What It’s Like To Be a Dominatrix

People sometimes say that “sex work is easy”, of which, by nature of it being an erotic job, a Dominatrix falls under.

How hard can it be to be a Dominatrix, you say? You put on a catsuit, boots, whip someone while telling them what a loser they are…while raking in a lot of cash, right? Anyone can do that!

If only it was that easy!

First, you gotta get set up: come up with a name, develop a brand, decide on a location, create a website, establish your email, set up a phone number, are you going to own your own studio (how much money do you have to invest?) or are you going to rent (assuming there’s someone to rent from in your area), what activities are you offering, when are you offering it (part-time, full-time, early mornings to late nights), knowing about risk, law, managing business expenses, and taxes. (Contrary to what people say, we have to pay taxes, too.) Tired yet? But you haven’t even gotten started!

Now, you need to get yourself noticed. Expect to create a steady stream of content, which takes hours to prep for, write/shoot, edit, post, and distribute. Are you going to pay a professional photographer or do it yourself? Do you have the right photography equipment? Do you have editing software? Do you know how to use it? Don’t forget to watermark! Pirates will be out there ready to steal your pics, videos, and likeness so they can try to scam someone with your hard work. So either you’re either going to learn how to track it down and get sites to remove it (hint: it usually involves paperwork and sometimes proof that the content is yours), hire an attorney or piracy service, or ignore it and hope it doesn’t tarnish your reputation. (Pirated video will cut into your revenue.)

You’ll also need a decent wardrobe. Like latex or leather? It can run in the hundreds (or more) for 1 piece. Latex is popular with clients but it can rip easily so be prepared for that session where you ruin your $500 catsuit. Shoes? Depends. Usually, 100 & up per pair. Want some of those fancy red-bottomed Louboutins everyone is horny over? Around 1000 per pair.

Running your own studio, like I am? Be prepared to spend thousands of dollars on furniture, gear, consumables, cleaning supplies, utility bills, etc. I’ve spent over 10k on equipment alone. And don’t forget maintenance. You will need to repair or replace things periodically.

OK, now you need clients. How do you get them? Gotta know how to market in a competitive field. I don’t use OF or sell videos, so I have a narrower opportunity for exposure. How do I get people to find me? Website (you’ve got to pay someone or make your own). Directories and forums. Social media, where you need to be constantly active to be seen, while simultaneously facing constant censorship and the possibility of your account being deleted without warning.

Do you know how you’re going to get paid? Especially when there are ZERO payment processors that allow you to use their system to accept payments for adult-themed sessions? That’s right: no PayPal, no Venmo, no Stripe, no Google Pay, no Apple Pay, no…you name it. If you do it and they find out they could confiscate your money and ban you. (No joke. It’s happened to several people.) You could have people send it through the more adult-friendly channels like NiteFlirt, SpankPay, Erotifix, etc. but that’s a risk, too, because even they don’t want you to use them as a payment vehicle for face-to-face sessions. (If you do use them for any reason, be prepared for their cut to be 20-35% versus a standard business payment processor’s ~3%.) And how are you going to manage the clients who say they can’t have a “paper trail”? They often ask to pay with a gift card. Are you going to accept gifts cards from all these people? How will you pay rent or your utilities?

Skills? You better have them. Or you won’t get repeat business. Hoping someone awesome will mentor you for free? Very unlikely. Most of us don’t have the time or interest because many Domme hopefuls underestimate the work and will either not take it seriously or disappear. Who wants invest any of their (limited) time into what is very likely to be a net loss for us? Be prepared to find and pay someone who will teach you. Acquire books and videos, attend classes, workshops, and conventions. More expenses.

Going to offer a specialized activity? Like medical or heavy rubber? Expect to invest a big chunk of money into it — and a big chunk of time with the specialized cleaning that kind of gear requires. (Ever washed and dried a 7 by 4 foot heavy rubber sack by hand, inside and out? That’s the reality of vac bed maintenance.) Maybe you’re going to do something less intense like foot worship? Foot fetishists usually want pedicured feet. That will be an additional, regular investment to keep your feet soft and looking pretty.

