Article: Kinky Sex Could Be the Secret to Your Success

“Many successful visionaries throughout history, from artists to scientists and even politicians, have had well-documented kinks and fetishes that affected how they operated in their daily lives.

A wave of recent research has confirmed this: If it’s something you desire in the first place, kinky sex can benefit you not just in the bedroom, but outside of it as well. “Unconventional” sexual practices and fantasies, such as BDSM, group sex, or role play, have been shown to reduce psychological stress, improve mental health and can help with satisfying and communicative relationships. Kinky people have also been found to have higher self-worth than those who are too afraid or ashamed to pursue their fantasies

People who engage in BDSM and kink have been found to be happier, more conscientious and less neurotic than people who don’t engage in so-called “deviant” sex. “

More confirmation of what many of us have known all along: kink is healthy and has tangible benefits.

Full article here: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12231118/how-kinky-sex-leads-to-career-success/ (worth the read)

Position, Role, and Fetishism

I believe one of the most pervasive misunderstandings in kink is the difference between top and bottom, Dominant and submissive, and fetishism. In My experience, this confusion is not limited to people who are new to the culture, but people who have been involved in it for many years and don’t quite seem to know what they are and which apply to them. Because I think it is a fundamental aspect to concise negotiations and overall better experiences, allow Me to explain.

The first thing that is helpful to think about is that our experiences are multi-dimensional. Whether that experience is kinky or not, there is never just one thing going on at a time. Even if you’re just sitting there, breathing, your body is completing a multitude of tasks at once: your heart is beating, your body temperature is being regulated, and your immune system is on alert. Likewise, in kink, there is more than one thing going on. Three of those things are the focus of this article.

The three things are: topping and bottoming, or what I’ll call “position”; Dominance and submission, or what I’ll call “role”; and fetishism. While they all relate to one another, they have distinct differences which are helpful to understand, not only for self-awareness but when seeking out others for play. Understanding which concepts best describe you can help you hone in on who and what it is you’re looking for.

First, I’ll define position. When someone assumes the active position in play, we call that person the “top”. This is the person who provides the sensation, physically and/or emotionally. This means it’s the person who is spanking, tying, spitting, humiliating, or penetrating. The complement is the person who assumes the passive position, what is called the “bottom”. This person receives the sensation, physically and/or emotionally, that the top is providing. This means it’s the person being spanked, being tied, being spit upon, being humiliated, or being penetrated. Of course, one can do both, and when someone does they’re called a “switch” or “versatile”. Note that this doesn’t say anything more than who is giving and who is receiving.

Next, we have role. Consider that in life, there are people whose role is to lead or assume control and there are people whose role is to follow or to relinquish control. This dynamic applies to kinky play as well. The person who leads or controls play is called a “Dominant”. Dominants make the decisions about how and when the spanking, tying, spitting, humiliating, or penetrating will take place. The person who follows or is controlled in play is called a “submissive”. A submissive is not there to make the decisions about how and when the (negotiated) activities occur, their role is to submit to the decisions of the Dominant. In BDSM culture, we call this dynamic “D/s”, which is short for “Dominant/submissive” or “Dominance/submission”.  It’s what the middle two letters in BDSM stand for. (There is another dynamic which we call “M/s”, which is short for Mistress/slave or Master/slave, and is another form of power exchange which has different expectations, but I’m not going to go into that here.) Note that this doesn’t say anything about who is creating or receiving the sensation; only who is in control of it.

Lastly, there’s fetishism. When the term “fetish” was first introduced in the early 20th century, it was used to describe something that needed to be present in order for someone to feel sexual arousal. Since then, it’s grown beyond its clinical beginnings to more broadly encompass something that is not considered inherently sexual but causes sexual arousal, such as shoes, being put in a diaper, being tied to a chair, or being slapped in the face. And now, we also have a pop culture concept of “fetish” which can be anything someone is fixated on, including things we think of as sexual.

A fetish is a subjective experience. What is a fetish for one person may not be for another. Because it is subjective, it will therefore involve personal variables about what, when, and how the fetish manifests. Fetishes may be common between people, such as seeing a woman put on pantyhose, or be unique to that individual, such as that it must be Mistress Belinda putting on nude, Cuban-heel, thigh-high stockings with black contrast. Note that this says nothing about giving or receiving, or about power dynamics, just arousal.

Now, I’ll describe some of the confusion people seem to have with these layers.

Probably the most common misunderstanding I see is the conflation of position and role. While it is common for the person assuming the top position to also be the Dominant, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes a person can control the way in which they receive sensation. If Mistress Belinda says, “Lick My stockings!” how would we describe her position and role? Well, because Mistress Belinda is both dictating the action and receiving the licking, she is acting as a Dominant bottom. The party that is agreeing to follow Her command and provide the licking is acting as a submissive top. Another term you may hear used to describe a submissive top is “service top”. This person submits to requests/orders/control about how they will provide sensation to another.

