Online Class Reformat

I’ve decided to change things a bit.

Instead of one course, I’m going to offer a “Kinky College” series:

BDSM 101: FOUNDATIONS will now become BDSM 201: PSYCHOLOGY.

BDSM 101: Foundations will have a content change. New description:

This is no boring 101 class! Here you will learn the foundational elements of this thing we call “BDSM”, such as:

  • What exactly do we mean when we say “BDSM”? How is it different than “kink”?
  • Categories of play
  • What does it mean to be “lifestyle” or “professional”? Similarities and differences
  • Culture and Community: who, where, what, when, why

BDSM 201: PSYCHOLOGY will retain the same description and content:

This course will provide a rich and in-depth discussion of various psychological concepts fundamental to BDSM which are often confusing and misunderstood. This will provide a rock-solid foundation for genuine understanding and improved play and for beginners and experienced players alike. Some concepts include:

  • Understanding the difference between BDSM and abuse
  • Dominant/Top & submissive/bottom: how they differ from one another and why they are commonly confused
  • What is fetishism and how does it affect me
  • “Topping from the bottom” is real but it has nothing to do with topping
  • Fantasy or Reality: why you need to know where you’re at

I will also add two courses to the series:

BDSM 301: UNDERSTANDING AND NEGOTIATING YOURSELF

You’ve got a solid understanding of the psychology, but how do you fit into it? In this course I will provide insight into figuring out your “Kink Personality” and how to effectively communicate that with whom you choose to play. Areas covered:

  • Figuring our your interests
  • Limits: The different types and how you can understand your own
  • Recognizing and developing your own playstyle
  • Negotiating your needs and desires into a scene

BDSM 401: SCENES

Now, you have all this information and you’re ready to play with someone, but you don’t know where to start! In this course I will help you get a better grasp on this process so you can feel confident going into — and coming out of — play. This includes:

  • What exactly is a “scene”?
  • Understanding how to conduct a scene that is right for you
  • Uh oh: How to recognize a problem and what to do about it
  • What is aftercare and why is it important

Unlike actual college, I will not make any of these a prerequisite for subsequent classes, however I do recommend taking the smaller numbered courses before the later ones because the content all ties in with each other and will be referenced throughout. Questions you may have on previous content may only be briefly addressed so as not to infringe on the current class.

For scheduling and to buy tickets, please visit my classes page.

N.B.: I will NOT be recording the classes. Instead, I will be repeating the series periodically.

Online Classes Rescheduled

Both of my classes have been rescheduled. This is due to low ticket sales.
I’m hoping that giving people more time and changing the time slightly might help.

New dates:

BDSM 101: FOUNDATIONS

Was: August 12th at 5pm EST

Now: August 26th at 4pm EST

HOW TO FIND THE DOMME OF YOUR DREAMS

Was: August 15th at 5pm EST

Now: August 29th at 4pm EST

You can still get a ticket through the “Buy Tickets” link on my classes page.

If in two weeks I still do not have sufficient sales then I will be postponing indefinitely. So, please, if you are interested in either of these classes, get your tickets now.

Wondering what my classes might be like? Here are some things people have said:

For more, please check my testimonials page.

Quarantine Update

I have been neglecting my blog and work in general. The truth is: I’m dealing with some depression and anxiety. This has primarily been brought on by our current situation and how it affects my ability to see my clients and meet my own needs, but also other issues which I won’t get into here.

I want to thank those who have booked online sessions, coaching, or pre-paid sessions during the quarantine. I sincerely appreciate it. Though I enjoy distance play with people, I don’t tend to devote a lot of time to developing that branch of my practice, so strongly do I prefer putting my hands on you and looking in your eyes. So, trying to adapt to these times in a way which feels authentic to who I am as a Domme (and while trying to manage this depression) hasn’t flowed as easily as I would like.

