How Do I Know If My Kink Is Good Or Bad? And What Can I Do About It?

Do you feel unsure about your sexuality, specifically your kinks? Have you been concerned whether what you enjoy is “good” or if it’s “bad”? Have you asked yourself, “Is it OK that I’m doing this?” or “Is there something wrong with me?” If you have, it’s normal. People have these concerns — sometimes to the point of causing great distress — that something is just not right about the “kinky” things they enjoy, but they have difficulty considering this objectively.

When trying to get some insight, it’s important to remember that since everyone has different likes, dislikes, levels of comfort, etc., and what feels good for one person may not be for another. “Good” and “bad” can be used as a shorthand for a value judgment and these values don’t necessarily apply to everyone. Because of this, I encourage you to instead think of them as either “healthy” or “unhealthy”.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help evaluate where yours fall:

When engaging in your kink, do you…

MistressTissa_Strippedrequire that you first become intoxicated? Are you unable to engage in your interest without first needing to get drunk or do drugs?

…ignore boundaries — whether your own or someone else’s? Do you routinely allow yourself to be pressured to do things you don’t want to do? Or do you pressure or “trick” someone else into doing things? Is “consent” something you let someone else decide for you or something you believe you should decide for others? (This does not include the practice of “consensual non-consent”.)

…not know when or how to stop? Do you have a compulsive need to do your kink? Does it feel like you’re “addicted” to it? Do you want to stop but you believe you can’t?

 …feel guilt or regret afterward? Do you wish you hadn’t done what you just did? Do you experience anxiety or depression afterward? Perhaps feeling bad about yourself, beating yourself up, or even go so far as to have thoughts of self-harm?

…see that it has had an overall negative impact on your life? Such as preoccupying much of your thoughts at the expense of other important things? Compelling you to recklessly spend money? Causing you be late for or miss work? Affecting your interpersonal relationships, such as with family or friends? Or generally decreasing your quality of life?

If you said yes to any of these questions, you may have an unhealthy relationship to your kink. (If you didn’t then your relationship may be healthy.)

What’s important to note with feelings of guilt or regret is that while they may indicate a problem they don’t necessarily mean that the kink itself is the problem. Sometimes people feel guilt or regret because of their own beliefs about their kink; such as that they are a defective or bad person, something which our culture may teach us but may not be true. Some people feel guilt or regret after secretly engaging in their kink because they assume the people in their lives will not understand or approve. In both these cases, the issue may not be the kink but the attitudes and circumstances surrounding the kink.

What do you do if you think you might have an unhealthy relationship to your kink?

I recommend finding a qualified professional who is trained in mental health and has competency with human sexuality, particularly kink, and experience helping people with the kinds of emotions you’re having (e.g. shame, guilt, anger, addiction).

Where can you get a kink-competent* provider?

One place I’d recommend looking is the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom’s Kink-Aware Professional database. This database does not include all providers; only those that have requested to be listed. So, if you don’t see someone in your area, that does not mean there isn’t someone out there.

Another place to look is a search engine. Try searching for “therapy” or “counseling” or even “coaching”; your city or state; and your specific kink, or just “kink”, or even “sexuality”. See who comes up. If anyone looks interesting, give them a call. You may find other directories this way as well.

What if I have/don’t have insurance?

If you have insurance and need the provider to be in-network, contact your insurer for a list of mental health professionals in your area and then do a quick web search for each of them. See if they have a website with information about their competencies. If you’re unclear, give them a quick call. Most providers will be happy to answer a few questions about their qualifications and if they think they might be able to help you.

If you can’t find someone in-network, don’t despair. Sometimes insurers will cover out-of-network providers if their rate is comparable to those in-network. Or, they will cover a certain amount and you pay the rest. Ask your insurer about this. Then ask the provider you’re interested in if they are willing to work with your insurer.

If you are able to pay out of pocket you are likely to have more options. So consider if you’re willing to go that route and how much you are able to afford. I recommend thinking about this before you make any calls so you’re prepared to discuss it if you find a provider that interests you. (Note: unlicensed providers are not able to take insurance.)

