Sharing Your Interests Versus Giving a Script

Periodically, when someone requests a session with Me they will give Me a detailed description of exactly how they expect Me to run it. I immediately feel objectified and angry. I feel like they don’t trust My knowledge, My skills, My reputation, and the unique qualities that make Me Me. They are ostensibly seeking a puppet in the show they have written. This is what I call “scripting”.

A script is any detailed instruction about dress, thought/feeling, and/or dialogue. Much like you’d see for a play or movie. It’s purpose is to tell the person how to embody and perform their role. If someone is an actor, for example, this is useful and necessary for them to understand their character, motivation, and the words needed to tell the story. However, not everyone is an “actor” and so these types of instructions are not always appropriate or welcome and therefore may be “off limits”.

In kink culture the term we use to describe something that is off limits is “hard limit”. A hard limit is a boundary that is not to be crossed. If someone says that being whipped with a single tail is a hard limit, guess what? I never whip them with a single tail. I don’t even ask if I can.

Scripts are a hard limit for Me. This means that scripts are a boundary not to be crossed. No, it is not OK to say, “I know you don’t like scripts, Mistress, but can I send one anyway?” A hard limit is a NO. I do not have any interest in someone — usually someone I do not know — telling Me precisely how they want Me to dress, think, and speak. This approach feels like you’re trying to Dominate Me. I’m here to offer My Domination to you, not be subjected to yours.

As a Dominatrix, My role is not to merely be an actor in our scene, My role is to direct it. You do not come to Me to tell Me how to dress, feel, and behave in the same way you do not ask an interior designer to decorate your house and then you tell them — in detail — the way you want each room to look.

Why is this a problem? When you come to Dominatrix (any erotic professional, really) and try to tell Her how to BE, you are ostensibly stripping Her of what makes Her HER in order for Her to be your fantasy of what you want Her to be. This is called “objectification”.

Now, that said,”objectification” is not necessarily a heinous thing. It can be harmless and fun. People commonly objectify others in their personal fantasies. If you’re just jacking off to some fantasy in your head, hey, that’s the privacy of your own mind, but as soon as you take it out of your head and want to turn it into an interaction, it needs to be consensual.

While there are some erotic professionals who are willing to allow a certain level of objectification and take “script”-like requests, such as embodying a fantasy person of your imagination or following a story-line you’ve created, make sure that the person welcomes this before you ask. Do not make assumptions. Do NOT make the mistake of thinking: Woman + erotic play = someone who will be my dress-up doll and I can mold into my plaything. Like Our clients, We have individual personalities, likes, dislikes, and strengths. When you select someone, the point is not just because you like the way She looks, but because She seems like the kind of person you want to have an experience with.

If you’re still confused, here are some examples of scripts:

Script_ex1

Another:

Script_ex2

For clarity, here’s a comparison:

Sharing a script: “Come through the door with a evil look on your face and then come over to me and slap Me in the face before you shove me to the ground and tell me that I’m your worthless dog.”

Sharing interests: “I like the idea of being your pet but being humiliated by you. Maybe punished because I’m not good enough for you.”

Is the difference clear?

In the first, the person is telling Me how to perform and directing Me. In the second, they are just telling Me what they like without telling Me how to do it.

Again, you don’t tell the interior designer how to design; that’s their job.

You don’t need to tell Me how to be a Dominatrix; that’s My job.

What You Need to Know About “Forced Bi” (and Cuckolding and…)

“Forced bi” is a common fantasy, and men regularly ask for it, so I think it’s important to discuss what is involved in this type of scene before one decides to make it a reality. I’m doing this because I’m incredibly tired of going through the process and having the same conversation over and over, which often ends with the guy disappearing. Now, I’m going to point them to this article instead. If they come out alive, then I’ll know I’m dealing with someone who is as serious as I am.

If you don’t know, “forced bi” entails a Dominant woman “forcing” a man to erotically interact with another male. (I prefer to call it “forced homo” or “forced gay” to push My own homoerotic buttons.) Activities can include fondling, kissing, oral, anal, etc. The setting and motivation can vary.

Since cuckolding includes similar activities, what I’m going to say is also applicable for cuckolding scenarios. So it is useful for cucks, hotwives, and bulls to read as well. Or, really, anyone who wants to include intimate contact in their scenes.

Now, though it is popular, not all Dommes engage in this type of play, or if they do they may not allow all facets of it. There are a variety of reasons, some of which may be a personal lack of interest in this type of scene, legal concerns, or the number of flakes. That’s right: a lot of people ask for this play and when the Domme begins planning the scene, they suddenly go MIA. Whether they got cold feet, changed their mind, or had no real intention to play, there is a very high rate of people who don’t follow through.