As anyone who has struggled with depression knows, your motivation can get completely pulled out from under you. Your mind says, “Do this. You WANT to do this.” But you just can’t make it happen. You feel what I can best describe as emotional paralysis. It’s a very odd and frustrating place to be. That’s what I have been coaching myself through. I feel a little light coming through the clouds, so hopefully you will see more coming from me soon.

In the meantime, I have begun allowing those who have seen me for in-person sessions within the last two years to book on a limited basis. Please see my previous blog post for more info.

Hope everyone is safe and well.

In-Person Session Update (Updated)

Update to In-Person Sessions During the Pandemic

I’ve decided that beginning Friday, May 22nd I will resume in-person sessions with select, existing clients. I am not booking with new clients at this time.

“Existing” means you’re vetted and have had an in-person session with me within the last two years.

“New” means you may or may not be vetted but have not yet had an in-person session with me. If this describes you, I ask you to wait until further notice.

Any existing client who wishes to schedule a session with me may email me with your preferred date, time, and session length, and must agree to a brief screening over the phone. If I determine that you may pose a risk I’m not comfortable taking, I will ask that we postpone scheduling until a later date.

I will not be taking a lot of sessions and will not be seeing any more than one person per day. I also will not be scheduling on consecutive days. This allows me adequate time to disinfect properly. I have always cleaned my dungeon and equipment to high standards, so I honestly don’t need to make a lot of adjustments there, but the space from my front door to the door of my dungeon will be stepped up.

I will be wearing a mask during the entirety of your visit and you must also agree to wear one as well. This is not only for the safety of me, you, and all my clients, but also our family, friends, and all those with whom we come into contact. Transmission rates without a mask are high. Since there are still infected people who are asymptomatic and passing it unknowingly, there is a good chance that eventually one person will come to me who is a carrier, and a good chance that I will get it and pass it to others (including a family member of mine who is high risk). Masks greatly reduce this chance.

There are some activities I will not be doing at this time:

  • oral play (anything that involves an exposed mouth)
  • spitting
  • consumption (including CEI)
  • vacbed
  • multiple parties

If you have any questions you may either ask them here, in comments, or email me privately.

Thank you and I look forward to seeing you soon!

Don’t forget: you can also schedule one-on-one chat or play over the phone, via text, or on cam. While it’s not an in-person session, it is 100% coronavirus risk free. 😉

[Updated to include more detail for those who are asking or wondering.]

April Opportunities

For the month of April I’m offering some options for time with me but with some reductions in tribute.

Pre-Pay an In-Person Session allows the full tribute for a future session to be paid up-front in exchange for a reduction. The longer the session, the larger the reduction. There is no limit to the amount of sessions you can pre-pay for.

There will be no expiration date on a pre-pay until our current social restrictions are lifted. Once they are, it is likely to be generous.

This offer is for vetted clients only. This means people I have already seen and are in good standing. It does not include new clients.

Payment must be sent via mail. Mailing details will be given upon request.

IM sessions can either be kinky or casual chat. This is for sessions during the month of April. Payment is electronic or via mail.

Coaching is not play. It is more like counseling. For more details about my areas of support, please see my coaching page. This is for sessions during the month of April. Payment is electronic or via mail.

Pro Dommes Business Consultations are for those who are existing or aspiring professional Dominants. The consult is done over the phone and is 1 hour in length. This is for consults during the month of April. Payment is sent electronically.

The rest of my protocol remains the same.

Temporary Changes to Booking In-Person Sessions

Effective today I’ve placed a temporary cessation on in-person sessions with NEW clients due to the uncertainty of the coronavirus pandemic.

This means if you have never sessioned with me before, you will not be able to book an in-person session at this time.

If you have sessioned with me, you will be asked additional screening questions and I will make the decision on a case-by-case basis.

These are risk-reduction measures.

I made this decision after very carefully considering how my choices may affect my family.

Of course, I’m still available for play and coaching over the phone, email, IM, and webcam.