Perhaps the second most common misunderstanding is the difference between wanting to assume a role and wanting to assume a position. It is common that people who say they want to Dominate or submit don’t actually want to do those things at all. Someone may say they’re submissive, but what they really want is to bottom. That is, they want someone to take the active role in creating sensations for them, not submit to someone else’s control about how those sensations happen. Likewise, some who consider themselves “Dominant” are really tops, in that they enjoy creating sensation for others, but they want someone to tell them what they want them to do, and then they’ll do it.

Maybe the third most common misunderstanding is the confusion between what it means to actually exchange power and to fetishize it. There are many people who say they want a Dominant or submissive, whether it be for play or a relationship, but what is really going on is that they actually just have a fetish for it. What does that mean, exactly?

Submissive and slave, like Dominant and Mistress/Master, are words we use to describe the way power is exchanged. Fetishism is not about power, it’s about arousal. Because a fetish is about arousal, to fetishize something is to be aroused by one’s own subjective perceptions about a person or object. It’s a form of appropriation, or assigning a value to something based on one’s own feelings or beliefs about it rather than what it actually is. For example, being aroused by someone with glasses because they’re assumed to be more intelligent or by a person with blonde hair because they’re assumed to be less; certain ethnicities because they are “exotic”; or Dominant women because they are believed to exist to be a service top to men’s sexual fantasies.

Since a person’s ideas and fantasies may in no way reflect the reality of the person or object, it is said the person or object is being fetishized. While fetishizing something is normal, it can be problematic. People may not welcome someone’s fetishization of them. This is not only because it’s appropriation, but because it’s a form of objectification. Nonconsensual objectification to serve another’s erotic and sexual desires is dehumanizing. This is why I believe it is especially important for fetishists to understand their motivations and responsibly negotiate them. Without this awareness, you are treading in very touchy terrain.

An example that encapsulates the three areas of this article is a man who identifies as a “submissive” and wants a “Dominant” woman that dresses, acts, feels, and speaks in the way that he desires. In actuality, this man is fetishizing a woman who he would like to control into being what he wants her to be. So, this man who thinks he’s a “sub” is actually a Dominant fetishist. If he wants her to do things to him, such as “tease and denial”, he’s also a bottom. If he wants to do things to her, such as body worship, he’s also a top. This relates to what we call “topping from the bottom“, a misnomer that really refers to “Dominating from the submissive role”. I can tell you that as lifestyle and professional Dominant with over a decade of experience playing with a lot of men, this is a very common situation.

So, what is happening here?

Many men seem to find the idea of being controlled by a woman to be sexually arousing, but the actuality of it is not what they are really looking for. There is a disparity between their fantasy of what She is like and the reality. This fantasy is often the result of the influence of media, such as pornography, on one’s ideas and perceptions.

Let me talk a little bit more about how porn can help create this situation.

Porn is a business, and its business is to arouse. Those who create porn must think of what arouses their audience. If their audience is men, they need to understand their fantasies. Since a person’s fantasies put them at the center, they do not necessarily reflect reality, where they aren’t the sole participant but part of an equation and set of circumstances with one or more people. (This isn’t a male or erotic phenomenon, by the way, but a natural byproduct of fantasy itself.)

In a FemDom clip, for example, the idea isn’t so much about depicting a woman actually being in control, as it is about her embodying what they think their (male) audience  wants her to be like. This is why it is common for Female Dominants to encounter men who expect Us to simply act out their fantasies without little to no regard about our part of the equation. (And, yes, Dominants can also be confused by the fantasy of what they believe they are supposed to be.)

The mixture of not understanding these concepts and the blurring between what is fantasy and what is reality can add to the confusion of who you are and what you are trying to accomplish. If you recognize what it means to be Dominated versus being be topped, or if what you are really feeling is a fetish, you will be able to find a more comfortable space in which to explore your kinks and further refine your experiences.

If you would like help figuring out your own kinky identity, I offer high-quality, personalized coaching.

