Femme Exploration

If you’re a man who is interested in exploring your “feminine” or “femme” side you may feel embarrassed or ashamed. Though it’s common to feel this way, you don’t have to. You can release the fear or shame you carry about exploring yourself as a whole human being.

Why do you feel so embarrassed or ashamed? One reason stems from the way men are socialized. Men are taught to believe that comparisons to women — whether in the tone or cadence of their voice, body shape, clothing preference, or mannerisms —  are emasculating and ultimately an indicator of their lack of authenticity and value as a man and person. In short: if you are in any way like a woman, you are defective; you aren’t “man enough”.

I’m here to tell you: none of it is true. You have been lied to.

You may feel that the entirety of the construct of “male” doesn’t apply to you. Or maybe just some of it. You may feel that you’d prefer to act or dress differently. Even if only on special occasions. You might want to have different interests and hobbies. Express your emotions freely. But you feel trapped by the expectation that’s been created for you.

Know this: the template that men are assigned to is only someone’s idea about who they think you should be. And it is likely in some way rooted in their need to control the existence of others to compensate for the fears they have about their own. The great news? You don’t need to let someone else’s fears become yours too and rule your life.

So you think you’d like to explore your femme self but you have some apprehensions. You don’t know where to start. You’re afraid you might be judged. You feel like you might not relate to what you see other men do, so you think that maybe it’s not your thing.

If you would like to explore these parts of yourself with someone you can feel safe with, I welcome you. You are free to be who you are without fear that you will be mocked or judged. In fact, I explicitly state under femme/feminization on my interests page that, unlike the typical approach to “feminization”, I don’t do any femme play as a form of humiliation. Aside from my not seeing femme as anything to be degraded for, but as one way of being beautiful and sexy, I find it antithetical to Female Dominance.

I’m highly competent with this idea we call “gender” and the way in which it can be expressed. I have spent a lot of time both working with people who have unconventional ideas about their gender or don’t feel the identity they’ve been assigned applies to them, to having done a lot of thinking about the phenomenological and epistemological aspects of identity, including gender and sexuality, and how I personally feel about and relate to them.

My awareness extends from the commonly-understood constructs of “male”, “female”, “masculine”, “feminine”, “androgynous”, etc.; to the fusion of seemingly contradictory concepts like “boydyke” or “girlfag”; to gender not actually being a real thing.

If you see how others express their “feminine” or “femme” selves and you feel alienated, it’s important to know that “femme” is a range of expression. It doesn’t have to be done in stereotypical ways or with hyperfeminine clothing, as is commonly depicted in BDSM.

This means it doesn’t have to be:

  • You assuming a female persona. That is: men can wear lingerie, be sexy, be slutty, and NOT have to become “women” to do it. You can retain your identity as a male person and wear panties, stockings, bra, makeup, eyelashes, heels, etc. (Though it’s okay if you do want to be your “female” self.)
  • Include anything pink. Love red? White? Black? Blue? Gold? Your expression of femme can be any color you like.
  • Include anything frilly, lacey, with ribbons, or otherwise “cutesy”. This is what I mean by “hyperfeminine”. It sort of like taking stereotypically girly things and turning it up to 13. The effect is you looking like a doll or child or wedding cake. Again, if you genuinely like this, wonderful, but it’s not necessarily what femme looks or feels like to everyone. (In fact, it doesn’t for the vast majority of femme/female-identified people.)
  • A “full transformation”. Though some people want to spend hours transforming their appearance from head to toe, others just want to put on lipstick or panties or heels.

Here’s some images that depict a range of femme expression by men (or at least people who were likely assigned male at birth):

Expressing yourself in a femme way also doesn’t mean:

  • You’re confused about your identity as a man
  • You’re a “sissy”
  • You’re really a woman
  • You’re gay (panties or heels don’t make you gay, they make you pretty)
  • You’re “weak”
  • You deserve ridicule

How you explore your femme side can be as lighthearted or as deep as you want it to be. It can be the entire focus of our session or it can be almost a “non-issue”, like your hair or eye color. This means your femme expression can range from highly eroticized (you sexy slut in your pretty panties and garter belt) to devoid of intentional eroticism (you’re wearing panties, sure, but this is really about me tying you down until you can’t move a muscle).

Whatever feels good, I’d love to facilitate an experience for you!

MistressTissa_PBPanties

Pretty Boys and Sweet Sissies

I know you might feel shy. Embarrassed. Maybe even a little silly.

I assure you that you need not.

I know who you are…or who you’re hiding…or who you want to become.

You disrobe for Me.

I move closer to you and present you with a pair of silky smooth stockings or fishnets….

You pull them up, against your skin…

They feel soooo good.

Then, sexy panties glide up and gently nestle your most vulnerable parts.

I slide a pretty garter belt atop your hips…and we attach your stockings together…

MistressTissa_SexyBoy

Would you like that? Would you like to be pretty for me? Would you like to look sexy for your Mistress?

Do you ache to be My pretty boy? My sweet sissy? My plaything? My slut?

Does it make your cock or clitty throb to know you’re pleasing your Mistress?

Get on your knees, My sweet sexy toy, and…

Openthoselips

Good boy…good girl…good slut.

My Fetishes V: Smoking

I have a fetish for smoking, also called “capnolagnia“. (Not to be confused with coprolagnia, which is the fetish for feces.) I have had this fetish for a long time. Possibly since I was a child, though I didn’t first try a cigarette until I was a teenager.

