Is it Mistress Tissa or a Scammer?

Worried that you’re actually talking to me and not a scammer?

I have good news for you: it’s VERY EASY to tell.

  1. Did someone randomly contact you and ask you for money? NOT ME. I will NEVER cold contact you for ANY reason and ask for a payment of any kind.

When will I ask for payment? When you ASK FOR A SESSION THROUGH MY WEBSITE. That’s it. Nowhere else. If you have not completed my form then I will never ask you for any kind of payment. It’s that simple.

That means I do not consider any messages through FetLife or Twitter or anywhere else as a legitimate request. In fact, they are ignored. Therefore, if someone is saying they’re me and they’re asking you for money through any site but mine IT IS NOT ME.

2. Did you receive an email and it is not from my domain, mistresstissa.com? NOT ME. I do not use emails with generic domains, such as Gmail, Yahoo, Hotmail, Mail, Protonmail, etc for my business correspondence.

3. Did you receive a text directly from a cell phone? NOT ME. I do not text people from my cell phone — EVER. I only text through NiteFlirt. This means you have to be logged onto NiteFlirt and contact me through their interface.

4. Did you randomly receive an instant message (IM)? NOT ME. The only time I use IM is when someone completes the session request form, asks for an IM session, and then sends tribute for it.

5. Did someone randomly tell you to call them directly? NOT ME. I will never ask to speak with you unless you request a session using the form on my contact page. I NEVER call people to book a session without first having the answers to the questions on my form. I will also NEVER call you or ask you to call me for casual chat through a direct phone line. The only time I will suggest casual chat is through NiteFlirt.

Mistress, how do I know the account I saw is actually you?

Here are the places I have an account:

That means I am not on:

  • OnlyFans*
  • clip-selling sites*, like Clips4Sale (if you see any of my little video clips anywhere but my site/blog or on Twitter, they’re pirated…in which case, please report them as stolen and certainly don’t pay for them as all my clips are free at this point)
  • Eros (I stopped using this site in 2018 after I heard some reports they became a clandestine government operation)
  • Facebook (I had a business page briefly set up in like 2015 but came to my senses and deleted it shortly thereafter)
  • Instagram*
  • Tumblr*
  • Tryst*
  • Seeking Arrangements*
  • CollarMe/CollarSpace (I used to have an account there but they deleted it because I made fun of how shitty the site is)
  • Alt.com*
  • Hot.com*
  • dating sites*, like OKCupid or Match (why the fuck would a Dominatrix be trying to get clients on a dating site?)
  • any escort sites* (because I’m not an escort)
  • anywhere else that is not listed above

(* never used)

Mistress, how do I know that the advertisement I saw is really you?

Here is where I have listings:

  • DickieVirgin.com
  • Mistress-Guide.com
  • Pandemos.net
  • DominaGuide.com
  • SeriousMistresses.com
  • Domina.ms
  • FetLife.com

In the event I’m forgetting some directory or posting, there is a very easy way to know if the link on a site is actually taking you to me: you will be directed to MISTRESSTISSA.COM. That is it. I do not have any other websites.

I’ve had a few people over the years mention being approached or scammed by someone pretending to me. This just happened yesterday. The gentlemen was contacted on a site I have never used. He went so far as to send a deposit to this person.

If you gentlemen would listen to us pros when we tell you to go to our websites and read them, you would learn how we do business. If you learned how we do business, you would learn how we DON’T do business and you would save yourself from being scammed by an impersonator.

If this is all too difficult for you to process, remember this simple rule:

If someone claims to be us and is asking you for money — STOP. Go look up our website. Then contact us through our site to confirm it is us BEFORE YOU EVER SEND ANY MONEY.

If you do not do this and get scammed you cannot blame me or pro Dommes in general. We have warned you time and time again.

What It’s Like To Be a Dominatrix

People sometimes say that “sex work is easy”, of which, by nature of it being an erotic job, a Dominatrix falls under.

How hard can it be to be a Dominatrix, you say? You put on a catsuit, boots, whip someone while telling them what a loser they are…while raking in a lot of cash, right? Anyone can do that!

If only it was that easy!

First, you gotta get set up: come up with a name, develop a brand, decide on a location, create a website, establish your email, set up a phone number, are you going to own your own studio (how much money do you have to invest?) or are you going to rent (assuming there’s someone to rent from in your area), what activities are you offering, when are you offering it (part-time, full-time, early mornings to late nights), knowing about risk, law, managing business expenses, and taxes. (Contrary to what people say, we have to pay taxes, too.) Tired yet? But you haven’t even gotten started!