Booking a scene with Me while I’m attending DomCon

You may have noticed that I don’t travel a lot. Or if I do it’s more of the “leisure” variety. So, if you reside in the Los Angeles area and don’t come My way often (if at all), or you will be attending DomCon, and would like to have an experience with Me while I’m there between May 8th and 13th, here are some things to think about:MistressTissa_Sultry_crop

  1. Consider your scene. What you want to do might work better on different days or at different times. Note: I will not be taking any scenes over 4 hours.
    • May 8: Good for private dungeon scenes or a hotel scene. I am coming in a day early to offer scenes without the distraction of the convention. I’m willing to session from multiple dungeons in LA.
    • May 9 – 13 evenings: Good for hotel room scenes. Hotel rooms can be versatile but are especially good environments for roleplays that might feel better outside of some dungeon settings, such as domestic, bedroom, office, kidnap, interrogation. I will be attending the events during the morning and afternoon on these days, so My time will be limited to 8pm – midnight.
    • May 11 and 12 evenings: These are the nights of Sanctuary’s two play parties. These are busy events with people playing everywhere. These are best for people who want public scenes, such as exhibitionists and those looking for scenes involving humiliation and/or service.
  2. Consider My specialties. I’m a Domme who naturally has a wide variety of interests and skills, including a strong aptitude for understanding psychology. Some of My scene specialties are authentic Domination/power exchange (as opposed to service topping), emotional intensity, humiliation and degradation (from playful to ruthless), rough body play, “beatdowns”, impact, and psychodramas (My approach is realism over fetishism). I also offer unique takes through My practices of Foot Domination (as opposed to “Foot Worship”) and Sensual Sadism (what others may call “Tease and Denial”).MistressTissa_NippleBitch_c
  3. I’m open to scenes involving two or more Dommes. There will be a quite a lot of Dommes from all over the world attending the conference. This is one of those rare opportunities to scene with more than one Domme that might rarely — if ever — come in contact with one another. So, take advantage of what might be a one-time opportunity. If you have an idea of what Domme(s) you’d like Me co-conspiring with, let Me know and I’ll inquire if They’re available and interested in your scene.
  4. Book in advance. If you plan ahead a bit, you’re more likely to get the time you want and I can make sure I bring specific things to craft your scene. Also, I prefer it because I don’t like rushing. Art should not be rushed, dahling! 😉
  5. Be aware of deadlines. The latest I will be able to accept an application before I leave Philadelphia is May 5th. This allows one day to speak with you and pack what I need for our scene before I leave for Los Angeles. The 7th will be too late. Once I’ve left Philadelphia, you are welcome to inquire, but you will have to be content with whatever clothes, shoes, and gear I’ve decided to bring.

 

Feeling hesitant because you don’t feel like you know enough about Me? Take a look at My website.

Concerned that I may not be a good Domme? Take a look at My testimonials.

Ready to request a scene? Inquire here.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Mistress Tissa

 

Hard Limits and Soft Limits

If you have spent any time experimenting with BDSM, you probably very quickly heard the term “hard limit”. Hopefully, you also heard about its close relative the “soft limit”. While they are both refer to limitations placed on the activities performed during scenes, they mean different things.

Before I discuss what they are, I want to mention that people have varying definitions of what they mean. So, you may run into explanations that differ from mine. This is how I define them.

First, I want to talk about a couple of common misconceptions. The first is that people (usually newer players) think that “hard” and “soft” refer to a to a scale of play intensity. So, when asked about their hard and soft limits, will say something like, “medium”. Another even more common idea is that a soft limit refers to something you have done and might not like very much, such as CBT or electrical stimulation (“e-stim”). Often this is followed by a, “but I’m okay doing it if you enjoy it, Mistress.” Those are not soft limits, they are preferences. Limits have to do with boundaries.

Then, what is a soft limit and how does it differ from a hard one?

A hard limit is non-negotiable. It is something you are not willing to do under any circumstances. This can be a never, ever kind of thing or it could be only for this one scene you’re negotiating with this one person(s) you’re about to play with.

A soft limit is negotiable but within certain parameters. It is something you are willing to do as long as certain conditions are met. Like a hard limit, a soft limit can be something that is static across time or it may depend on the scene and who’s involved in that scene.

Hard and soft limits apply to both physical or mental/emotional activities. Some examples of physical hard limits could be impact play, spitting, or anal stimulation. Turning the above examples into physical soft limits could be liking impact but only on your butt;  liking spitting, but not on your face; or enjoying anal stimulation as long as there is no penetration. Some emotional hard limits could be degradation, abandonment, or brainwashing. Turning these into emotional soft limits could be finding it hot to be called a slur as long as it’s playful and not “mean”; liking to be abandoned as a part of your scene but only if followed by a particular type of aftercare; or enjoying being verbally brainwashed about what your gender is but not your sexuality.

An easy way to determine if a limit on an activity is hard or soft is to ask yourself: “Am I willing to do this activity under ANY circumstances?” If the answer is NO, then you have discovered a hard limit. If the answer is YES, and you have specific requirements that must be met in order for you to do it, then you have identified a soft limit.

When you realize that you are willing to do an activity in some instances, think carefully about what those instances are. Imagine what circumstances would need to occur in order to allow something to be done or said to you. Inversely, imagine what circumstances would absolutely stop you from wanting to do it.

