A Bit About Anal Play

This article is for those who are curious about anal play: how to try it…or what to do if it didn’t live up to your fantasies.

I’m a big ol’ anal top and have been taunting, training, and taking butts for almost 15 years now. Little butts, big butts, virgin butts, hungry-hungry-hippo butts. It’s one of my favorite things*. Butt, alass, this is not the case for all.

Sometimes when someone volunteers a little bit about why they dislike it, such as “I didn’t enjoy it because it hurt” or “I tried it once…wasn’t sexy”, I will ask if they don’t mind me inquiring further about their experience (for my own research purposes). What I usually discover is that they either tried it themselves and didn’t know what they were doing or they were introduced to it by a girlfriend or Domme who didn’t know what she was doing. It makes me sad because one bad experience — or even one less-than-hot experience — can sour people to the point of never wanting to try it again.

The reason why this happens is because people don’t bother educating themselves about how it works, what to do, and what not to do. They think it’s as simple as Put Thing In Hole. They don’t consider how their body might react or how it needs to adapt. Then, because they don’t know these things, they make assumptions and end up writing the whole thing off.

There is a common misconception that your first experience will look like what you see in porn. You know, that hot FemDom clip where she’s ramming a huge cock in his ass and he’s moaning in bliss. You swoon, “Ohmygoddess, I would do anything to be fucked like that!” I hate to break it to you, my slut, but that will not be anywhere close to what your first experience will be like. That is what may happen if you spend some quality time training your ass.

The reality is that your first experience putting something past your anus and into your rectum may feel unpleasant. Maybe even a little painful. You may feel like you suddenly have to shit. Which is the opposite of what you were expecting to feel. And is it at this point that some people decide they hate it. Because “this is supposed to feel as good as that FemDom clip looks!” and it doesn’t so horniness turns into bitter disappointment and the dildo goes into the dark drawer, never to be seen again.

Well, I say: give it another try. But let me help you get started on the right path.

If you want to experience what it would be like to be fucked like the gasping, whimpering, writhing-in-ecstasy bottom in the clip, start by exploring your own ass. Look at it in the mirror.  Touch it. Touch the area around it. Pay attention to how it feels when you lube up your finger and just slide it around your anus. Be gentle. You want to make friends with your budding cockhole.

Once you’re comfortable you can get ready to slide something in.

If you’re not sure where to look for the right toys there are plenty of guides online. (I may just write one myself.) Without a little help, people may end up getting something that’s not suitable for them. This can be because you feel like a kid in a candy store and you just buy whatever looks like it would feel good in your ass. It also can mean you may unknowingly buy something that shouldn’t actually be touching your private parts. See, the sex toy industry is not regulated and so they’re pretty much free to use all sorts of toxic materials to make the things you are rubbing back and forth against your delicate insides. Some of these compounds can be absorbed by your tissue and some of them are linked to things like endocrine disruption, birth defects, and cancer.

Another issue that can confuse consumers is that you can’t trust that a manufacturer actually knows what the hell they’re making. It’s true. Some of them clearly haven’t ever done the activity they are making products for. (I’m looking at you, Random China Brand Often Found In Places Like Amazon, eBay, or Alibaba.) Take for example this plug:

MistressTissa_wtfintroplug

Notice the way it’s marketed: “Perfect size for intro anal play”.

Hunty, this is in no way an “intro” plug — unless you are an elephant. This plug has a circumference of 6.5″. You know what else has a circumference of 6.5″? My vitamin bottle. No beginner should be trying to put a vitamin bottle in their ass.

Here’s a comparison of the above plug with a plug that is actually more suitable for introductory play:

MistressTissa_PlugCompariso

When you’re ready to try putting something in, start with something small. Like a finger. The actual beginner plug on the left is like a finger. A meaty, manly finger that will probe your wet, hungr–oh, sorry. I got carried away.

If you’re using a toy, and it’s not a body-safe material like silicone, glass, or medical-grade stainless steel, be sure to slide a condom on it. (We don’t want sexy time to later turn into anal cancer time.) If you don’t have a toy, or a meaty, manly finger, use your own finger. If a finger still feels too big, use something with an even smaller diameter. This could be a pen, wood dowel (make sure it’s not a wood that will easily snap in half), or anything else that doesn’t have sharp edges that can hurt you. And, of course, put a condom on it, too.