I remember seeing this photo of Madonna when I was in high school and being very drawn to it. I found it and Her so incredibly sexy. I saw Myself in Her. This blend of feminine and masculine energy. Maybe a bit of the Leather Daddy, too. 😉

Madonna_smoking

(photo: Herb Ritts)

So why don’t I offer smoking play?

I stopped smoking! (My last cigarette was in November of 2011.)

At that time, it felt like something I wanted to do. I had smoked on and off for 18 years and My body would let Me know it wasn’t happy by getting sick. A doctor told Me I was a prime candidate for more serious problems. I already knew this.

For the most part, I really enjoyed it, though.

…positioning one between two fingers, bringing it to slightly parted lips, the flick of the match or lighter while pulling in that first drag, a French inhale (so sexy), then rings, a perfect accompaniment to coffee and conversation…

I do miss that. But My body is happier without them.

I have considered vaping in sessions, but I’m not sure it would have the same effect. Also, from what I’ve read, they are not any less safe — if not worse.

If only someone would make a safe cigarette…

All-inclusive Dominatrix

I WELCOME people of any:

Gender ♀♂⚧☿⚨⚭
Sexuality ⚢⚣⚤🔗🛐
Ethnicity/color 🖐🏽🖐🏿🖐🖐🏾🖐🏻
Religion 🕉✡☸☪️☯✝️☮⚛
Age (legal) 👧🏻👨🏿👵🏽👴
Body/ability 😇🤡😺👽👻♿

I have experience playing with people who are…

  • cis men, trans men, cis women, trans women, genderqueer, genderfluid, non-binary, gender non-confirming, etc.
  • hetero men, gay men, lesbians, bisexual, pansexual, queer, etc.
  • African American, Latinx, Arab, South American, African, Caucasian, Asian, etc.
  • Pagan, Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, Atheist, Jewish, Hindu
  • ages 18 to 79 (and everything between)
  • voluptuous, skinny, swimmer’s build, muscular, large, tall, short, depressed, anxious, personality “disordered”, autistic, bipolar, PTSD, etc.

You can feel safe exploring and expressing your identity and sexuality, regardless of whatever combination of the above you are.

Why I don’t do “feminization” as a form of humiliation

Many Dommes indicate “feminization” as an activity they offer. It’s popular. A lot of men are interested in it. Usually it’s cis men, but I have known trans men who enjoy it. Also, usually straight men, but sometimes queer, bi, or gay men, too. (I’m not talking about trans women. Trans women are women, not “men in dresses”.)

I enjoy and happily offer it to anyone who is interested. However, I don’t like to call it “feminization”, I prefer to call it “femme”*. Cultural implications aside, it sounds more elegant and, well, sexier.

Now, what I’ve noticed and find interesting about “feminization” is that it is usually fetishized and framed as an expression of humiliation.

Exactly how is it humiliating to be put in “women’s” clothing or lingerie?

If this were MaleDom I could understand this type of play, but FemDom? It makes no sense.

Why it’s even thought of as humiliating in the first place is because men are taught to feel emasculated by comparisons to women. So, if you dress like one? Well, shame on you. You’re not a real man; you’re a “sissy” and a “faggot”.

While I understand how this is erotic for some people, the basis for it is rooted in misogyny (and homophobia). You can’t be shamed for wearing something assigned to women unless there is something shameful about being a woman. So, when Dommes do this type of play, who are almost always femme themselves, it’s ironic.

Iggy_NoShame

(Photo: Mikael Jansson. Graphic: Have a Gay Day, Facebook group.)

If a submissive tells Me they like to be humiliated, I ask them in what ways. If they say they like to be “feminized”, I tell them I’m not the Domme for them. I don’t even want to PRETEND I think it’s humiliating. Why would I when it’s how I love to dress Myself? It seems that if I went along with even the fantasy that putting a man in “women’s” clothing is embarrassing or damaging I would be insulting Myself in the process. That doesn’t seem very Dominant to Me.

Why do I do it, then? Because putting men in beautiful panties, garter belts, stockings, heels, sexy dresses, and makeup is fun and sexy. I like to do it because I find it genuinely enjoyable. Why should only women enjoy silky or lacy lingerie?

Also, I love blending butch and femme together. Like the sexy Pavel Petel below:

leatherdaddyinlingerie

(https://pavel-petel.tumblr.com/)

So, if you come to Me and want to do femme play, My goal is to to offer a space in which you can be yourself, explore or develop your femme and/or feminine side, feel sexy, be treated like a “woman” (if that’s what you want to experience), and most of all to feel good and have fun — not to try to embarrass you for it.

*“Femme”, for those who don’t know, is a concept that originates from queer communities and its intent is to respect “gender” variance. It’s complement is “butch”. Unlike heteronormative culture, these terms acknowledge that people can have particular bodies and sexual identities and also have a so-called “non-congruent” gender presentation. This means you can have a penis, identify as a male, and be “femme”. Likewise, you have a vagina, identify as female, and be “butch”. This doesn’t inherently say anything about your sexuality. Anyone can be “femme”, “butch”, a combination of both, and/or something else. Using “femme” instead of “feminization”, for me, acknowledges this cultural value and separates the activity from its misogynistic associations.