People often seem confused about the circumstances part. I regularly have people tell Me something like, “I have a hard limit on marks. They can’t last more than a day.” What you have actually just told Me is that you have a soft limit on marks. The reason is because you’re actually okay with being marked, it’s just that those marks have conditions. The condition is that they last no more than a day. If you could not be marked at all — that is, you cannot leave the session with a trace of anything — then it would become a hard limit.

Some limits are very clear for people and some limits are not. Physical limits are usually easier to determine. Emotional limits, on the other hand, are often nebulous territory. It’s common for people to say they are unsure about their emotional limits. They may indicate they enjoy being degraded, for example, but are not really sure where that enjoyment may end. Then, someday, during a scene, they hear a word or phrase or end up feeling a certain way after a particular scenario and realize they have just discovered at least one fence post in the field of their emotional landscape.

It’s okay if you’re not sure about what your limits are. Even experienced players may not be sure of what they will enjoy — especially with a new play partner — or be aware of all the conditions around a particular activity. One way to become more sure is to go into your play consciously. Have conversations about your scenes, maybe take notes or even journal about them. This will help you become more aware of what is working and what your limits may be and why.

 

What does it mean to cancel same-day?

One of the banes of a Dominatrix’s existence is when people cancel their session the same day it’s to occur. The reason We loathe it is because it’s guaranteed to cost Us and mess things up. Sometimes in more ways than people may have ever considered.

You may not be aware of this, but sessions can involve quite a lot of preparation. In fact, it’s common that the time it takes Us to prepare for a session is greater than the length of the session itself. This means that when you make an appointment, We are agreeing to “front” you a lot of work with the expectation you will show up.

The is not unique to Dominatrices. Other professionals may spend a lot of time preparing for your “event”. Take attorneys and caterers, for example. You ask a lawyer to represent you in a case or a caterer to make the food for a private party. The lawyer must spend time learning everything about your situation, may do research, fill out and file paperwork, and prepare media, cross-examinations, negotiations, and more, to facilitate and increase the chance of your desired outcome. The caterer spends time discussing your needs, comes up with a custom menu, buys all the ingredients, prepares everything from scratch, stores it until needed, brings it to you, and attractively presents everything for your guests.

Now, imagine you decide on the day of the case or party that you want to cancel. All this work done to prepare for you is now being abandoned. When realizing they will have nothing to show for their work (more accurately, they will be at a loss), you will have a very angry lawyer and caterer on your hands. This is precisely why most professionals ask for a retainer or deposit. What kind of deposit they ask for depends on you, what you’re asking for, and what that professional knows about patterns of behavior and the risks in their own line of work.

What kind of work do We do before your event? To help others gain some insight, here are some of the things We Dominatrices may do to prepare for Our clients:

  • Haircut, hairstyling and/or dye
  • Manicure and/or pedicure
  • Foot spa treatment (foot fetishists usually prefer soft feet and this takes effort to maintain)
  • Facial
  • Waxing
  • Workouts
  • Makeup
  • Taking time off from another job, which might entail using vacation or sick time
  • Booking a dungeon or hotel room
  • Checking your reference(s), with multiple emails and/or phone calls
  • Buying something special for your appointment, such as wardrobe, shoes, food, drink, toys, etc.
  • Checking that equipment is safe and in good working order
  • Disinfecting and sterilizing equipment
  • Preparing the session, which can involve not only planning activities but the emotional and physical preparation related to them (for some sessions, this can take days)
  • Arranging for a security person to be present or accompany Us
  • Arranging for spouses/significant others/family to be out of the house
  • Hiring a babysitter
  • Hiring domestic services or coordinating a slave to clean Our house and/or dungeon for your arrival
  • Sequestering pets away
  • Stocking the bathroom shower with towels and toiletries, if needed
  • Turning down other clients who are asking for the same time slot
  • and more

Whether it’s labor, material goods, or money, Dommes invest in your session before you even arrive. So, when you decide not to show up? You literally cost Us. This is why many of Us have cancellation policies which reflect Our expectation that you follow through in the same way in which you are expecting Us.

Afraid to commit because you’re a commitment-phobe? Hey, that’s life for some people. Unfortunately, this will limit your options with Dominatrices. We commit to Our clients every day. Do you think We don’t have days where We really just don’t feel like sessioning and would rather be in a pajamas instead of latex and trade in Our stilettos for fuzzy slippers? It happens to all of Us. We still show up. So, if you can’t reciprocate, then We just may not be a good fit for you.

Or maybe you’re type who prefers to do these kinds of things when you get that emotional “hard-on”? I get it. I prefer having a boner for sessions, too. But the truth is: you don’t need to be under the influence of a Boner High to enjoy your session. In fact, waiting for that magic moment can bring trouble.