Now, you need to get yourself noticed. Expect to create a steady stream of content, which takes hours to prep for, write/shoot, edit, post, and distribute. Are you going to pay a professional photographer or do it yourself? Do you have the right photography equipment? Do you have editing software? Do you know how to use it? Don’t forget to watermark! Pirates will be out there ready to steal your pics, videos, and likeness so they can try to scam someone with your hard work. So either you’re either going to learn how to track it down and get sites to remove it (hint: it usually involves paperwork and sometimes proof that the content is yours), hire an attorney or piracy service, or ignore it and hope it doesn’t tarnish your reputation. (Pirated video will cut into your revenue.)

You’ll also need a decent wardrobe. Like latex or leather? It can run in the hundreds (or more) for 1 piece. Latex is popular with clients but it can rip easily so be prepared for that session where you ruin your $500 catsuit. Shoes? Depends. Usually, 100 & up per pair. Want some of those fancy red-bottomed Louboutins everyone is horny over? Around 1000 per pair.

Running your own studio, like I am? Be prepared to spend thousands of dollars on furniture, gear, consumables, cleaning supplies, utility bills, etc. I’ve spent over 10k on equipment alone. And don’t forget maintenance. You will need to repair or replace things periodically.

OK, now you need clients. How do you get them? Gotta know how to market in a competitive field. I don’t use OF or sell videos, so I have a narrower opportunity for exposure. How do I get people to find me? Website (you’ve got to pay someone or make your own). Directories and forums. Social media, where you need to be constantly active to be seen, while simultaneously facing constant censorship and the possibility of your account being deleted without warning.

Do you know how you’re going to get paid? Especially when there are ZERO payment processors that allow you to use their system to accept payments for adult-themed sessions? That’s right: no PayPal, no Venmo, no Stripe, no Google Pay, no Apple Pay, no…you name it. If you do it and they find out they could confiscate your money and ban you. (No joke. It’s happened to several people.) You could have people send it through the more adult-friendly channels like NiteFlirt, SpankPay, Erotifix, etc. but that’s a risk, too, because even they don’t want you to use them as a payment vehicle for face-to-face sessions. (If you do use them for any reason, be prepared for their cut to be 20-35% versus a standard business payment processor’s ~3%.) And how are you going to manage the clients who say they can’t have a “paper trail”? They often ask to pay with a gift card. Are you going to accept gifts cards from all these people? How will you pay rent or your utilities?

Skills? You better have them. Or you won’t get repeat business. Hoping someone awesome will mentor you for free? Very unlikely. Most of us don’t have the time or interest because many Domme hopefuls underestimate the work and will either not take it seriously or disappear. Who wants invest any of their (limited) time into what is very likely to be a net loss for us? Be prepared to find and pay someone who will teach you. Acquire books and videos, attend classes, workshops, and conventions. More expenses.

Going to offer a specialized activity? Like medical or heavy rubber? Expect to invest a big chunk of money into it — and a big chunk of time with the specialized cleaning that kind of gear requires. (Ever washed and dried a 7 by 4 foot heavy rubber sack by hand, inside and out? That’s the reality of vac bed maintenance.) Maybe you’re going to do something less intense like foot worship? Foot fetishists usually want pedicured feet. That will be an additional, regular investment to keep your feet soft and looking pretty.

Do you know how to do things safely? Do you know the risks of the various health conditions of the clients you will get? What about medications? Do you know which ones affect the kinds of activities you can do safely, within whatever limits they provide? Do you know how to handle a medical emergency? Fainting? Panic attack? Cardiac arrest?

Got someone interested in you? Fantastic. How do you know who to accept for a session? How do you screen them? Do you know warning signs? Do you know what questions to ask to be able to do this work safely and effectively?

They showed up? Congrats — this one wasn’t a no-show! Now what kind of security do you have? You do know we have a higher risk for harassment, stalking, assault, rape, and murder, right? You might want to learn some self-defense.

Now it’s time to run the session. Know what to do? The person booked 4 hours. Do you know how to entertain someone for 4 hours straight? How do you make them want to come back? You need people to come back or you won’t be able to do this full time.

Done! Not so fast. Time for cleaning. You will spend hours doing this. And you can’t just wipe things down with butt wipes, you have to disinfect and sterilize so your clients don’t end up with infections and disease. (Don’t expect clients to be honest about what they may have.) Oops — ran out of chux, gloves, lube, disinfectant, bleach, etc? Time to order more supplies (a constant expense).

Uh-oh, got a problem client? What if they keep touching you in the session when you asked them not to? What if they keep showing up at your studio, unannounced? What if they start making threats? How are you going handle this?