How do you know if the person is right for you?

This is usually not immediately apparent. It’s like going to a doctor or restaurant or even meeting a new friend. Sometimes you may feel like it’s a good fit from the first visit, sometimes it takes a little more time. Prepare yourself for there to be some trial and error.

Before you make an appointment with someone, know that you are completely within your right to vet the person with whom you will be sharing many personal details of your life. This means you’re allowed to ask them about their education, experience, attitudes toward and competency with your specific kink (and even kinks, in general), and how they have helped people like you in the past. If they do not welcome your questions, this is, in my view, a red flag.

Also important is to be aware that if you do find someone and they in any way try to shame and tell you that you should not be kinky and are bad for being this way, I recommend that you STOP seeing them. This is not the behavior of a kink-friendly or competent provider and is not an appropriate match for kinky people. (They are also likely to not be a good mental health practitioner in general.) Seeing someone like this would be like a gay person wanting support for being gay and the provider telling them that being gay is bad and to stop being gay. If you do not feel they are offering reasonable support, then try someone else.

Does having unhealthy thoughts or feelings make you “crazy”?

If you are worried about the possibility that because you might have an unhealthy relationship to your kink that you are in some way “crazy”, please understand that having any of the above thoughts or feelings doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “mentally ill” in the way a lot of people think of it, but that understanding unhealthy thoughts, feelings, and behavior, and the processing and modification of those things, is what therapists, counselors, and even some coaches are trained to do. This is why they are a good choice to support you through these types of issues.

(*Not just kink-friendly. Anyone can be “friendly” to a situation or type of person; it doesn’t mean that have any idea of how to appropriately help and support them.)

My Trip To Italy And Greece

It’s been a month(!) since I got back from my two-week vacation to Italy and Greece.

I’ve been meaning to update my blog but as soon as I got back I began three-weeks of being very busy. I had sessions most days and was trying to balance the demands of that with the demands of several things I needed to attend to in my personal life.

Only in this last week have things slowed down. I have been spending the increased free time reevaluating my priorities, which included taking care of other matters and engaging in some quality self-care.

But, for now, let me tell you about my trip.

The preparation of this post was an onerous task. I took over 3,000 photos over those two weeks. I went through each one and noted which I wanted to include here.

This post won’t mention everything about my trip. Just things that are relevant to this blog. This will mean there will be a lot of skipping ahead. Though seeing all these sites and art and history was a turn-on for me, most doesn’t belong here.

One relevant thing which will be mentioned a lot: Goddesses. You see, worshiping Goddesses was common before the the rise of the Abrahamic faiths, which were heavily Patriarchal and treated — and continue to treat — women pretty much like shit.

I was absolutely energized to see all the traces of Goddesses. In temples and sculpture and dedications. And it has been very much on my mind since I’ve returned.

My first stop was Rome.

The first day was just adjusting to the time zone change. Sleeping. And eating. And sleeping some more.

The next day, I visited the Vatican to see the Sistine Chapel and some of the museum.

As I walked down the hall, I immediately noticed this status of Ares and his very small penis. I always take note of small penises on statues. (And there are plenty.)

MistressTissa_SPAres

This appears to be a problem for Ares. There is another statue of him in the Louvre and he has a very small penis there, too. I think this affirms why men become “gods of war” or whatever. It’s an expression of Small Dick Syndrome.

I passed through the gift shop and saw this bust of Athena (which I considered buying but She was prohibitively heavy):

MistressTissa_AthenaBust

I’ve said this before, but if you didn’t catch it: I loved Athena when I was a child. I identified with Her (and still do). She was a lot more interesting to me than the stories of the Christian God I was being taught. (I can only imagine how I, or other children, would have been shaped had I/we been taught to revere Her instead.)