The problem is that the boner is a fickle little lad (or lassie). If you lose that boner between the point you ask for the session and the actual session, you will believe that you no longer want to session. You will then feel an impulse to cancel. If you let your boner make this decision, it will not consider how this affects the Domme and whatever financial, material, mental, and emotional resources She invested into preparing for your session. This will cause serious problems for you and those depending on you. This is when you may lose your deposit and be asked to pay tributes. (Just like the lawyer or caterer, work was done and resources used.)

And the people who are chronic cancelers? They develop a reputation as a flake. Flakes tend to get blacklisted. Blacklisted people don’t get to play with the pros. And you really do want to play with the pros — especially if you require a no-strings, confidential experience.

All this said, We know that sometimes you truly must cancel same day. As much as We wish it wouldn’t happen, We understand and accept that it’s a part of life. We just ask that you respect Us by adhering to the cancellation policies We have created in order to minimize the impact you may have on Us. Without minimizing this impact, We will suffer a significant financial and emotional toll. If the toll becomes too great, you lose Dominatrices.

So, please make good on your word. Making appointments is an extension of trust. You put your trust in Us, and We put Our trust in you. When you commit to a session, please follow through on that commitment. If you are not sure you are ready to commit, no problem; just wait until you are. Be courteous and responsible. We appreciate it. We appreciate you. Thank you.

Same-day sessions: what they are and when I may consider them

As I state on My protocol and contact pages, I don’t accept requests for “same day” sessions. Despite My making this clear right next to where I ask what date(s) someone is  interested in, I still receive requests for same day.

Since people continue to ask anyway, I assume this is because of one of two reasons:

  1. They do not understand what “same day” means.
  2. They think I’m not serious about the things I say and are ignoring Me.

Let Me address each of them.

1. If you ask for a session and it’s less than 24 hours from your requested session time, this is SAME DAY. This means if you are submitting an application at 11pm at night and want to session the next day at 3pm, that is less than 24 hours and therefore a same day request. It is not determined by your having asked before you or I go to bed, it is determined by clock hours.

2. I am serious. I am not looking to be ignored, challenged, or to be asked to make exceptions. I am looking for you to respect My approach to My craft, My boundaries, and to plan ahead just a little bit more.

Worried you won’t be feelin’ it on the day of your session? Unless you have a serious mood or anxiety disorder, which can make planning ahead difficult, I feel pretty confident that even if you don’t feel in the mood at the time of your appointment, once you are in My dungeon with Me, and I begin talking, you will very quickly will be.

So, Mistress, you never, ever consider same-day requests?

The ONLY time I’m willing to consider a same-day request is if you’re already a client. This means I’ve already sessioned with you at least once. If I have never sessioned with you, you are not yet a client.

If you are an existing client and would like to see if you can work a session in, please understand that I cannot guarantee I’ll be able to make it happen. I tend to schedule other appointments, errands, administrative work, family, friends, etc. around My sessions. So, it’s possible that My schedule just won’t be able to fit you in.

Things to know if you’re an existing client and you think you might like to ask:

  1. I am not usually available in the mornings. This means it is very unlikely I will get your 8am email asking for a noon session at the time you send it. In fact, I may not get it until after noon. Still, please feel free to try.
  2. Once I do receive your email, I need at least three hours to prepare. So, if you email at 9am, I get it at 1pm, the earliest I may be able to see you is 4pm.
  3. As applies to everyone, please do not ask for a session same-day and then cancel it. Unless you’re absolutely sure you can make it, do not book. Same-day cancellations often incur financial losses for Us, which We reasonably ask you to cover.

Mistress, why don’t you accept requests for same-day from people who are not yet clients?

If you’re already a client, it means you’ve been vetted. Being vetted means that you and I have completed the necessary process to ensure you’re trustworthy, reliable, and safe to play with. This can include: a phone consultation (this is mandatory for everyone), checking your references, getting a first-session deposit, etc. If you’re not yet a client, I have to do this before I’ll agree to invite you into My dungeon.

Often this process takes one or more days. If you ask Me to session in three-, eight-, or even twelve-hours’ time, this means I do not have the time needed to complete it. If I have not completed it, I will not be able to session with you until I do. Twenty-four hours is usually the minimum time needed to do everything I need to do to prepare for our session.

No, I don’t ever like to rush this. It’s not safe for Me and it’s not safe for My clients. If I don’t properly check that everyone is safe to play with, it can compromise the integrity of My practice. So–DO NOT ASK!

Mistress, why do other Dommes offer same-day?

Some Dommes work at houses. Houses operate differently than Us independent Dommes. Houses include multiple Dommes who work shifts. This increases the chance that someone will be available to see you on short notice. Because house Dommes are there and ready, in many ways They are already prepared for a session. Independents, on the other hand, are the singular Domme you are contacting and are by appointment. This decreases the chance that We will be available short notice and means We can’t pass you off to another Domme if We’re not. Since We’re not working shifts, We tend to structure our days differently. We also may prepare for Our sessions differently.