Got through that all? Great. Now, time to do it all over again. And again. And again. And don’t expect success right away. While I did pretty well in my first year (had a plan), it wasn’t until around year 5 that I really felt established in my field. (YMMV.) Expect that once the sense of glamor wears off that aspects of this will feel more and more like a job. Expect to go through phases when you really don’t like those aspects. You will need to learn how to manage this or it will lead to burnout.

SO! While each type of SW has its own requirements, none are “easy”. Being a Dominatrix is the most expensive form of SW & requires a specialized skill set, including understanding how to do very risky activities that could severely injure or kill someone. It involves a lot of time, cash, and dedication.

So, do you still think it’s “easy”?

The More You Know 🌈

Cleaning: Know What You’re Doing

I always have a pretty strong suspicion that someone doesn’t understand how to properly clean when they say something like,

“I always sterilize my furniture.”

Someone

…because you can’t sterilize furniture.

You should know this stuff before you ever accept a client. You don’t want your ignorance about what you’re doing to set up conditions for someone to get an infection or develop a disease.

Learn about universal precautions. And then use them.

Know Your Limits

When you approach me for a scene please make sure that you can tell me your limits, not just your interests. Lately, I have noticed more people are not prepared and don’t know what theirs are. They’re approaching me for a session and have sometimes no idea about what they’re not okay with.

For my play-style, this is a problem. Your limits are actually more important than your interests as they tell me important boundaries that I cannot cross. This is essential for me to know so I, you know, don’t cross them.

What’s happening is that during the scene consultation I start asking about limits and I’m getting “I’m not sure” or “I don’t know” kind of answers. Then I’m spending valuable time asking if this or that is okay when I should be spending it on other things. The consultation is not the place for me to help you figure out your own rules but to ask you clarifying questions about them, if needed. Figuring things out can take a lot of time and will quickly eat up the call.

If you’re not aware, there are (at least) two categories of limits: “hard” and “soft”. Everyone seems to be in agreement that “hard” are things that are completely off the table, but “soft” has some confusion. I see most people define it as “things you don’t really like doing but will do if the Mistress wants to do them”. I don’t think that definition makes sense as you are not telling me a limit but a preference. A limit is a boundary. There is no boundary in that you don’t really like wax play but will do it if I like it. So, I define “soft” as something that falls between being completely OKAY or completely NOT OKAY.

In short:

HARD limit: done under NO conditions.
SOFT limit: done under CERTAIN conditions.

For example:

If femme play (aka “feminization”) was a hard limit it means you’re not okay with any kind of femme play. There are no conditions by which you’re willing to do anything femme related.

If femme had a soft limit, it means you have specific conditions around it. It could be that you’re only okay with panties OR panties and stockings OR everything but makeup, etc.

If femme play has no limits, then you’re okay with anything femme related.

I realize that new players may honestly not yet know their limits. I get that. However, you still should have some idea of what you are absolutely not interested in incorporating into a scene, or even what kinds of things you’d be okay with as much as you can imagine having them done to you.

I have hard new players say things like, “Mistress, I’ve never done bondage before. I think I’d be okay if you tied my wrists or ankles down but I’m not sure about both yet.” You have just given me a soft limit.

If you’re having a difficult time coming up with your list a good place to start is my interests page. Go through the things I have listed there and add anything that you would not want in a scene to your hard limits or things that you have particular requirements about to your soft limits. Don’t worry about being afraid that you don’t get it right or that you end up wanting or not wanting to do something. You can change your limits at any time. But you should have this ready when you ask to play with someone. All good players — tops and bottoms — should be familiar with their partner’s limits.

If you would like personalized help I recommend scheduling a coaching call with me before you ask for a scene. I can go through a variety of things with you and we can hone in on your boundaries. I’m very good at this so you can feel confident that you will learn something about yourself during our call.

So, again, PLEASE BE PREPARED!

Article: Kinky Sex Could Be the Secret to Your Success

“Many successful visionaries throughout history, from artists to scientists and even politicians, have had well-documented kinks and fetishes that affected how they operated in their daily lives.

A wave of recent research has confirmed this: If it’s something you desire in the first place, kinky sex can benefit you not just in the bedroom, but outside of it as well. “Unconventional” sexual practices and fantasies, such as BDSM, group sex, or role play, have been shown to reduce psychological stress, improve mental health and can help with satisfying and communicative relationships. Kinky people have also been found to have higher self-worth than those who are too afraid or ashamed to pursue their fantasies

People who engage in BDSM and kink have been found to be happier, more conscientious and less neurotic than people who don’t engage in so-called “deviant” sex. “

More confirmation of what many of us have known all along: kink is healthy and has tangible benefits.