Why I Broke Up With Er*s

A handful of people have asked why I don’t use or am no longer on Er*s. I realized I didn’t write anything about it in my blog. Because I think it’s worth talking about, and may be helpful for both other providers and our clients, I’ll share my experience and reasons here.

I actually haven’t been using their site for almost two years. The last time I had an active ad was May of 2018.

I started using Er*s probably a few months after I went pro at the beginning of 2015. In the three years I used them, they were terrific. Attractive interface, good ad builder, excellent customer service, and, I thought, reasonably priced. I also got quite a lot of traffic from them. And a decent amount of people who became clients.

Fast forward to March of 2018. Suddenly, I couldn’t get a payment to go through. Because I thought the problem might be the dollar amount, I reduced the charge to the lowest possible amount I could: a one-month, base ad renewal. It still wasn’t going through.

When I called them about it, there was a message that said they were no longer providing phone support and that we had to email. The sudden change was puzzling because they always provided phone support — very good phone support.

So, I emailed. I think it took them two months — you read that right — to respond. Someone calling himself “Esc0” replied to me. The problem, which had nothing to do with the dollar amount, was fixed and I was able to active my ad again. This was May of 2018.

When it came time to renew my ad, at the end of May, I wanted to pay for a few months of my base ad and the corresponding amount of time for premium placement. I once again had problems getting the payment to go through. I once again emailed. And, once again, I waited a ridiculous amount of time for a reply.

When I received that reply, it was from a different URL, “us- call . zen desk . com”, instead of the usual er*s . com. This was a flag for me because the footer of their emails always said, “Any correspondence regarding your account with Er*s will only be sent from an @er*s . com, @er*s-guide . com, @er*smail . eu, or @er*sads . com email address.” When I mentioned this to “Esc0”, I received a reply from “Julia” stating, “We have received your email in regards to the email service we use, and we thank you, for the attentive notice. We will be checking with Zen desk as we are not aware of such change.” This didn’t make sense to me because they should be able to see the domain in their own email exchanges and it would seem strange that they hadn’t noticed it. I added this to the Suspicious Behavior folder in my mind.

As I was trying to figure out what was going on, I considered that Er*s was working with the government. This seemed plausible because their North Carolina servers were raided in November 2017 (a quick web search will provide some articles) and, between the seizure of B*ckp*ge in April of 2018 and signing F O STA/S E STA into law just days later, I couldn’t imagine the government would just allow them to keep working without some catch. I wasn’t the only one who suspected this and read others share similar concerns. And despite this newsworthy event, I couldn’t find any additional information about what happened afterward other than Er*s assuring everyone they were now working out of the Netherlands and everything was fine.

Between my frustrations trying to get my ad back online, and my suspicions about what they were really up to, I asked them outright if they were the government or working with the government. While I got a reply about getting my payment to go through, my other question was ignored.

Finally, the payment went through for three months of services, but yet another hurdle surfaced. I received notification my ad could not go live until I completed two things: (1) I had to remove the watermarks from my photos and (2) I had to send them another copy of my ID and a verification photo (even though they already had done both).

I emailed and asked them for an explanation. I complained that removing our watermarks will turn Er*s into a great place for scammers to pick up easy material. I also questioned why I needed to verify myself *again* when my ID is still valid and I look the same.

When they replied they rescinded the watermark request, I assume because many providers pushed back. As far as the ID and verification photo, they said it “expired” and I had to send a new one. That was it. No reasoning, just that I had to do it.

At this point, I had a growing feeling that maybe the story they had told us about now being based in the Netherlands might not be as innocent and safe as they wanted us to believe.

I tried to find whatever I could about Er*s. Updates about the raid, other people’s experiences, other people’s hypotheses, whatever. I saw a lot of people complaining about ad renewal, lost money (some said they believed it was being outright stolen), and little to no response to inquiries. I saw more people speculating that they too believed they may be working with the government, and, I think, at least one “proof” claim from someone who I seem to remember said they had worked for or was otherwise was intimately familiar with the company.