In the 3rd or 4th grade, I dressed up as Her for “be your favorite book character” day. I tried to make something like a battle-peplos out of a tablecloth; I coated my round, convex snow-sled with gold spray-paint; and I asked a teacher if I could borrow the spear on which her American flag hung (she said yes). While my classmates were dressing as silly kid shit, I was fucking Athena.

Back to my trip.

Here’s what’s left of another tiny-cock(less) man found around the site of what’s left of Domitian’s Stadium in Rome:

MistressTissa_Torso

Maybe it’s Ares…?

And for the foot fetishists, all that remains of this statue from the same site:

MistressTissa_StadiumFeet

(If one of you fetishists would have been with me, I would have made you kiss them.)

Here, in the Roman Forum, is the remaining bit of the Temple of Vesta, Goddess of the hearth:

MistressTissa_TempleofVesta

From another angle:

MistressTissa_TempleofV2

As you can see, it was a circular temple. It was about 30 feet (15m) in diameter and it contained the sacred flame of Vesta, which was kept burning by the attending Vestal Virgins. They believed that an “eternal” flame made Vesta happy and that She’d bestow good fortune upon the city of Rome in return.

Here is the remains of the small shrine to Venus Cloacina:

MistressTissa_CloacaMaxima

“Cloacina” is the Etruscan Goddess of the Sewer, and the Cloaca Maxima, which means “Great Drain”, was the sewage system of ancient Rome (it was one of the world’s first). Venus was then paired with this Goddess. Perhaps because She governed beauty and pleasure and you can’t have either without a good working sewage system, can you now? This shrine was built to honor how Venus Cloacina kept the city and its people clean and healthy.

In comparison, from a gift shop on Mount Vesuvius, here are some guys playing with their dicks:

MistressTissa_DickPlay

So, women sustain cities and men play with their little dicks. Sounds about right.

Then, off to Pompeii… which was known for it’s lupanari…

…so much that they put cocks on street signs to direct people there:

MistressTissa_ThisWayTo

And here we are…

MistressTissa_Lupanare

Inside were frescoes that survived the eruption of Vesuvius in 79 CE. These were above the entrances to rooms and depicted various sexual positions. Here was one:

MistressTissa_Lupa_Fresco

And here is one of the rooms:

MistressTissa_Lupa_Bed

Yes, that is a stone bed. Obviously they would have had something more comfortable over it. This is just a type of ancient mattress and box-spring.

Before I left, I saw some sexy things from one of the gift shops, which I naturally had to buy:

MistressTissa_SexyAncients

Here’s one of the photos of the frescoes from the book:

MistressTissa_SAOAT

A Tale As Old As Time: he looks like he doesn’t know what he’s doing and she looks bored. 😉

And of course I had to get this:

MistressTissa_Cunnilingus

…because where else am I going to find a magnet of a two-thousand-year-old fresco showing a guy licking a woman’s pussy?

Then, I went to the island of Thira, also known as Santorini. Not much sexy to report here, but here I am at the excavation site in Akrotiri:

MistressTissa_Akrotiri

Akrotiri was a thriving port of the Minoan civilization. It was at this site that some beautiful frescoes were discovered. These frescoes date from the Bronze Age, circa 17th century BCE. I bought a reproduction of one of them from a store on Thira:

MistressTissa_MinoanFresco

I also bought a reproduction of a statue of Astarte:

MistressTissa_Astarte

(I had the things I bought from this store shipped home and the guy forgot to send Her stand. He said it’s coming.)

I also bought this 12″ reproduction of the Minoan Snake Goddess:

MistressTissa_SnakeGoddess

The following items were purchased from a little old lady on my walk from my hotel to the town of Fira. Many stores sold these, of which there were several themes and styles. They were sold as “reproductions”. I’m not sure if they mean literal reproductions or if they mean emulations of ancient styles.

A small bronze statue of Artemis:

MistressTissa_Artemis

This resembles some of the bronze statues of the Greek Geometric era, circa 8th century BCE.