Full article here: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12231118/how-kinky-sex-leads-to-career-success/ (worth the read)

Position, Role, and Fetishism

I believe one of the most pervasive misunderstandings in kink is the difference between top and bottom, Dominant and submissive, and fetishism. In My experience, this confusion is not limited to people who are new to the culture, but people who have been involved in it for many years and don’t quite seem to know what they are and which apply to them. Because I think it is a fundamental aspect to concise negotiations and overall better experiences, allow Me to explain.

The first thing that is helpful to think about is that our experiences are multi-dimensional. Whether that experience is kinky or not, there is never just one thing going on at a time. Even if you’re just sitting there, breathing, your body is completing a multitude of tasks at once: your heart is beating, your body temperature is being regulated, and your immune system is on alert. Likewise, in kink, there is more than one thing going on. Three of those things are the focus of this article.

The three things are: topping and bottoming, or what I’ll call “position”; Dominance and submission, or what I’ll call “role”; and fetishism. While they all relate to one another, they have distinct differences which are helpful to understand, not only for self-awareness but when seeking out others for play. Understanding which concepts best describe you can help you hone in on who and what it is you’re looking for.

First, I’ll define position. When someone assumes the active position in play, we call that person the “top”. This is the person who provides the sensation, physically and/or emotionally. This means it’s the person who is spanking, tying, spitting, humiliating, or penetrating. The complement is the person who assumes the passive position, what is called the “bottom”. This person receives the sensation, physically and/or emotionally, that the top is providing. This means it’s the person being spanked, being tied, being spit upon, being humiliated, or being penetrated. Of course, one can do both, and when someone does they’re called a “switch” or “versatile”. Note that this doesn’t say anything more than who is giving and who is receiving.

Next, we have role. Consider that in life, there are people whose role is to lead or assume control and there are people whose role is to follow or to relinquish control. This dynamic applies to kinky play as well. The person who leads or controls play is called a “Dominant”. Dominants make the decisions about how and when the spanking, tying, spitting, humiliating, or penetrating will take place. The person who follows or is controlled in play is called a “submissive”. A submissive is not there to make the decisions about how and when the (negotiated) activities occur, their role is to submit to the decisions of the Dominant. In BDSM culture, we call this dynamic “D/s”, which is short for “Dominant/submissive” or “Dominance/submission”.  It’s what the middle two letters in BDSM stand for. (There is another dynamic which we call “M/s”, which is short for Mistress/slave or Master/slave, and is another form of power exchange which has different expectations, but I’m not going to go into that here.) Note that this doesn’t say anything about who is creating or receiving the sensation; only who is in control of it.

Lastly, there’s fetishism. When the term “fetish” was first introduced in the early 20th century, it was used to describe something that needed to be present in order for someone to feel sexual arousal. Since then, it’s grown beyond its clinical beginnings to more broadly encompass something that is not considered inherently sexual but causes sexual arousal, such as shoes, being put in a diaper, being tied to a chair, or being slapped in the face. And now, we also have a pop culture concept of “fetish” which can be anything someone is fixated on, including things we think of as sexual.

A fetish is a subjective experience. What is a fetish for one person may not be for another. Because it is subjective, it will therefore involve personal variables about what, when, and how the fetish manifests. Fetishes may be common between people, such as seeing a woman put on pantyhose, or be unique to that individual, such as that it must be Mistress Belinda putting on nude, Cuban-heel, thigh-high stockings with black contrast. Note that this says nothing about giving or receiving, or about power dynamics, just arousal.

Now, I’ll describe some of the confusion people seem to have with these layers.

Probably the most common misunderstanding I see is the conflation of position and role. While it is common for the person assuming the top position to also be the Dominant, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes a person can control the way in which they receive sensation. If Mistress Belinda says, “Lick My stockings!” how would we describe her position and role? Well, because Mistress Belinda is both dictating the action and receiving the licking, she is acting as a Dominant bottom. The party that is agreeing to follow Her command and provide the licking is acting as a submissive top. Another term you may hear used to describe a submissive top is “service top”. This person submits to requests/orders/control about how they will provide sensation to another.

Perhaps the second most common misunderstanding is the difference between wanting to assume a role and wanting to assume a position. It is common that people who say they want to Dominate or submit don’t actually want to do those things at all. Someone may say they’re submissive, but what they really want is to bottom. That is, they want someone to take the active role in creating sensations for them, not submit to someone else’s control about how those sensations happen. Likewise, some who consider themselves “Dominant” are really tops, in that they enjoy creating sensation for others, but they want someone to tell them what they want them to do, and then they’ll do it.

Maybe the third most common misunderstanding is the confusion between what it means to actually exchange power and to fetishize it. There are many people who say they want a Dominant or submissive, whether it be for play or a relationship, but what is really going on is that they actually just have a fetish for it. What does that mean, exactly?