Do you know how to do things safely? Do you know the risks of the various health conditions of the clients you will get? What about medications? Do you know which ones affect the kinds of activities you can do safely, within whatever limits they provide? Do you know how to handle a medical emergency? Fainting? Panic attack? Cardiac arrest?

Got someone interested in you? Fantastic. How do you know who to accept for a session? How do you screen them? Do you know warning signs? Do you know what questions to ask to be able to do this work safely and effectively?

They showed up? Congrats — this one wasn’t a no-show! Now what kind of security do you have? You do know we have a higher risk for harassment, stalking, assault, rape, and murder, right? You might want to learn some self-defense.

Now it’s time to run the session. Know what to do? The person booked 4 hours. Do you know how to entertain someone for 4 hours straight? How do you make them want to come back? You need people to come back or you won’t be able to do this full time.

Done! Not so fast. Time for cleaning. You will spend hours doing this. And you can’t just wipe things down with butt wipes, you have to disinfect and sterilize so your clients don’t end up with infections and disease. (Don’t expect clients to be honest about what they may have.) Oops — ran out of chux, gloves, lube, disinfectant, bleach, etc? Time to order more supplies (a constant expense).

Uh-oh, got a problem client? What if they keep touching you in the session when you asked them not to? What if they keep showing up at your studio, unannounced? What if they start making threats? How are you going handle this?

Got through that all? Great. Now, time to do it all over again. And again. And again. And don’t expect success right away. While I did pretty well in my first year (had a plan), it wasn’t until around year 5 that I really felt established in my field. (YMMV.) Expect that once the sense of glamor wears off that aspects of this will feel more and more like a job. Expect to go through phases when you really don’t like those aspects. You will need to learn how to manage this or it will lead to burnout.

SO! While each type of SW has its own requirements, none are “easy”. Being a Dominatrix is the most expensive form of SW & requires a specialized skill set, including understanding how to do very risky activities that could severely injure or kill someone. It involves a lot of time, cash, and dedication.

So, do you still think it’s “easy”?

The More You Know 🌈

Mistress Tissa: Authentic FemDom

FemDom is an often distorted concept.

Much of mainstream BDSM’s depiction is actually MaleDom fetishism disguised as the woman in control. This is especially true in porn. It’s so pervasive that some people out there honestly don’t seem to know the difference.

Maybe you’re one of those who knows this. You can tell when you play with someone who isn’t actually Dominant. It all seems unbelievable. Contrived. And you’re left feeling a little let down. Like you want to feel truly dominated. Real control.

This requires an understanding and mastery of power.

Does this describe me?

Ask some of my subs:

The level of control you exerted over me was great! … I feel like a broke through to a new level of submission/power exchange.  It was incredible!!!

Thank You for letting me experience one of the few true power-exchange scenes i’ve had ever

in one session she got me so “high” on her power over me I actually did faint for about 10 seconds.Talk about POWER!! … If you’ve been looking for a REAL session and want to submit you’ve found the right Mistress

Mistress Tissa is absolutely incredible, exemplifying the title of Professional Domme. … Our session was so fluid, natural, and powerful that I’m still shuddering from the crescendo.

When I am with Her, I know I am with a genuinely dominant, deliciously kinky and stunningly beautiful woman who totally controls my mind and body during the time we spend together

The way You control mind body and spirit is uncanny. You truly are a Sorceress. i thoroughly enjoyed everything we did, but being under the power of Your gaze would have been worth the trip by itself.

I have had sessions with many different Dommes, but none as beautiful, powerful, and controlling as Mistress Tissa.

You are an amazing Mistress. … You are the most powerful woman i have ever met.