This is a small, clay amphora featuring Artemis:

MistressTissa_ArtemisAmphor

And this a clay oenochoe (wine jug) featuring Athena with her owl:

MistressTissa_AthenaOenocho

The tags on this pottery said they are guaranteed as “handmade copies of objects from 6th-5th century BCE.”

Also, while I visited Oia (a town in the north part of the island), I met this dog named Janusz:

MistressTissa_Janusz

He doesn’t have anything to do with this blog (unless those of you with inner pets can relate to this), but he was a memorable part of my visit to Thira. He loved attention but was almost too shy to ask for it. He came and stood right next to me but wouldn’t look at me. Once I started petting and talking to him, he pushed himself into my leg, and when I knelt down he put his head on my thigh, only then would he peer up bashfully and look at me a little, like this:

MistressTissa_Janusz2

Aw, sweet Janusz.

Then, I was off to Athens…

I had a view of the Acropolis from my hotel room. A zoom in:

MistressTissa_Acropolis

I could look at it while lying in bed. 🙂

But why look at it in bed when you can go for a visit?

MistressTissa_Parthenon

It was hot this day, and, as you can see, there were no clouds in the sky. Silly me, I did not put sunscreen on. I think I forget that I’m subject to this thing mortals call “sunburn”.

The Acropolis is the entirety of the area on this large hill. It literally means “uptown”. It was nearly entirely dedicated to Athena, who was the patron Goddess and namesake of Athens.

The Parthenon, the largest temple (behind me in the photo above), was a feat of engineering at the time of its construction. It took only 11 years to complete. It was actually a replacement for an earlier temple to Athena. The first, which was adjacent to the Erechtheion, was destroyed by boys during the Persian invasion in 480 BCE. Shortly thereafter, they begun construction on the temple you see the remains of today. The surviving structures were all originally spearheaded by Pericles, a statesman, general, and man who honored his Goddess.

The damage to the south side (seen on the left side of the photo) was due to what else: more boys fighting.

Another temple in the Acropolis is the Erechtheion. It was named after some hero, even though it was dedicated to Athena and Poseidon.

MistressTissa_Erechtheion

This is another replacement after the destruction of the first temple to Athena Pollas (Her “protectress” form). This is the view of the East side, which was apparently the entrance to Athena’s section. (Poseidon’s was on the north). I don’t know why Poseidon got a nod with this reconstruction. Maybe it was to appease him when Athena kicked his ass in the fight for Athens.

Here is a closer look of the porch of the Caryatids:

MistressTissa_Caryatids

These are all replicas. The originals were removed and are now on display in the Acropolis Museum — except one original which was stolen in the early 19th century by the greedy English Lord Elgin. He took Her from Her home because he wanted to decorate his house with Her, and other artifacts from the site. He eventually sold Her to the British Museum where She now resides. (She really belongs with the others in Athens.)

Here are the originals, minus the one stolen (I marked what would be Her place with a red square):

MistressTissa_CaryatidsOrig

Note the broken one in the back. This was when Lord Elgin tried to steal a second one. And when he had problems, tried to have Her cut into pieces to facilitate Her removal. This didn’t work and so She was smashed. This seems a good metaphor for the Patriarchal Male who doesn’t honor women: if trying to own them doesn’t work, cut them to pieces to reassemble as they see fit. If that doesn’t work? Destroy them.

Here is the temple to Athena Nike, built around 420 BCE:

MistressTissa_AthenaNike

“Nike” means “victory”. Athena Nike was Her battle-victorious form, and She was prayed to for success in war, or any other struggle, I imagine.

Here is the view when coming in the propylaea, the entrance to the Acropolis:

MistressTissa_AthenaNike2

So: not one but three temples to Athena on the top of a massive hill that overlooks the city. And when destroyed by war, the temples were faithfully rebuilt. And even now Athens has a law that restricts how tall new buildings can be because the view of the Acropolis cannot be impeded.

Athena was clearly loved and revered.

What about Zeus? Hephaestus? Ares? Some of the other Olympiads?

Oh, they got temples. Down below.