Submissive and slave, like Dominant and Mistress/Master, are words we use to describe the way power is exchanged. Fetishism is not about power, it’s about arousal. Because a fetish is about arousal, to fetishize something is to be aroused by one’s own subjective perceptions about a person or object. It’s a form of appropriation, or assigning a value to something based on one’s own feelings or beliefs about it rather than what it actually is. For example, being aroused by someone with glasses because they’re assumed to be more intelligent or by a person with blonde hair because they’re assumed to be less; certain ethnicities because they are “exotic”; or Dominant women because they are believed to exist to be a service top to men’s sexual fantasies.

Since a person’s ideas and fantasies may in no way reflect the reality of the person or object, it is said the person or object is being fetishized. While fetishizing something is normal, it can be problematic. People may not welcome someone’s fetishization of them. This is not only because it’s appropriation, but because it’s a form of objectification. Nonconsensual objectification to serve another’s erotic and sexual desires is dehumanizing. This is why I believe it is especially important for fetishists to understand their motivations and responsibly negotiate them. Without this awareness, you are treading in very touchy terrain.

An example that encapsulates the three areas of this article is a man who identifies as a “submissive” and wants a “Dominant” woman that dresses, acts, feels, and speaks in the way that he desires. In actuality, this man is fetishizing a woman who he would like to control into being what he wants her to be. So, this man who thinks he’s a “sub” is actually a Dominant fetishist. If he wants her to do things to him, such as “tease and denial”, he’s also a bottom. If he wants to do things to her, such as body worship, he’s also a top. This relates to what we call “topping from the bottom“, a misnomer that really refers to “Dominating from the submissive role”. I can tell you that as lifestyle and professional Dominant with over a decade of experience playing with a lot of men, this is a very common situation.

So, what is happening here?

Many men seem to find the idea of being controlled by a woman to be sexually arousing, but the actuality of it is not what they are really looking for. There is a disparity between their fantasy of what She is like and the reality. This fantasy is often the result of the influence of media, such as pornography, on one’s ideas and perceptions.

Let me talk a little bit more about how porn can help create this situation.

Porn is a business, and its business is to arouse. Those who create porn must think of what arouses their audience. If their audience is men, they need to understand their fantasies. Since a person’s fantasies put them at the center, they do not necessarily reflect reality, where they aren’t the sole participant but part of an equation and set of circumstances with one or more people. (This isn’t a male or erotic phenomenon, by the way, but a natural byproduct of fantasy itself.)

In a FemDom clip, for example, the idea isn’t so much about depicting a woman actually being in control, as it is about her embodying what they think their (male) audience  wants her to be like. This is why it is common for Female Dominants to encounter men who expect Us to simply act out their fantasies without little to no regard about our part of the equation. (And, yes, Dominants can also be confused by the fantasy of what they believe they are supposed to be.)

The mixture of not understanding these concepts and the blurring between what is fantasy and what is reality can add to the confusion of who you are and what you are trying to accomplish. If you recognize what it means to be Dominated versus being be topped, or if what you are really feeling is a fetish, you will be able to find a more comfortable space in which to explore your kinks and further refine your experiences.

If you would like help figuring out your own kinky identity, I offer high-quality, personalized coaching.

Booking a scene with Me while I’m attending DomCon

You may have noticed that I don’t travel a lot. Or if I do it’s more of the “leisure” variety. So, if you reside in the Los Angeles area and don’t come My way often (if at all), or you will be attending DomCon, and would like to have an experience with Me while I’m there between May 8th and 13th, here are some things to think about:MistressTissa_Sultry_crop