If you want authentic domination and you are submissive RUN to her Temenos and have your brain rewired.When I am with her I can feel her power being transferred onto me

Your grace, power, and presence captivated me …. I can’t wait to see you again.

Come, give yourself to me and feel my power.

Training

Interested in receiving training from an authentic Mistress and professional Dominatrix?

I offer personalized training for individuals and couples in a wide variety of activities for submissives, slaves, bottoms, and/or fetishists. I typically do not train Dominants except in the case of a couple where the Dominant would like coaching from another Dominant about training their submissive. In these cases, the training must occur with both parties present. (The couple can be of any sex, gender, or sexual orientation.)

Knowing what kind of training is appropriate for you requires knowing what you are trying to accomplish. To put it simply:

If you want to learn how to be submissive, then you want submissive training.

If you want to learn how to be of service, then you want slave training.

If you want to learn how to experience an activity but do not want power exchange, then you want bottom training.

If it’s really about your specific fetishes around “training” rather than the actuality of what it looks like, you want fetishized or fantasy training.

MistressTissa_Training

Here, my submissive is receiving punishment with his training.

Also important is understanding the “mood” you would like for your training. The mood can dramatically change the feeling. I can create training sessions which are fun and laid back all the way to strict and sadistic. Please note: I may not necessarily offer any combination of type of training and mood you are looking for.

I’m a natural educator and am adept in many activities, but I’m especially well suited for those wishing to be trained in:

MistressTissa_SubmissionAuthentic Submission. This involves the incorporation of my formal studies in psychology and philosophy (and spirituality, when mutually desired) to teach you what genuine submission is and how to find, express, and/or hone it within yourself. This can be sexy, challenging, fun, educational, and powerful. (Psst…it’s not really about just being on your knees.)

MistressTissa_SlaveBakesAuthentic Slavery. Like submissive training, I use my knowledge and skills in psychology and philosophy (and, again, any mutual interests in spirituality) to teach you what genuine slavery is and how to provide it. Long-term slaves will be trained in understanding the Path of Service, including self-awareness and self-improvement. slaves may also work toward self-actualization.

Femme Training. “Femme” is a distinct concept from “female”. I do not approach femme training assuming that you are or want to be female. You can identify as male, female, or something else and be trained to be femme. Training can include only dress, including how to best dress for your  version of femme, to the inclusion of makeup, mannerisms, and speaking. The most serious femmes can also train in the psychology of femme, femme integration, and femme as a tool for healing “toxic masculinity”.  Note: I do not offer femme training as a form of humiliation.

MistressTissa_SlutTrainingSlut Training. In my world, sluts are good things, and my approach to training reflects that. How, specifically, your training occurs depends on whether you’re a sub, slave, or fetishist; but regardless, you will learn to express your glorious inner slut. You do not have to assume a female persona to engage in this type of training. Men are and can be sluts, too!

 

 

If you would like to explore training with me, whether for one session, a handful of sessions, or over a long period of time, please complete the request form on my contact page. Be sure to include details about the type of training you wish to receive. If you omit the details and just ask for “training”, I will assume that you are coming to me as a slave, have no ego needs, and you would like me to 100% choose how I train you.

If you are interested in training but are not sure which is appropriate for you and your interests, I can help pinpoint what is likely the best fit for you. I can do this is two ways:

1. If you’re not certain you want to schedule a session, request a coaching session only.

2. If you know you’re interested in scheduling a session with me, then I recommend an extended session consultation. Please complete my session request form and indicate that you would like an extended consultation.

BDSM and the Law

This is not an easy job. Not just because of everything you have to learn or acquire or manage, but because of the mores of the society in which we live and how they have affected the creation of laws and the enforcement of those laws. It’s a consideration that those of us on the providing end think about regularly — if not daily.