If you’re concerned about the possibility of getting a little poo on your hand, put a glove on. Or, if you want to be sure that there will definitely not be any poo on your hand — glove or not — you can get one of those cheap enema kits (like Fleet), empty the contents, fill with lukewarm water, and gently rinse yourself out until you’re clear.

Once you’re ready, lube it up.

Lay on your back and slowly slide the toy or finger in. Not very far; just the tip. Just enough to get your anus familiar with the sensation of something going in instead of coming out. Breathe and relax while you’re doing this.

Once that feels okay, you can slide it in a little further. If it doesn’t, either just sit there and wait to see if the discomfort passes or, if it doesn’t, take it out. Wait a few moments and try again. Then breathe and relax. Repeat. Until you have it where you want it.

If it feels uncomfortable, focus on relaxing that area. If it still feels uncomfortable, you can stroke or use a vibe on your cock or clit and see if that helps. If not, you can stop and try again another time.

Keep in mind that it can take several tries to feel any pleasure. And for some it never seems to feel pleasurable. That’s okay. You can do something else. Maybe come back to it next month or next year. Or never. Whatever you want.

Dicks. Lots of dicks.

For those who do find the right feel and are ready to move on, you can size up, if that is your goal.

Again: always use condoms on unsafe or unknown materials and always with a lot of lube.

Once you get to where you feel like you can take a dildo, start slowly there, too. No matter how eager you are to be your Mistress’s dirty, dirty slut, don’t force anything. You can injure yourself, which can be very painful, and possibly lose some of the progress you’ve made as your body heals.

Now, for those who want to ask a professional Domme for anal play…

*Please be aware that some Dommes don’t openly offer it. The reason is laws can make it a risky endeavor. This is because, depending on your jurisdiction or which judge’s courtroom you may unfortunately end up in, anal penetration within a professional practice could be — and in some cases definitely is — construed as “prostitution”. Therefore, to be safe, some Dommes, like myself, do not advertise it.

You can mention that you find anal play interesting. (Unless she indicates it’s a hard limit.) You can tell her what your experience level is. Just be prepared that the negotiation process may be slightly different than other activities, if she is willing to negotiate it at all — especially if you have no references. Just be patient and follow her lead.

Once you do get to the point of making that dream come true, be sure to rinse that hiney out. Practice beforehand until you’re good at it. Then make sure you do it before you arrive for the session so there aren’t any surprises. Then, relax and enjoy every minute of it!

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BDSM and the Law

This is not an easy job. Not just because of everything you have to learn or acquire or manage, but because of the mores of the society in which we live and how they have affected the creation of laws and the enforcement of those laws. It’s a consideration that those of us on the providing end think about regularly — if not daily.

Offering BDSM/kink professionally involves navigating some choppy waters. While many of us have been doing what we do without incident for years — if not decades — there have been some arrests, prosecutions, and lawsuits relating to the practice of BDSM. This can create what is called “precedent”, or a court decision used as an example or authority to help resolve subsequent cases which are similar in nature. Though rulings in our favor can offer potential help, they can only help if they’re out there. And I don’t think there’s a lot of precedent out there.

While we tend to live in what one kink-friendly attorney called, “a culture of tolerance”, which means that while some things may technically not be deemed “permissible”, the laws around them are not really enforced. As a result, the unpredictability of this, mixed with a lack of precedent, means these waters are uncharted. So, if you want to explore these waters, it behooves you to understand what you might find in them.

People may not be aware of this but offering BDSM professionally is actually illegal in some places. New Jersey is one of them*. This means that someone could conceivably be arrested for offering to tie you down and spank you for payment. (Wild, huh?) It means that advertising yourself as offering or looking for pro play would be a violation of the law.

In other places professional BDSM itself isn’t illegal but certain activities might be. Do you have a fetish for strap-on play (aka “pegging”) or forced “cock” sucking? Or do you have a fantasy of being Dominated by more than one person or being in a “forced bi” scene? That’s hot and all, but in some jurisdictions those things could be construed as “prostitution” or “pimping”, respectively.

“Is this truly risky?”, you may ask. This is the nature of uncharted waters. We don’t always know the level of risk we’re taking. It’s dependent on various factors — some which we have control over and some that we don’t.