As a result, when you ask for this type of session, you may be required to go through some extra checks to ensure you’re sincere. The Domme may ask for references, a deposit, a larger tribute, the entire tribute up-front, or something else that makes Her feel more secure. This is to gauge how serious you are. Because so many people are not serious, it is imperative that we weed those people out so we spend our time wisely.

Oh, you’re one of the serious ones? Hot.

The next thing you need to know is the Domme may not allow you to select who She is “forcing” you on. She may have one or more people that She works with for this type of scenario, and She may be the one who chooses who it will be. In that case, it is typical that the Domme will increase the tribute to cover the cost of the additional person’s time and work. In the event She is willing to let you specify, consider yourself very fortunate, but know it may come with additional requirements.

So, you have some very specific person in mind? Let’s say you’d like a guy who’s 6’4″, African American, 225lbs, muscular, smooth, and has a cock 8″ long. Well, I hate to tell you this, but there is no McStud drive-through window. We can’t just place an order off a menu for you; these people have to be found. Depending on your criteria, it may be very, very difficult to find your ideal. Now, if your Domme is amazing and willing to try to find your dreamboat, don’t be surprised or offended if She requires a finder’s fee. This fee may be commensurate with how much of Her time She invests or expects to invest in this search.

Why a finder’s fee? Your Domme is taking time out of Her day to help your fantasy come true. The time She’s spending trying to make your fantasy come true is time She’s not spending doing other work. And it is work. Don’t believe Me? Stop and think for a moment what you would do if you wanted to find your ideal and set this scenario up yourself. Where would you look? How would you contact people? Screen them? Maybe coordinate a time to meet them? Know you can trust them? It can take a lot of time, and there’s no guarantee that if the Domme finds this person they will actually be suitable for the scene. That’s another sometimes lengthy process.

Still with Me? Excellent.

The last thing you need to be aware of is the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). This is the part where the fantasy usually falls apart. Guys usually want to be forced onto bare cocks and it’s clear they haven’t thought it through. As soon as the details are discussed, the boner dies — possibly forever. As a former sexual health educator and counselor, I believe very a honest conversation about this is a mandatory part of ethical play. To allow people to remain ignorant or make decisions under the influence of a Boner High is pretty irresponsible.

If you didn’t know, all contact with other people’s bodies involves some kind of risk. Some things are more risky than others. Obviously, we work to mitigate this risk by introducing harm reduction efforts. We thoroughly clean anything that will come into contact with bodies, like furniture, equipment, and toys; and by introducing barriers, like gloves, condoms, chux, etc. If you remove any of these measures, you increase risk.

So, you want to suck or fuck a cock without a condom? Cool, but make sure you are very clear about what could happen when you do. It is especially crucial that those of you who are engaging in this type of play without the knowledge of your significant others know this before you put your partner at risk. I’ll skip My diatribe on honesty, but I will be blunt as hell in saying that if you recklessly catch an STI and pass it to your unknowing partner, possibly creating a life-changing situation for them, then you are a fucking shitbag of a human being.

What about getting tested? Getting tested is a fantastic idea — for everyone. There are lots of places around the country which provide free testing. Do a search for “free STI testing [your area]”. Just be aware that some clinics do not provide all available tests, so be sure to ask which are covered. And some tests don’t exist, such as one for HPV. If you still want to do this type of scene, don’t be afraid to ask your Domme about Her process: how She selects someone, screens them, how She cleans, what barriers She uses, etc. If She refuses to answer your questions or acts offended, I do not recommend doing this type of scene with Her.

Yep, this is all real shit, My sluts. This is why cleanliness is so important. And disclosure about one’s status.

Now, if you’ve completely lost your hard-on and think there is no way you can ever have your fantasy come true safely, that’s not so. If you take the right precautions, it’s possible to keep the risk very, very low. If everyone is careful, you can make it happen and stay safe.

If you’ve made it this far, bravo. I know discussing logistics can be pretty unsexy — but it’s a lot sexier than coming down with syphilis.

tl;dr: if you have this fantasy, great, but understand that if you really want it to come true, it will not happen with the wave of magic wand; it will take work. And if the Dominant is a professional, it may require compensating them, and possibly the other party, appropriately. It may also require some flexibility on your part. You may need to give up the Stud of your Dreams and let the Domme bring in the person She is already working with. Lastly, you need to be aware of risk and what you need to do to keep yourself (and possibly someone else) safe.