Also, houses often have different vetting procedures. Some may not require references. That can take having to waiting for verification out of the picture. (And, no, this does NOT mean you are safer and will have a more discreet experience.)

Once in a while you may see an independent Domme offer same-day availability. It’s possible that She is making shifts and getting Herself ready ahead of time in case a client would like to session. It’s also possible She does not have as stringent of vetting procedures as other Dommes. This can be helpful if you’re looking to see an independent on short notice, but it can also be at both your and Her risk.

“Topping From the Bottom”

“Topping from the bottom” is a phrase that you will inevitably hear if you spend any length of time in the kink scene. You will most likely hear it coming from a Dominant lamenting about this behavior and informing potential players that they do not tolerate it. While some understand what is meant by this phrase, I have encountered many – including seasoned players – who do not.

The first thing to understand is that the phrase “topping from the bottom” is actually a misnomer. It’s not really a bottom attempting to top (that doesn’t actually make sense), but a submissive attempting to Dominate. Because of this, it could more accurately be called “Domming as a sub”.

What does that mean, exactly?

To understand, you need to know the difference between being a top and a bottom and a Domme and a sub.

Top and bottom are positions. Someone in the top position is the one who creates sensation. Someone in the bottom position is the one who receives it. It infers nothing about who is in control of whom.

Dominant and submissive are, to put it simply, roles. The person in the Dominant role exercises control. The person in the submissive role relinquishes it. It infers nothing about what position someone assumes.

When someone agrees to relinquish control, it means they are not providing it. If you attempt to control your play partner(s) when you have agreed to give up that control, you are the equivalent of a back-seat driver.  “Put your hands at 10 and 2…go that way…drive faster…” You distract the driver away from driving. You annoy them. You may get them to pull over and ask why the hell you wanted them to drive in the first place.

People often are confused about how this figures into scenes. They ask, “How do I tell my Dominant what I like without ‘topping from the bottom’?

As I discuss in my article, “Sharing Your Interests Versus Giving a Script”, explaining what you enjoy is how we establish what we’re going to do together; it’s a necessary part of scene negotiation. Saying you enjoy rope bondage and floggers isn’t the same as telling someone how to tie you up and flog you. Of course, I’m not talking about establishing boundaries, also called “limits”, in order to feel comfortable and safe, such as “I can’t handle any more than two-point bondage” and “I only enjoy flogging on my butt”. That is something you should always do.

Once the scene begins, if you have agreed to assume a submissive role, what you have agreed to do is…submit! Though there may be minor adjustments which need to be made during a scene, such as letting your play partner know if you have reached a limit (something that might not be immediately obvious to them), assuming a submissive position means you are relinquishing control to your Dominant(s) for the activities you have negotiated.

What happens if you don’t want to submit?

Then it may be that you actually want to be the Dominant yourself, or you do not want a scene which involves power exchange.

In my experience, it’s actually pretty common for people who think that they are or want to be a submissive, in fact, are not or do not want that. They don’t usually realize this because they think that submitting and bottoming are synonymous. What I believe they truly want is a top — specifically, a service top. They want to instruct someone how to do things to them. This is where you will see “topping from the bottom” acted out.

Because this is so common, it’s why you will regularly hear exasperated Dommes exclaim, often in their first breath, “No topping from the bottom!” which you now know is really them saying, “Don’t say you want to be a submissive and then try to control me!”

The more you understand what it is you’re looking for and how to negotiate it, the less you will have this problem!

Don’t Be Fooled: Spotting Fakes and Scammers

Not sure how to figure out if the person you’re dealing with is who they say they are? How can you tell if they’re a fake person using stolen photos? Or someone who’s trying to scam you? Here are some tips to help you save time and possibly money.

I discuss the characteristics and patterns of fake profiles and scamming behavior, and how to protect yourself.

The cost of this guide is $5.

Please send this as an Amazon gift card to

GatMT

Please be sure to include your email address in the message field and it will be emailed to you.

 

Shaming Dominant Women Who Submit

There is a faction of men, and some women, who are very outspoken about their contempt for Dominant Women who enjoy submission. I have seen them stalk and harass such women, proclaiming, “She’s not a REAL Domme! She submits!” Aside from looking like a troll, there’s a clear lack of understanding about power exchange as it exists outside of their porn clips and fetish fantasies, as well as some possible double-standards and hidden misogyny. Let Me attempt to bring these people into the real world.

First of all, I want to say that I do not trust ANY Dominant — female, male, or otherwise — who claims to have never submitted and does not have an interest to do so. To Me, it’s a big ol’ red flag. It’s kinda like when you have a supervisor who has never done your job and has no interest in learning what you do, but they are happy to act like an authority about it and boss you around. Nobody likes these kind of people.