Offering BDSM/kink professionally involves navigating some choppy waters. While many of us have been doing what we do without incident for years — if not decades — there have been some arrests, prosecutions, and lawsuits relating to the practice of BDSM. This can create what is called “precedent”, or a court decision used as an example or authority to help resolve subsequent cases which are similar in nature. Though rulings in our favor can offer potential help, they can only help if they’re out there. And I don’t think there’s a lot of precedent out there.

While we tend to live in what one kink-friendly attorney called, “a culture of tolerance”, which means that while some things may technically not be deemed “permissible”, the laws around them are not really enforced. As a result, the unpredictability of this, mixed with a lack of precedent, means these waters are uncharted. So, if you want to explore these waters, it behooves you to understand what you might find in them.

People may not be aware of this but offering BDSM professionally is actually illegal in some places. New Jersey is one of them*. This means that someone could conceivably be arrested for offering to tie you down and spank you for payment. (Wild, huh?) It means that advertising yourself as offering or looking for pro play would be a violation of the law.

In other places professional BDSM itself isn’t illegal but certain activities might be. Do you have a fetish for strap-on play (aka “pegging”) or forced “cock” sucking? Or do you have a fantasy of being Dominated by more than one person or being in a “forced bi” scene? That’s hot and all, but in some jurisdictions those things could be construed as “prostitution” or “pimping”, respectively.

“Is this truly risky?”, you may ask. This is the nature of uncharted waters. We don’t always know the level of risk we’re taking. It’s dependent on various factors — some which we have control over and some that we don’t.

This is one reason why you may see differences in how Dommes advertise themselves. Some don’t advertise at all or don’t talk about what they do or don’t discuss payment. This can be because it’s beyond Her comfort zone to be so open, whether it’s for privacy reasons or legal ones.

If you’re thinking, “If this is true, then why have I seen Dommes offer all these things?” Sometimes it’s because the Domme honestly doesn’t care and is willing to assume the risk, in other cases She doesn’t know the law and the risk She’s taking.

Whatever the reason for the Domme, it’s in your best interest to learn the law in the area in which you play. This does not mean you have to give up on your kinky dreams. It just means you should be wise and pursue your passions carefully.

So, before sending a message to a Domme and asking, “Can you fuck me in the ass?” or “Can you pimp me out to your other clients?”, know that it may be met with silence and ruin your chances of sessioning with Her. You may need to prove yourself trustworthy before some of these things are discussed — if they ever will be at all.

*In statute 34:1, it defines “prostitution” as including “sadistic or masochistic abuse and other deviate sexual relations.”

The others states in which their prostitution statutes specifically includes sadomasochistic abuse or some variant as a “sexual act” or “sexual contact”:

Arizona
Hawaii
Louisiana
Maryland
DC

States in which toilet play (urine and/or feces) is included in the statute about prostitution:

New Hampshire
North Carolina
North Dakota

States in which the definition of “touching genitals” and/or “masturbation” could include CBT:

Oklahoma
Rhode Island
South Dakota
Texas
Washington

States in which there are extremely broad definitions which include anything designed for “sexual gratification” or that which is “lewd” and “lascivious”:

Delaware
Oklahoma

State in which a live BDSM show is considered illegal due to “indecency”:

Oregon

State in which “basic dominance and submission” are specifically EXCLUDED from the prostitution statute:

New York

This is not a complete list of all statues and it doesn’t qualify as a substitute for legal advice from an attorney.

(Credit to attorney Steven Sandler for the source I’m citing.)

If you want to better understand the law, I recommend starting at the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s (NCSF) write up. You can also check their legal resources tag.

If you’re outside the US, you can start on the BDSM and the law Wiki page which mentions the law in other countries. (You probably want to verify the sources, though.)

After that, I advise you to contact an attorney in your area. The type of attorney who is most-likely to be able to answer questions about this are criminal defense attorneys.

NCSF’s website also has a searchable database of kink-aware professionals, which includes lawyers. (Be sure you select at least a country or you will get zero results.) Please note that not every kink-aware professional in listed in this directory; only those who have submitted a request to be listed.