Preparing For Play

So, you found a Domme, agreed upon the activities, scheduled the session, and here it is, the day you’re going to play. Now what? What should you do before you get there?

While we don’t always have complete control over how well a scene will go, we do have control over how we prepare ourselves for that scene.  That preparation can make a big difference in our experience, physically and emotionally.

Here are some things to do that will help you start your scene off on the right foot.

Take a shower just prior to the session. If you have to travel some distance to your Domme and you get sweaty, ask to freshen up when you arrive. Some of Us offer a shower if you need it. Personally, I appreciate this kind of conscientiousness, so you never have to feel embarrassed to ask. If you’re swift, I won’t count it against your session time. One area on which to especially focus: your behind. It doesn’t take long for an ass to get smelly from sitting. A smelly ass is not a pleasant ass. (I realize it may be your fetish, but, sorry, it’s not Mine.)

Brush your teeth and use mouthwash. Bad breath is the number one hygiene issue I encounter (a stinky ass is the second). While some of the more pungent odors can be a real mood breaker, it’s okay; it happens to us all. Just freshen your mouth before we play. Flossing is helpful, too, because it helps remove food trapped between your teeth which, if it sits there long enough will rot…and rot never smells good.

Use deodorant. Seems obvious, but sometimes people show up with stinky pits. I realize that some people do not like to use it, but please do. Personally, I find smelly pits super distracting. It also has an effect of my wanting to keep my distance from you. If you balk because you have a problem with antiperspirants — how it’s unnatural that they stop you from sweating (I get this) or because they make you break out or something else — you don’t have to wear them, in particular. You can use mineral salt deodorants, clay-based deodorants, or even just essential oils. While they won’t keep you from sweating (which is fine) they will make your pits smell nice and not repel your Domme.

Don’t wear any fragrances. Unless a Domme has specifically asked you to, it’s best to err on the side of omitting the cologne or perfume. This is because some of Us may get a headache, it gets on our gear — which can be difficult or impossible to remove (and perhaps expensive to replace) — and We may not want it competing with Our own lovely scent…which you should take in with gratitude.

Groom yourself. Nails and hair. If you’re going to be doing anal play and have a hairy asshole, try to trim or shave it down, if you can. If you’re going to be doing any suction/pumping, shaving or buzzing down the area that will be pumped (e.g. nipples, genitals) will facilitate a better seal. If you’ve never trimmed or shaved and would like help, ask your Domme! She may have experience with this sort of thing and be willing to work it into your session.

Rinse out your hiney. If you’re doing any anal play with your Domme, DO NOT neglect this area. “Rinsing” means “douching” or giving yourself an enema. This cleans you out so we don’t encounter any surprise nuggets. We usually don’t want to deal with any more shit than we have to as it can be very messy, stinky, and an increased health risk to us. It can also make a sexy scene turn very unsexy. So, please, give it a nice rinse. If you don’t know how to do this, go buy one from the drugstore (they’re very cheap), empty the solution from the container, and fill it with tepid water. Gently flush yourself out. Repeat until the water runs clear. Do this shortly before play. (Some Dommes are okay if you quick rinse when you arrive, just check with her.) If you need more detailed instructions, use a search engine for help. Again, if you’d like to incorporate this process into your session, check with your Domme to see if She offers enemas. Make sure to ask before the session. Because if She doesn’t and you’re not prepared, you may not end up getting what you’ve been looking forward to all week.

Assess your physical and emotional states. Is your back or knees bothering you today? Do you feel stressed or depressed or especially sensitive? If your Domme doesn’t ask about these things, tell Her if anything is “off”. I always check-in with people before we begin so I know if I need to take something into consideration before I beat your ass, fuck with your mind, or have you grovel at My feet.

Eat something and hydrate. Eating something light before a scene is a good idea. (If it’s too heavy you may end up feeling sluggish or sleepy.) Making sure you’re hydrated is important too. If you feel you need to have a drink or snack during the session, mention this to your Domme. If you’re a diabetic, check with her beforehand to make sure she has what you need, or you can bring it yourself and have it on standby.

Stretch. If you’re prone to stiffness or aches, or you might be getting into awkward or sustained positions, do a little stretching beforehand. It helps with bloodflow and reduces the chance of injury.

And lastly…

Relax and enjoy yourself! The more relaxed and receptive you are to the experience, the more your Domme can focus on the scene, which increases the likelihood you will both have a great time.

💡 Tip: you can always bring travel-sized items with you and do a little prep before the scene. Some of My clients have done this and it works well. Or you’re welcome to use some of Mine. I have soap, shampoo, floss, mouthwash, and clean towels available along with a clean, modern shower.