The Judgmental BDSM Professional

Have you ever had someone shame you about your identity or sexuality?

Feels horrible, doesn’t it?

Have you ever had a Domme or Mistress do it?

If you’re a genuinely submissive person, it can be especially damaging — possibly pushing you out of the BDSM community altogether.

I have seen Dominants, Mistresses, and Masters judge others because of their identity and sexuality — including their kinks. When I see this, I find it enraging — especially when that person is a professional.

When one makes eroticism their livelihood, one would think that person has achieved a certain level of security and maturity in that area. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Some people’s insecurities very clearly bleed into their work.

I have seen some BDSM professionals mock, ridicule, and shame people because of the (consensual) things they enjoy. I have come across attitudes and remarks which are homophobic, transphobic, fatphobic, ageist, ableist, and more. I have seen professionals make remarks about not doing “gay stuff” or not liking “trannies” (this is different than saying you don’t offer forced bi or feminization). I read a group of Mistresses (some, at least, who were or had been professional) mock a submissive’s desire to call his anatomy a “clitty”, calling it “ridiculous” and “infantile” and his being hurt by this as being “too sensitive” (a tactic used by abusive people). I have seen a few Pro Dommes call sexually liberated women “sluts” (and not in the good way).

Would you want to have a scene with a person like this?

If you’ve ever been shamed about your identity or sexuality by a Dominant — or anyone, for that matter — you do not have to accept it. You can speak up. Contrary to what some believe, dominating someone does not mean you are (nonconsensually) cruel. In fact, that’s a red flag.

And if that person is a professional? They should be held to an even higher standard. One should exemplify security and acceptance in this area. If one can’t respect the identity and sexuality of others — even if they themselves don’t understand or practice them — then how exactly do they expect people to trust them and feel understood and safe?

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