  1. Consider your scene. What you want to do might work better on different days or at different times. Note: I will not be taking any scenes over 4 hours.
    • May 8: Good for private dungeon scenes or a hotel scene. I am coming in a day early to offer scenes without the distraction of the convention. I’m willing to session from multiple dungeons in LA.
    • May 9 – 13 evenings: Good for hotel room scenes. Hotel rooms can be versatile but are especially good environments for roleplays that might feel better outside of some dungeon settings, such as domestic, bedroom, office, kidnap, interrogation. I will be attending the events during the morning and afternoon on these days, so My time will be limited to 8pm – midnight.
    • May 11 and 12 evenings: These are the nights of Sanctuary’s two play parties. These are busy events with people playing everywhere. These are best for people who want public scenes, such as exhibitionists and those looking for scenes involving humiliation and/or service.
  2. Consider My specialties. I’m a Domme who naturally has a wide variety of interests and skills, including a strong aptitude for understanding psychology. Some of My scene specialties are authentic Domination/power exchange (as opposed to service topping), emotional intensity, humiliation and degradation (from playful to ruthless), rough body play, “beatdowns”, impact, and psychodramas (My approach is realism over fetishism). I also offer unique takes through My practices of Foot Domination (as opposed to “Foot Worship”) and Sensual Sadism (what others may call “Tease and Denial”).MistressTissa_NippleBitch_c
  3. I’m open to scenes involving two or more Dommes. There will be a quite a lot of Dommes from all over the world attending the conference. This is one of those rare opportunities to scene with more than one Domme that might rarely — if ever — come in contact with one another. So, take advantage of what might be a one-time opportunity. If you have an idea of what Domme(s) you’d like Me co-conspiring with, let Me know and I’ll inquire if They’re available and interested in your scene.
  4. Book in advance. If you plan ahead a bit, you’re more likely to get the time you want and I can make sure I bring specific things to craft your scene. Also, I prefer it because I don’t like rushing. Art should not be rushed, dahling! 😉
  5. Be aware of deadlines. The latest I will be able to accept an application before I leave Philadelphia is May 5th. This allows one day to speak with you and pack what I need for our scene before I leave for Los Angeles. The 7th will be too late. Once I’ve left Philadelphia, you are welcome to inquire, but you will have to be content with whatever clothes, shoes, and gear I’ve decided to bring.

 

Feeling hesitant because you don’t feel like you know enough about Me? Take a look at My website.

Concerned that I may not be a good Domme? Take a look at My testimonials.

Ready to request a scene? Inquire here.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Mistress Tissa

 

Hard Limits and Soft Limits

If you have spent any time experimenting with BDSM, you probably very quickly heard the term “hard limit”. Hopefully, you also heard about its close relative the “soft limit”. While they are both refer to limitations placed on the activities performed during scenes, they mean different things.

Before I discuss what they are, I want to mention that people have varying definitions of what they mean. So, you may run into explanations that differ from mine. This is how I define them.

First, I want to talk about a couple of common misconceptions. The first is that people (usually newer players) think that “hard” and “soft” refer to a to a scale of play intensity. So, when asked about their hard and soft limits, will say something like, “medium”. Another even more common idea is that a soft limit refers to something you have done and might not like very much, such as CBT or electrical stimulation (“e-stim”). Often this is followed by a, “but I’m okay doing it if you enjoy it, Mistress.” Those are not soft limits, they are preferences. Limits have to do with boundaries.

Then, what is a soft limit and how does it differ from a hard one?

A hard limit is non-negotiable. It is something you are not willing to do under any circumstances. This can be a never, ever kind of thing or it could be only for this one scene you’re negotiating with this one person(s) you’re about to play with.

A soft limit is negotiable but within certain parameters. It is something you are willing to do as long as certain conditions are met. Like a hard limit, a soft limit can be something that is static across time or it may depend on the scene and who’s involved in that scene.

Hard and soft limits apply to both physical or mental/emotional activities. Some examples of physical hard limits could be impact play, spitting, or anal stimulation. Turning the above examples into physical soft limits could be liking impact but only on your butt;  liking spitting, but not on your face; or enjoying anal stimulation as long as there is no penetration. Some emotional hard limits could be degradation, abandonment, or brainwashing. Turning these into emotional soft limits could be finding it hot to be called a slur as long as it’s playful and not “mean”; liking to be abandoned as a part of your scene but only if followed by a particular type of aftercare; or enjoying being verbally brainwashed about what your gender is but not your sexuality.

An easy way to determine if a limit on an activity is hard or soft is to ask yourself: “Am I willing to do this activity under ANY circumstances?” If the answer is NO, then you have discovered a hard limit. If the answer is YES, and you have specific requirements that must be met in order for you to do it, then you have identified a soft limit.

When you realize that you are willing to do an activity in some instances, think carefully about what those instances are. Imagine what circumstances would need to occur in order to allow something to be done or said to you. Inversely, imagine what circumstances would absolutely stop you from wanting to do it.

People often seem confused about the circumstances part. I regularly have people tell Me something like, “I have a hard limit on marks. They can’t last more than a day.” What you have actually just told Me is that you have a soft limit on marks. The reason is because you’re actually okay with being marked, it’s just that those marks have conditions. The condition is that they last no more than a day. If you could not be marked at all — that is, you cannot leave the session with a trace of anything — then it would become a hard limit.

Some limits are very clear for people and some limits are not. Physical limits are usually easier to determine. Emotional limits, on the other hand, are often nebulous territory. It’s common for people to say they are unsure about their emotional limits. They may indicate they enjoy being degraded, for example, but are not really sure where that enjoyment may end. Then, someday, during a scene, they hear a word or phrase or end up feeling a certain way after a particular scenario and realize they have just discovered at least one fence post in the field of their emotional landscape.