I believe that to be an effective and great Dominant, you need to experience submission. What does giving up power mean, how much are you willing to give, under what conditions are you able to let go, how do you feel and react when being given an order, what goes through your mind when you are pushed, and so on. This is important because having an experience as a submissive increases your empathy for submissives.

Likewise, to be a great top you need to understand what it means to bottom. If you want to use an implement on someone, you should know what it feels like to receive that implement (anatomical limitations aside). If you don’t understand the perspective of the person who is bottoming, your knowledge will be limited to what you can imagine their perspective being like. And, personally, despite My rich imagination, I can tell you that there really is no substitute for actually feeling a single tail yourself.

“But how can a woman say She’s Dominant but also be willing to submit? Dominant Women don’t submit! It’s against their nature! It invalidates Their Holy Dommliness!”

Here’s the reality: dominant men can kneel before Me, submit to My power for one, two, three or more hours, and at the conclusion of our scene, guess what? They get up off their knees and continue their lives as dominant men. Likewise, a Domme can relinquish control to another…and when She stops relinquishing that control, She’s still Dominant. People, like power, are things whose expression is multi-layered and dynamic.

One way power can be expressed is through an intrinsically “dominant” personality. You may have heard of “type A” personalities. These are dominant types. Their brain is wired in such a way that they are naturally take-charge people. They feel more comfortable in leadership roles, and being assertive and confrontational is usually easier for them.

Another way power is expressed is by making a conscious choice to express it in a given situation. If one makes a decision to take the advice of their doctor and have the surgery, this is actually an act of submission! However, agreeing to let someone else operate on you does not change your underlying personality — whether dominant, submissive, etc. — before, during, or after the procedure.

Also, like many men, women usually have requirements before they’ll agree to offer their submission. It might be only given during certain activities, definitely not during other activities, and there might even be conditions to “inspire” submission, without which they don’t feel the desire or ability to do so in the first place. Sometimes it’s a person’s sex or gender, sometimes their age or ethnicity, sometimes it’s physique or clothing, sometimes it’s money. I have heard several men tell Me that beauty inspires submission in them. Or height. Or intelligence. Or big tits. Or bitchiness. Or very high heels. Dommes who submit are pretty much guaranteed to have their own versions of these things. It’s all personal and valid.

If you’re asking yourself, “Why in the world would someone who is Dominant even feel a desire to submit in the first place? Isn’t that exactly what Dominant people don’t want to do?”  I think one reason why people feel this way is because they are, probably unconsciously, associating submission with weakness, humiliation, or because it’s a sign that someone is actually unable to effectively dominate. None of these are true.

Imagine a dominant male CEO who is responsible for leading his company and the people in it every flipping day. He’s very good at this, but it’s still a lot of pressure and it can wear a person out. Most people will want to find ways to manage the stress that is generated. We all tend to do this naturally; it’s part of our inclination to homeostasis. The more “on” and “in control” a person has to be in their lives, they more they might feel a need to do the opposite to find their equilibrium. (The inverse can be true for people in positions in which they lack power.) This is not weakness. It’s a function of emotional health. So, the CEO might find his equilibrium by going sailing, gambling at a casino, or visiting a Dominatrix.

It’s the same for a Domme. She might spend all week controlling Her subs’ every move; tying them down and doing all sorts of things to them “without their consent” and on the weekend think, “All these guys seemed so at peace afterward. I want to know what it’s like to be tied down and have things done to Me ‘against My will’. I want to take a break and give someone else the power to make the decisions.” And so, like the always-in-control CEO, She decides to release some pressure by situationally submitting to another.

The thing about this that shamers don’t seem to understand or care about is: the rope that ties Her down or the thing that does whatever to Her doesn’t magically change Her desire, ability, or wiring to be Dominant anymore than the CEO who gets on his knees and licks the bottom of My shiny black boots. These are just experiences people are having. It doesn’t fundamentally change who they are. (Well, it could have an effect on one’s consciousness and self-concept which can change over time, but that’s for another article.)

People also can submit just for fun. I mean, some of you do it for that reason, right? You’re not hardcore, “lifestyle” slaves, you just want to negotiate some activities and then let your Dominant make the decisions about what they look like for a couple hours. You enjoy the mystery, the suspense, even the “game”. It’s sexy. It’s a good time. Why would that be any different for a Domme?

Lastly, if a woman is really Dominant, She’s going to do whatever the hell She wants, anyway — whether someone thinks it’s okay or not. A person’s ignorance won’t change that, and any unexamined beliefs regarding women, dominance, submission, and how they relate to that person’s fantasies about those things are theirs to own and don’t necessarily have any bearing on reality. So stop shaming Dominant Women who submit.

