchanged with that person talking about “sessions”, they will contact Me asking for information. I will, of course, tell them I can’t disclose information; at which time they will likely get a subpoena. Then, I will be forced to break confidentiality.

Now, there is a flip side to this coin that it does not appear many people think about: Us professionals. We have concerns about and take measures to protect Our privacy, too. Given that the laws around these kind of activities vary across the country and the world, the wrong person knowing that someone is doing any of this can get them thrown in jail — and sometimes that “wrong person” can be someone you might think is harmless or an “ally”. Not just another potential client who is asking you for a Domme’s number, but another Domme Herself.

It’s really unfortunate but some professionals aren’t all that ethical, professional, and/or mentally stable. Some Dommes don’t understand how to conduct themselves like a professional (other than the getting paid part). Some Dommes don’t have personal ethical codes — let alone know what ethics even mean. Some Dommes have emotional problems and it’s not beneath them to retaliate against clients and other Dommes. If one such person gets a hold of another Domme’s phone number or physical location, it could end up with that Domme having her home taken away, fined, thrown in jail, and life ruined. Sounds dramatic, but it can — and has — happened.

Unless a Domme has made it explicitly clear that she consents to you sharing ANY of Her personal info — whether it’s Her email, Her phone number, (especially) Her address, or even Her neighborhood — do not share it with anyone.

So, please understand that when we agree to even speak to you about a session, We are extending a level of trust to you. And when We agree to actually see you? An even greater level of trust. When a Domme extends that trust to you, treat it with deep respect, as We (should) do when you extend it to Us. If a Domme does not have Her email address on Her website, don’t share it with anyone. If a Domme does not have Her phone number on Her website, keep it to yourself. If a Domme is independent and is willing to session with you in Her own home, WOW, you are one lucky slut! Treat Her location as something that should be known only to you  — even if you think sharing would be harmless. Unless a Domme has made it explicitly clear that she consents to you sharing ANY of Her personal info — whether it’s Her email, Her phone, (especially) Her address, or even Her neighborhood — do not share it with anyone. You may not only cause harm to Her, but you may fuck yourself over, too.

We Dommes have screening procedures for those who want to session with Us. This is to help Us and Our clients stay safe. (If a Domme doesn’t screen and/or is willing to take anyone, that tells you a little bit about Her values.) If you give out Our contact info, then you may have helped someone We may have not felt safe sessioning with have access to Us in ways We may not have let them had. You may actually put Us in danger. This is why it’s important to treat Us with the same discretion as We treat you. If someone wants to know how to email or call Us, or wants to know where We are located, direct them to Our website. They can get Our email, phone, or location there — if We have chosen to publish it. If not, it’s guaranteed to be for a very good reason.

Take a moment to really grasp the weight of what it means when these kinds of personal details are shared — with strangers! Think about the kind of trust W/we are giving to each other. Think about what can happen if W/we don’t honor that trust. Understand that for many of U/us, someone knowing even one little thing could profoundly affect someone’s life: loss of a relationship, a career, friends, a business, a home, children. We are ALL taking risks here, and we can only continue when respect for one another’s privacy is maintained.