It’s okay if you’re not sure about what your limits are. Even experienced players may not be sure of what they will enjoy — especially with a new play partner — or be aware of all the conditions around a particular activity. One way to become more sure is to go into your play consciously. Have conversations about your scenes, maybe take notes or even journal about them. This will help you become more aware of what is working and what your limits may be and why.

 

What does it mean to cancel same-day?

One of the banes of a Dominatrix’s existence is when people cancel their session the same day it’s to occur. The reason We loathe it is because it’s guaranteed to cost Us and mess things up. Sometimes in more ways than people may have ever considered.

You may not be aware of this, but sessions can involve quite a lot of preparation. In fact, it’s common that the time it takes Us to prepare for a session is greater than the length of the session itself. This means that when you make an appointment, We are agreeing to “front” you a lot of work with the expectation you will show up.

The is not unique to Dominatrices. Other professionals may spend a lot of time preparing for your “event”. Take attorneys and caterers, for example. You ask a lawyer to represent you in a case or a caterer to make the food for a private party. The lawyer must spend time learning everything about your situation, may do research, fill out and file paperwork, and prepare media, cross-examinations, negotiations, and more, to facilitate and increase the chance of your desired outcome. The caterer spends time discussing your needs, comes up with a custom menu, buys all the ingredients, prepares everything from scratch, stores it until needed, brings it to you, and attractively presents everything for your guests.

Now, imagine you decide on the day of the case or party that you want to cancel. All this work done to prepare for you is now being abandoned. When realizing they will have nothing to show for their work (more accurately, they will be at a loss), you will have a very angry lawyer and caterer on your hands. This is precisely why most professionals ask for a retainer or deposit. What kind of deposit they ask for depends on you, what you’re asking for, and what that professional knows about patterns of behavior and the risks in their own line of work.

What kind of work do We do before your event? To help others gain some insight, here are some of the things We Dominatrices may do to prepare for Our clients:

  • Haircut, hairstyling and/or dye
  • Manicure and/or pedicure
  • Foot spa treatment (foot fetishists usually prefer soft feet and this takes effort to maintain)
  • Facial
  • Waxing
  • Workouts
  • Makeup
  • Taking time off from another job, which might entail using vacation or sick time
  • Booking a dungeon or hotel room
  • Checking your reference(s), with multiple emails and/or phone calls
  • Buying something special for your appointment, such as wardrobe, shoes, food, drink, toys, etc.
  • Checking that equipment is safe and in good working order
  • Disinfecting and sterilizing equipment
  • Preparing the session, which can involve not only planning activities but the emotional and physical preparation related to them (for some sessions, this can take days)
  • Arranging for a security person to be present or accompany Us
  • Arranging for spouses/significant others/family to be out of the house
  • Hiring a babysitter
  • Hiring domestic services or coordinating a slave to clean Our house and/or dungeon for your arrival
  • Sequestering pets away
  • Stocking the bathroom shower with towels and toiletries, if needed
  • Turning down other clients who are asking for the same time slot
  • and more

Whether it’s labor, material goods, or money, Dommes invest in your session before you even arrive. So, when you decide not to show up? You literally cost Us. This is why many of Us have cancellation policies which reflect Our expectation that you follow through in the same way in which you are expecting Us.

Afraid to commit because you’re a commitment-phobe? Hey, that’s life for some people. Unfortunately, this will limit your options with Dominatrices. We commit to Our clients every day. Do you think We don’t have days where We really just don’t feel like sessioning and would rather be in a pajamas instead of latex and trade in Our stilettos for fuzzy slippers? It happens to all of Us. We still show up. So, if you can’t reciprocate, then We just may not be a good fit for you.

Or maybe you’re type who prefers to do these kinds of things when you get that emotional “hard-on”? I get it. I prefer having a boner for sessions, too. But the truth is: you don’t need to be under the influence of a Boner High to enjoy your session. In fact, waiting for that magic moment can bring trouble.

The problem is that the boner is a fickle little lad (or lassie). If you lose that boner between the point you ask for the session and the actual session, you will believe that you no longer want to session. You will then feel an impulse to cancel. If you let your boner make this decision, it will not consider how this affects the Domme and whatever financial, material, mental, and emotional resources She invested into preparing for your session. This will cause serious problems for you and those depending on you. This is when you may lose your deposit and be asked to pay tributes. (Just like the lawyer or caterer, work was done and resources used.)

And the people who are chronic cancelers? They develop a reputation as a flake. Flakes tend to get blacklisted. Blacklisted people don’t get to play with the pros. And you really do want to play with the pros — especially if you require a no-strings, confidential experience.