 

Politics and FemDom

Since I was a child, I have been something of an activist. My main form of activism has been grassroots education. This means that I informally try to educate people. As in, I’m not actually a Teacher, but I try to teach. I (usually) don’t hold formal classrooms, I just “set-up shop” wherever.

One thing I tend to be concerned with is social issues and the politics around them. Some people don’t like to discuss politics. It makes them uncomfortable. I respect a person’s desire to bow out of things that make them uncomfortable, but I also like to ask people to think about how they are effected by such a decision.

One issue that occurs with education is that not everyone welcomes it. (*laugh*) It’s common that when you criticize some harmful idea that someone has, the person holding it will retaliate. (People who claim to not hold it sometimes retaliate, too.) Usually it’s in the form of verbal abuse, but also sometimes going so far as to make and carry out threats against you. Just because you’re talking about how something is shitty and hurts people in this world.

Recently, I had a new retaliation. Someone on Twitter said I was just “virtue signaling”. This means I like to grandstand My stance on something, post little pictures in support of things, but that I don’t actually do anything about them. Clearly, it’s meant to insult.

This was a first for Me. This person didn’t know Me well enough to make such a statement, and to know that I do more than just “talk” (not that talking can’t be valuable to an audience who remains in the dark), so it didn’t mean anything to Me, but it also showed how attempts to discuss things like sexism, homophobia, racism, transphobia,  etc, will attract misunderstanding.

Just before I began writing this, I was asked why I talk shit about men and that maybe I shouldn’t do that. This was obviously inspired by some of the things I’ve said on Twitter, where there is a literal sea of sexism waiting to drown you. (Actually, the sea is everywhere for women, if she doesn’t learn to keep her head up.) Twitter is actually a fantastic platform to share ideas (even if only 140 characters at a time). You can very quickly be “broadcasted” to millions of people. This can be helpful to get your ideas to a larger audience and have them think more critically about something, like sexism, for example.

So, do I hate men? Nothing is further from the truth.

First, I need to provide you with a basic keymap to My social commentary about this particular topic:

Men” = Patriarchal male. Note capital M to communicate that I’m talking about a particular kind of male.

Dude“, “Bro“, “Guys” = a subset of Patriarchal Men. Usually the types who are especially dumb, cocky, and like to mansplain.

men” = men without any cultural implications (e.g. their values, behavior). men are not inherently a problem.

There is a similar keymap for other topics I enjoy thinking about and discussing where I capitalize the culture and keep the people themselves lower case. Such as “White” and “white”. There is White culture, which actually contains many subcultures and practices which are not problematic but also some which are truly reprehensible, and there are also white people, who are not inherently anything. There are many other examples.

Anyway, this is a shorthand way of making a distinction between a human being and their culture. It’s not an original idea. You will see it used in other social-political critique/critical thinking/philosophy type places.

So, how do I feel about men? I’m pretty heavily into them. They’re nearly all of the people I play with (and therefore like). They’re nearly all of whom I have dated and partnered with in My life. Now, how do I feel about Men? Well, how do you think I feel about someone who believes themselves to be inherently superior to women? And who believes they should control how we think, feel, behave, dress, and reproduce? Just because they are men?

You may be wondering: do I ever criticize women? Absolutely. There are Patriarchal Women. I don’t like them either. However, because I’m a Dominant Women, My focus is on criticizing the majority of those who drive the Patriarchy (Men), a system which essentially loathes Women like Me. (I pretty heavily criticize Patriarchal Women in other spaces. Trust Me.)

Clearer now?

Also: When it comes to social/political commentary the rule of thumb is that if someone is saying something that does not apply to you personally, then they are talking about someone else.

Example: “Men need to stop trying to tell women that they can’t have abortions.”

If you see a statement like this, the first question to ask yourself is: Does this apply to you? Are you a man who believes that women should not be the ones who choose whether or not they must go through with a pregnancy? If you are one of those Men, then this person is talking about you. If you are not one of these Men, this person is not talking about you. Therefore, instead of becoming defensive, try to understand that you are not their intended audience and try to see the value in their perspective.

I feel that education is important work. As a Dominant Woman, the Patriarchy is of particular interest to Me. Since most of the people I play with express and explore very non-Patriarchal selves, it should be of interest to you, too. The Patriarchy is the very thing that causes men to feel shame about wanting to dress in “women’s” clothes, wanting to submit to a woman, wanting to be fucked in the ass, that being a “sensitive” and “caring” person makes you a “wimp” and “pussy” (note the misogyny in that word choice), and wanting to be touched and loved and accepted for who they really are.

So, when I criticize the Patriarchy, I’m actually not just doing it to liberate women, I’m doing it to liberate men, too.