This is one reason why you may see differences in how Dommes advertise themselves. Some don’t advertise at all or don’t talk about what they do or don’t discuss payment. This can be because it’s beyond Her comfort zone to be so open, whether it’s for privacy reasons or legal ones.

If you’re thinking, “If this is true, then why have I seen Dommes offer all these things?” Sometimes it’s because the Domme honestly doesn’t care and is willing to assume the risk, in other cases She doesn’t know the law and the risk She’s taking.

Whatever the reason for the Domme, it’s in your best interest to learn the law in the area in which you play. This does not mean you have to give up on your kinky dreams. It just means you should be wise and pursue your passions carefully.

So, before sending a message to a Domme and asking, “Can you fuck me in the ass?” or “Can you pimp me out to your other clients?”, know that it may be met with silence and ruin your chances of sessioning with Her. You may need to prove yourself trustworthy before some of these things are discussed — if they ever will be at all.

*In statute 34:1, it defines “prostitution” as including “sadistic or masochistic abuse and other deviate sexual relations.”

The others states in which their prostitution statutes specifically includes sadomasochistic abuse or some variant as a “sexual act” or “sexual contact”:

Arizona
Hawaii
Louisiana
Maryland
DC

States in which toilet play (urine and/or feces) is included in the statute about prostitution:

New Hampshire
North Carolina
North Dakota

States in which the definition of “touching genitals” and/or “masturbation” could include CBT:

Oklahoma
Rhode Island
South Dakota
Texas
Washington

States in which there are extremely broad definitions which include anything designed for “sexual gratification” or that which is “lewd” and “lascivious”:

Delaware
Oklahoma

State in which a live BDSM show is considered illegal due to “indecency”:

Oregon

State in which “basic dominance and submission” are specifically EXCLUDED from the prostitution statute:

New York

This is not a complete list of all statues and it doesn’t qualify as a substitute for legal advice from an attorney.

(Credit to attorney Steven Sandler for the source I’m citing.)

If you want to better understand the law, I recommend starting at the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s (NCSF) write up. You can also check their legal resources tag.

If you’re outside the US, you can start on the BDSM and the law Wiki page which mentions the law in other countries. (You probably want to verify the sources, though.)

After that, I advise you to contact an attorney in your area. The type of attorney who is most-likely to be able to answer questions about this are criminal defense attorneys.

NCSF’s website also has a searchable database of kink-aware professionals, which includes lawyers. (Be sure you select at least a country or you will get zero results.) Please note that not every kink-aware professional in listed in this directory; only those who have submitted a request to be listed.

Interview about SESTA with Swedish Radio

I was interviewed by Olivia Wikström from Swedish Radio about SESTA.

The clip is here: Mistress Tissa on Swedish Radio

Here’s the translation of the text on the site (not the full transcript):

The new US law SESTA punishes sites if someone is exposed to trafficking there. But many sex workers believe the law will fail.

SESTA, the Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act, is a new law in the United States that wants to deal with online trafficking by making the sites themselves responsible for their presence. So now people behind sites can be punished with large fines or imprisonment if it is discovered.

This raises concern with sex workers, partly because it can limit what we can say about sex online, because no one will dare let it be there. In part, they mean that the law forces an exposed group in an even more vulnerable situation.

Removing these platforms will increase the proportion of people taking risky decisions about their jobs.

Mistress Tissa, dominatrix

With the help of the network, those who work with sex and eroticism can volunteer do more research on their clients and not expose themselves to the same risk as walking the streets.”

 

 

Site updates

  • Added a gallery! The photos currently included have either been posted on My site, FetLife, or here at some point, but now they’re all in one place. Well, most of them.
  • Made a few modifications to My Interests page. Took out torture category with it’s examples of nipple, cunt, cock and ball (CBT), stretching, weights, and ballbusting and assimilated them into other categories. After all, none of those necessarily have to be “torture”. Really, they more accurately fall under sensory play, where that can range from something more sensual all the way to something more sadistic. Also, ballbusting is really a kind of rough body play and is not meant to be sensual, so under RBP it went.
  • Another thing: My site is officially legally copywritten, as in filed with the Library of Congress. All text, images, graphic art — the whole kit ‘n’ kaboodle. I did this because some dickbags have taken My shit and put it on their site. With the help of a kind lawyer, I am about to send a cease and desist letter. It will be followed by a lawsuit if they don’t cease and fucking desist. (This kind of thing is easy to prosecute and WIN.)