All this said, We know that sometimes you truly must cancel same day. As much as We wish it wouldn’t happen, We understand and accept that it’s a part of life. We just ask that you respect Us by adhering to the cancellation policies We have created in order to minimize the impact you may have on Us. Without minimizing this impact, We will suffer a significant financial and emotional toll. If the toll becomes too great, you lose Dominatrices.

So, please make good on your word. Making appointments is an extension of trust. You put your trust in Us, and We put Our trust in you. When you commit to a session, please follow through on that commitment. If you are not sure you are ready to commit, no problem; just wait until you are. Be courteous and responsible. We appreciate it. We appreciate you. Thank you.

Same-day sessions: what they are and when I may consider them

As I state on My protocol and contact pages, I don’t accept requests for “same day” sessions. Despite My making this clear right next to where I ask what date(s) someone is  interested in, I still receive requests for same day.

Since people continue to ask anyway, I assume this is because of one of two reasons:

  1. They do not understand what “same day” means.
  2. They think I’m not serious about the things I say and are ignoring Me.

Let Me address each of them.

1. If you ask for a session and it’s less than 24 hours from your requested session time, this is SAME DAY. This means if you are submitting an application at 11pm at night and want to session the next day at 3pm, that is less than 24 hours and therefore a same day request. It is not determined by your having asked before you or I go to bed, it is determined by clock hours.

2. I am serious. I am not looking to be ignored, challenged, or to be asked to make exceptions. I am looking for you to respect My approach to My craft, My boundaries, and to plan ahead just a little bit more.

Worried you won’t be feelin’ it on the day of your session? Unless you have a serious mood or anxiety disorder, which can make planning ahead difficult, I feel pretty confident that even if you don’t feel in the mood at the time of your appointment, once you are in My dungeon with Me, and I begin talking, you will very quickly will be.

So, Mistress, you never, ever consider same-day requests?

The ONLY time I’m willing to consider a same-day request is if you’re already a client. This means I’ve already sessioned with you at least once. If I have never sessioned with you, you are not yet a client.

If you are an existing client and would like to see if you can work a session in, please understand that I cannot guarantee I’ll be able to make it happen. I tend to schedule other appointments, errands, administrative work, family, friends, etc. around My sessions. So, it’s possible that My schedule just won’t be able to fit you in.

Things to know if you’re an existing client and you think you might like to ask:

  1. I am not usually available in the mornings. This means it is very unlikely I will get your 8am email asking for a noon session at the time you send it. In fact, I may not get it until after noon. Still, please feel free to try.
  2. Once I do receive your email, I need at least three hours to prepare. So, if you email at 9am, I get it at 1pm, the earliest I may be able to see you is 4pm.
  3. As applies to everyone, please do not ask for a session same-day and then cancel it. Unless you’re absolutely sure you can make it, do not book. Same-day cancellations often incur financial losses for Us, which We reasonably ask you to cover.

Mistress, why don’t you accept requests for same-day from people who are not yet clients?

If you’re already a client, it means you’ve been vetted. Being vetted means that you and I have completed the necessary process to ensure you’re trustworthy, reliable, and safe to play with. This can include: a phone consultation (this is mandatory for everyone), checking your references, getting a first-session deposit, etc. If you’re not yet a client, I have to do this before I’ll agree to invite you into My dungeon.

Often this process takes one or more days. If you ask Me to session in three-, eight-, or even twelve-hours’ time, this means I do not have the time needed to complete it. If I have not completed it, I will not be able to session with you until I do. Twenty-four hours is usually the minimum time needed to do everything I need to do to prepare for our session.

No, I don’t ever like to rush this. It’s not safe for Me and it’s not safe for My clients. If I don’t properly check that everyone is safe to play with, it can compromise the integrity of My practice. So–DO NOT ASK!

Mistress, why do other Dommes offer same-day?

Some Dommes work at houses. Houses operate differently than Us independent Dommes. Houses include multiple Dommes who work shifts. This increases the chance that someone will be available to see you on short notice. Because house Dommes are there and ready, in many ways They are already prepared for a session. Independents, on the other hand, are the singular Domme you are contacting and are by appointment. This decreases the chance that We will be available short notice and means We can’t pass you off to another Domme if We’re not. Since We’re not working shifts, We tend to structure our days differently. We also may prepare for Our sessions differently.

Also, houses often have different vetting procedures. Some may not require references. That can take having to waiting for verification out of the picture. (And, no, this does NOT mean you are safer and will have a more discreet experience.)

Once in a while you may see an independent Domme offer same-day availability. It’s possible that She is making shifts and getting Herself ready ahead of time in case a client would like to session. It’s also possible She does not have as stringent of vetting procedures as other Dommes. This can be helpful if you’re looking to see an independent on short notice, but it can also be at both your and Her risk.