Know Your Limits

When you approach me for a scene please make sure that you can tell me your limits, not just your interests. Lately, I have noticed more people are not prepared and don’t know what theirs are. They’re approaching me for a session and have sometimes no idea about what they’re not okay with.

For my play-style, this is a problem. Your limits are actually more important than your interests as they tell me important boundaries that I cannot cross. This is essential for me to know so I, you know, don’t cross them.

What’s happening is that during the scene consultation I start asking about limits and I’m getting “I’m not sure” or “I don’t know” kind of answers. Then I’m spending valuable time asking if this or that is okay when I should be spending it on other things. The consultation is not the place for me to help you figure out your own rules but to ask you clarifying questions about them, if needed. Figuring things out can take a lot of time and will quickly eat up the call.

If you’re not aware, there are (at least) two categories of limits: “hard” and “soft”. Everyone seems to be in agreement that “hard” are things that are completely off the table, but “soft” has some confusion. I see most people define it as “things you don’t really like doing but will do if the Mistress wants to do them”. I don’t think that definition makes sense as you are not telling me a limit but a preference. A limit is a boundary. There is no boundary in that you don’t really like wax play but will do it if I like it. So, I define “soft” as something that falls between being completely OKAY or completely NOT OKAY.

In short:

HARD limit: done under NO conditions.
SOFT limit: done under CERTAIN conditions.

For example:

If femme play (aka “feminization”) was a hard limit it means you’re not okay with any kind of femme play. There are no conditions by which you’re willing to do anything femme related.

If femme had a soft limit, it means you have specific conditions around it. It could be that you’re only okay with panties OR panties and stockings OR everything but makeup, etc.

If femme play has no limits, then you’re okay with anything femme related.

I realize that new players may honestly not yet know their limits. I get that. However, you still should have some idea of what you are absolutely not interested in incorporating into a scene, or even what kinds of things you’d be okay with as much as you can imagine having them done to you.

I have hard new players say things like, “Mistress, I’ve never done bondage before. I think I’d be okay if you tied my wrists or ankles down but I’m not sure about both yet.” You have just given me a soft limit.

If you’re having a difficult time coming up with your list a good place to start is my interests page. Go through the things I have listed there and add anything that you would not want in a scene to your hard limits or things that you have particular requirements about to your soft limits. Don’t worry about being afraid that you don’t get it right or that you end up wanting or not wanting to do something. You can change your limits at any time. But you should have this ready when you ask to play with someone. All good players — tops and bottoms — should be familiar with their partner’s limits.

If you would like personalized help I recommend scheduling a coaching call with me before you ask for a scene. I can go through a variety of things with you and we can hone in on your boundaries. I’m very good at this so you can feel confident that you will learn something about yourself during our call.

So, again, PLEASE BE PREPARED!

Sharing Your Interests Versus Giving a Script

Periodically, when someone requests a session with Me they will give Me a detailed description of exactly how they expect Me to run it. I immediately feel objectified and angry. I feel like they don’t trust My knowledge, My skills, My reputation, and the unique qualities that make Me Me. They are ostensibly seeking a puppet in the show they have written. This is what I call “scripting”.

A script is any detailed instruction about dress, thought/feeling, and/or dialogue. Much like you’d see for a play or movie. It’s purpose is to tell the person how to embody and perform their role. If someone is an actor, for example, this is useful and necessary for them to understand their character, motivation, and the words needed to tell the story. However, not everyone is an “actor” and so these types of instructions are not always appropriate or welcome and therefore may be “off limits”.

In kink culture the term we use to describe something that is off limits is “hard limit”. A hard limit is a boundary that is not to be crossed. If someone says that being whipped with a single tail is a hard limit, guess what? I never whip them with a single tail. I don’t even ask if I can.

Scripts are a hard limit for Me. This means that scripts are a boundary not to be crossed. No, it is not OK to say, “I know you don’t like scripts, Mistress, but can I send one anyway?” A hard limit is a NO. I do not have any interest in someone — usually someone I do not know — telling Me precisely how they want Me to dress, think, and speak. This approach feels like you’re trying to Dominate Me. I’m here to offer My Domination to you, not be subjected to yours.

As a Dominatrix, My role is not to merely be an actor in our scene, My role is to direct it. You do not come to Me to tell Me how to dress, feel, and behave in the same way you do not ask an interior designer to decorate your house and then you tell them — in detail — the way you want each room to look.

Why is this a problem? When you come to Dominatrix (any erotic professional, really) and try to tell Her how to BE, you are ostensibly stripping Her of what makes Her HER in order for Her to be your fantasy of what you want Her to be. This is called “objectification”.

Now, that said,”objectification” is not necessarily a heinous thing. It can be harmless and fun. People commonly objectify others in their personal fantasies. If you’re just jacking off to some fantasy in your head, hey, that’s the privacy of your own mind, but as soon as you take it out of your head and want to turn it into an interaction, it needs to be consensual.

While there are some erotic professionals who are willing to allow a certain level of objectification and take “script”-like requests, such as embodying a fantasy person of your imagination or following a story-line you’ve created, make sure that the person welcomes this before you ask. Do not make assumptions. Do NOT make the mistake of thinking: Woman + erotic play = someone who will be my dress-up doll and I can mold into my plaything. Like Our clients, We have individual personalities, likes, dislikes, and strengths. When you select someone, the point is not just because you like the way She looks, but because She seems like the kind of person you want to have an experience with.

If you’re still confused, here are some examples of scripts:

Script_ex1

Another:

Script_ex2

For clarity, here’s a comparison:

Sharing a script: “Come through the door with a evil look on your face and then come over to me and slap Me in the face before you shove me to the ground and tell me that I’m your worthless dog.”

Sharing interests: “I like the idea of being your pet but being humiliated by you. Maybe punished because I’m not good enough for you.”

Is the difference clear?

In the first, the person is telling Me how to perform and directing Me. In the second, they are just telling Me what they like without telling Me how to do it.

Again, you don’t tell the interior designer how to design; that’s their job.

You don’t need to tell Me how to be a Dominatrix; that’s My job.

My Stance on Body Worship

I am a Domme who is extremely particular about body worship. Because body worship is a common interest and request, I felt it important to explain My stance and how I handle contact with My body.

For those of you who don’t know, body worship can involve any body part. Some examples* are the hands, breasts, pussy, ass, legs, and feet. What “worship” may entail is touching, massaging, kissing, licking, sucking, cleaning, pampering, or otherwise paying reverence to one (or more) of these parts of another.

All Dommes have their own preferences about how they handle body worship. Some offer none at all, and some offer the intimate varieties. While I enjoy all sorts of body worship personally, how I handle it professionally is very different. In professional sessions, the only worship that may occur is toward My feet. The reason why I am so particular is because accepting tribute in exchange for access to My body is not something I am comfortable with. For Me, the more I have this type of arrangement, the less I feel that what is happening is Domination.

For what I offer, your tribute is to show your appreciation for the privilege of receiving My erotic power through the activities we negotiate, not grant you privileges with My body. If this is what you are looking for, I completely understand, but in My view you are not seeking a Dominatrix but another type of provider.

What do you do if you would like to worship My feet? First, I want you to understand that I don’t offer conventional “foot worship”, I offer “foot domination“.

If you are interested in foot domination, please indicate this in your session request.

*This does not mean every Domme is interested in these. Check Her interests and limits, or inquire.