Zooming in from atop the Acropolis…

What’s left of Zeus’s:

MistressTissa_ZeusTemple

And Hephaestus’s:

MistressTissa_HephaestusTem

His temple is in pretty good condition, actually. It’s because it was used by people over time, such as a Christian church.

And all that’s left of Ares’s:

MistressTissa_TempleofAres

And for perspective, here is the Acropolis when viewed from the Athenian Agora, where the above two temples are located:

MistressTissa_AcrofromAgora

I find a lot of meaning in this.

I then visited the Acropolis museum, which includes many of the artifacts from the site, both from the structures themselves and excavations. One such find was this dedication from the sanctuary of Aphrodite Pandemos:

MistressTissa_AphroditeDedi

It explains how the dedicant, “…odoros”, makes an offering to Aphrodite from his first earnings and asks Her to grant him plentiful goods.

There were several other dedication stones like this in the museum. I believe the rest were all to Athena. They all read similarly: [name] dedicates this to [Goddess] from his/her earnings hoping She will grant them some kind of favor. I wanted to take photos of the others, but they were in a section of the museum where photography was prohibited.

See, folx, men (and women), used to give their money to Goddesses (i.e. Dominant Women) in hopes of being granted favor. This is an old tradition.

If you enjoyed My post and wish to honor this tradition, feel free to make an offering to Me.

And this concludes My entry! I had an amazing time and, while I’m glad to once again be enjoying the comforts of home, I left inspired and renewed. I’ve been energized by it since I’ve come back!

 

Back from London and Paris

I decided that I wanted My trip to focus on historical sites, as I have an interest in European history. I visited the Tower of London, Westminster Abbey, L’Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, and the Louvre. I could have accomplished more (palaces, cathedrals, catacombs, museums, etc) but, between My preference to become saturated by the experience rather than blow through it and the exhausting nature of walking around for hours and hours, I opted for quality over quantity.

I usually like to keep My blog’s content related to things of a kinky and erotic nature, so I won’t go into too much general detail and instead keep the highlights relevant.

My first stop was the Tower of London, which I had wanted to visit for many years.

From the White Tower, we have some shackles, only removable by a blacksmith (safewords won’t do you any good here, My sluts):

mistresstissa_tolshackles

…and a “Scavenger’s Daughter”, which, oddly, seems to be a name shared by two different devices:

mistresstissa_tolshackles2

(Note to self: see if I can acquire this for Temenos)

For you Golden and Brown fetishists, here is a Norman Garderobe:

mistresstissa_garderobe

Imagine your face under there, toilets! Consuming the waste of Queens and Kings!

(Of course I searched the walls for “bathroom” graffiti, but, alas, found nothing.)

In King Edward I’s bed chamber was this plaque:

mistresstissa_kinkyedward

See: the desire of powerful men to offer their submission to women through erotic games is not a new invention. (Note the use of money in power exchange.)

Detail from a carving on L’Arc de Triomphe:

mistresstissa_adtprotection

An expression of submission? Trust? Devotion?

A marble throne from the Louvre:

mistresstissa_throne

…which I think I would look rather good sitting on.

Columns made of Goddesses:

mistresstissa_goddesses

(Women holding things up, as usual!)

Ares, you may be the God of War, but your penis won’t be winning any battles:

mistresstissa_tinydickares

(Perhaps a timeless example of how men use war to make up for smaller things?)

And My personal goddess when I was around 8-10 years old, Athena:

mistresstissa_athena

(No, really: I read all about Her as a child and paid homage by dressing up as Her for “your favorite book character” day at school, including painting My round, snow sled gold to be My shield and borrowing a teacher’s flag pole to be My spear. I wish I had pictures!)

I also did some shopping and added some hoods and a mask to My collection:

mistresstissa_hoods

A latex hood with eyes and mouth, a neoprene hood with gas mask, a neoprene double hood, and a cat mask for Me (I have a latex version but wanted vinyl as well).

I had an amazing time but I’m happy to be home and ready to have fun with all you subs and sluts!