In my next email, I told them I would prefer that my “verified” status be revoked rather than my send in another copy of my ID (they never acknowledged this, by the way) and I also asked if they could change the start date of the services I paid for, since during all this back and forth my ad was not online and some of the services I paid for had expired. They refused.

I also asked two more times if they were working with the government. No answer.

Between the now atrocious customer service, the constantly changing standards with ad copy and photos, the suspicion I had that they were either taken over by or helping the government, a lawsuit against the owners of the site with a possible plea bargain (can’t find the docket right now), and now they were telling me that despite no fault of my own, they weren’t going to give me the service I paid for and basically just pocket my money, I decided I was done with them. (I have since heard people saying that law enf0rcement may be using the site to create false profiles to lure men, do stings on workers, and that some people have had their bank accounts closed when transactions from the site have come through. So, add those to the “reasons” list.)

I have heard others say they also have stopped using their site. Clearly, many haven’t. There are still a lot of people who are putting up with them and taking the risk.

I encourage fellow providers to consider other options. There are other advertising venues. There is also a lot to be said for investing in areas where you have more power: your own site and your content. (Now, I get most of my clients from people finding me through web searches.) But if you do feel you must use to them get clients, please be very careful. I would hate to see truly innocent people get hurt if our suspicions are true and someone comes figuratively (or literally) knocking on your door.

Locked out of Twitter

Just a heads up that Twitter has locked me out of my account.

This is the email I received from them:

That’s right: I said that I believed that someone who was making misogynistic comments was really a guy and *I* was the one considered engaging in”hateful conduct” by their TOS staff.

If calling someone a man is hateful, then they must have a low opinion of men. LOL!

Anyway, they obviously didn’t look or didn’t care that this person, and other people in the thread, were making a bunch of misogynistic comments.

Of course I contacted them to appeal their decision. Here’s what I got back:

The person reviewing my appeal was likely a man who sided with “kbloz”.

This is really no surprise. People who are on the receiving end of harassment and discrimination — individual or institutional — are always the ones who are ultimately punished for speaking out about it.

Now, Twitter wants me to log on and delete the tweet or something. But I can’t log on without giving them my cell phone number.

So, now I have to figure out how one does this without using a cell phone.

Until that happens, I’m in Twitter jail.

I’ll be posting here instead.

(In case anyone who follows me on Twitter wonders why I post links to my blog instead of uploading the content to their platform, this is one reason why. If I’m ever suspended because some breauflake doesn’t like my comment, all my work will be lost. At least if it’s in my blog, I still have it.)

UPDATE (3/5/20 7:50pm): I have been told the subsequent tweet I made to this troll is another violation!

Make sure you never say that you believe someone is a man posing as a woman in an attempt to justify and normalize their misogyny. This is hateful conduct. Much worse than the misogyny itself.

UPDATE 2 (3/5/20 10pm): Their support staff was VERY quick to tell me that they denied my appeal, but still hasn’t answered my request from hours ago asking for help with logging in without having the ability to receive an SMS in that process. Anyone want to estimate how long it will take? My guess: never.

UPDATE 3 (3/6/20 1pm): I have been released from jail.

New to Temenos: Straitjacket

Trying to run a professional dungeon and respect my “Consensual Cruelty” ethic can be challenging. It’s difficult to get high-quality gear that is not made of cow skin — but not impossible. (They’re making impressive advances in faux leather. Some feels like the real thing.)

I saw this straitjacket and decided to give it a try:

(this is the back of the jacket)

It has a nice weight. Not as heavy as leather, but satisfying. The leatherette is the soft, supple, buttery kind, so it feels very nice. And it’s lined, so that’s a plus.

It seems to be able to accommodate a 42″ chest/36″ waist/~20″ biceps and still close it. The straps allow to expand out beyond that, so I can probably fit someone larger.

Looking forward to trying this out with some of you…